What age is too young if any?

[itwillbeokay]

Hello,

I know ages are blocked out to protect privacy but are people able to give their opinions on what age is too young or okay for children to stay overnight with their father, who has been horrible to the mother but always okay to the children? I’m being pushed for overnight stays and I don’t want to be unreasonable but feel nervous as I’ve always cared for them and I left a few months ago and they live with me.

He acknowledges he does not have the required facilities (yet, he says, but working on it) for the baby and that the baby is too little right now to be away from me but wants our older child next week overnight. I want to avoid court and court orders if I can (probably unlikely as he is pretty unreasonable but says it’s me) so I’m trying to be fair and reasonable.

What’s your opinions please?

xx

[freedomtochoose]

I can say nothing other than ‘don’t do it hon’. I hear you when you say you don’t want to be unreasonable, but in my opinion you are not being unreasonable in wanting to keep your children close to you. The mother child bond is so important and you can build on that, but only if you protect this special bond.

Yes, although you would wish to, don’t think you will be able to avoid court in this situation. You ar esaying that he does not have the required facilities also. You are already being fair.
all best
ftc
x

[itwillbeokay]

But he is their Dad, how can I simply refuse when he’s done nothing to them, what harm would it do? Isn’t it what’s best for the children? Our older child is constantly asking to see Daddy at the moment and I’m pretty sure he would enjoy it, it would be me that suffers but am I not meant to be thinking what’s right for the children?

I’m so confused by it all. Probably because he’s on his minimising strategy again but still, I do want our children to see him…..

Xx

[freedomtochoose]

It’s about, to my mind putting your needs first. I can’t answer your questions but only reflect back on what you are saying. If he were a reasonable person, there would be no need for him to ‘push’ for anything. Yes, you want your children to see him. Yes this is the responsible thing to do, but without the protection of court he will constantly be manipulating. I’m sorry to be so plain speaking, but this is my view. Others may think differently.
all best
ftc
x

[wheredoibegin]

Hi, obviously we dont know your exact situation but I would agree that it probably best not to do overnights right now. It really would probably be safer for all of you to have a formal agreement in place as without it there is nothing stopping him from saying he isn’t going to return your child. Even though he might not of abused them, damage can still be done by them hearing arguments etc. At the end of day its great how reasonable your being but maybe a contact agreement could help put your mind at ease. Xx

[freedomtochoose]

itwillbeokay
forgot to say how well you are doing for even posting here.
Keep posting.
MY words kind of belie my journey, which can’t really be conveyed as the terror I went through around this I’m not sure I will ever recover from.
However, I’m here, me and child are way more than fine.
Court I survived it is several years ago now.
Not the education I would have wished for but it was a healing moment in court as they basically told my ex to sit down and shut the fxxck up. what a moment…
ftc
x

[KIP.]

When they abuse us they abuse their children. They leave us shells and emotional wrecks. How can we be good mothers when our mental health is so badly affected. I would also say not to start with overnights for some time. Not until he is settled and has a secure place and room for his child. At least when they’re with you and have a bedtime routine then you’re in control. Weekend access during the day sounds reasonable to begin with and to get into a routine. You can always add days but it’s hard to back track. It wasn’t so long ago he was abusing you. Agreed contact order is a good idea to stop him using the children or keeping them.

[itwillbeokay]

Truth is I’m scared to say no to him about this request for an overnight stay next Saturday because he’s belittling my concerns saying how ridiculous I’m being and that they’re our children not mine and all he wants to do is spend time with his son. I’ve booked an appointment with a solicitor but it’s not till next Wednesday. In the meantime he’s messaging me to arrange this overnight stay and I kind of agreed in principle to next Saturday “in some way shape or other” because I’m intimidated by him. I don’t see why it has to be overnight when he never even put them to bed or got up with them! I don’t know what to do really.

xx

[itwillbeokay]

I’m kind of nervous that if I now don’t agree to the overnight bit and do what he wants to do he’ll be mad and be stupid about it like not bring him home or something. He says he’s got no intention of doing anything like that but I feel like he’s decided he wants him overnight and anything less is me not doing what he says?!

x

[freedomtochoose]

Don’t send your kids. Don’t send your kids to him. You are right in your intuititon. This is no vague fear. without a court order in place they may not come back. I am not joking. This is the truth.
Please face it.
Don’t send them.
all best
ftcx

[KIP.]

Please don’t send them. Youre scared for a reason. Listen to your gut. Standing up to him in the past has brought his wrath and that’s what you’re remembering but you’re not with him anymore. You have a right to make your own decisions without fear of retribution. No matter what you decide he will always change the goal posts. It will never be right because that’s the way he wants it. He wants to be in a position to change the goal posts and abuse you over it. Put him off visitation until you have a legal agreement. Once that’s in place he cannot use visitation for control and further abuse. Your kids sound very young and you have their very best interests at heart. He doesn’t. Remember it’s all about control with abusers and only about their selfish interests.

[KIP.]

You’ve obviously discussed your concerns about not bringing the kids back with him. That’s a genuine fear he knows you have now and he will retain this and use it against you in his future behaviour. Subtle hints etc. That’s why zero contact is so important. Get a contact agreement in place and if he’s not happy then it’s upto him to seek legal advice. Mine was full of absolute hot air. Had me panicking at every hint or threat. My women’s aid worker gave me good advice. Ignore everything until something actually happens and then you deal with it. Empty threats kept me traumatised for far too long. Take back that control.

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