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Hi I’m new to this forum and really need to talk to someone. I’m so confused as to what I’m dealing with I don’t know if I am coming or going. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) We have 2 children together, we also have full custody of 2 of his children from a previous relationship which makes it all more confusing. Basically with that it’s me who looks after all the children, 3 of them are 2 and under.
I also do everything in the house, clean, cook, washing etc with no help It’s very very hard.
Anyway a few weeks ago I had to ring the police to get him out my house. He wouldn’t leave and was provoking me by shouting down to me, swearing, threatening me and threats of violence to me family, such as if you leave I’ll kidnap your dad or if you take my kids away I’ll Roaul moat you. He had pushed me hard and that’s the first time he has laid a hand on me. It’s always just been emotional or mentally abusing me.
When I rang the police they came within minutes. He actually drove off in my car before they arrived. He’s not legal to drive.
I gave a statement etc and as you can imagine I was very very upset as my children were present too.
A lot has happened since that episode. He was arrested but then I dropped the case. The police put me down as medium risk DV and put me through to a vulnerability unit.
He’s back at the house, and at first he couldn’t be more sorry. Helped me out so much etc….. but now I think 2 weeks on it’s just as bad.
Also may I add that a few days after he came back he gambled the money I had saved for xmas presents. (detail removed by moderator) it might not sound a lot but it was to me as I don’t work. And again he wormed is way back into my head. Begging for forgiveness and help and that he will sort it. And he thinking about killing himself if I leave him. But I’ve lost count on how many times he’s gambled money. Normally he gambled my rent money. Even typing this I feel like an idiot. But he has a way of getting into my head. He’s persistent.Now I wrote down what has happened from Friday. I know it’s a long post but please could you tell me am I dealing with DA here. I don’t have no feelings towards him anymore I kind of feel like I’m stuck in a situation I can’t get out of….
(detail removed by moderator) I had. £3** in bank for xmas presents. I went to my friends house who I have not seen in 2 years for a drink. (detail removed by moderator) he rang me saying he had gambled all the money in my bank. I was devastated. He was crying saying he was sorry and that he would sort it out and get the money bk for me. I’ve lost count of how many times he had done this. He had even had his mum transfer £2** into my bank and he gambled that too. So he lost (detail removed by moderator)
Again he twists and worms his way back into me feeling sorry for him. How???
He was saying that he was going to kill himself etc….(detail removed by moderator)
Fri night we had planned to go to the fair with all the family.
Again (detail removed by moderator) was leaving me to sort all the kids whilst he stood smoking cannabis.
We went to the fair he kept ignoring me when I spoke to him. Then because it was cold I asked my dad if he would take the little ones back as we wouldn’t be far behind. (detail removed by moderator) said you stay I’ll go back with kids.
So I did. I stayed with his (detail removed by moderator) son and his friend. We were probably 25 minutes more on the fair.
When we got bk kids were in bed and he had started making dinner, this is a first in a million years he has done this. I. Was with my sis and bro in law but I could see he was p****d off. After dinner he went and played on Xbox left the mess for me to clear up. He went to play Xbox with the kids. Until late. I went to bed.Sat
He was going to watch his son play football his sons friend had stayed the night. So I was left with the 3 baby’s again. Who screamed cuz they wanted to go with there daddy. When they came bk from football another child was with them. So now I have 6 children to look after whilst he’s in and out smoking.
Then I heard the kids talking about them going to the fair again. We have no money. I had to borrow £10 off my dad on the fair and £10 off my sis for electric.
(detail removed by moderator) said his auntie was giving him £1**. So he wanted to use that on the fair with the 3 older kids. Even though we have a phone bill to pay. Need more gas etc. He wants to take 3 kids 2 are not mine to the fair. He started telling me I was a b***h cuz the kids want to go. I was so angry. I told him to do what he wanted. So he did.
He took them to the fair and to (detail removed by moderator)
Whilst he was out he texted me saying I love u please cheer up.
Ohhh and his auntie didn’t give him £1** he used the last bit of money in the bank we had.
He then played Xbox with his son and his friend
I asked him if he would do night feeds As I am exhausted.
He said yes
I went to bed. He came to bed later and wanted sex.
Pressing himself on me & rubbing my leg. I said no.
He sulked and turned over.(detail removed by moderator)
Baby woke at 2 he didn’t get up, he was awake and heard her but just refused to move.
I sorted baby
4am baby woke again, I nudged and said (detail removed by moderator) the baby. He ignored me.
So I got up I moaned and said it’s alright for me to have no sleep but not anybody else.
When I got back in bed I said nobody better talk to me tomorrow.
He then answered what the f**k are u starting for.
I said ohh I thought you were asleep?
That’s when the argument started.
He started saying I was ‘boring’ ‘c**p in bed’’he doesn’t know why he’s with me because I can’t take his c**k’ ‘there’s loads a girls out there that want him’ and that I will never have his pipe again
I told him he was abusive and no wonder I didn’t want sex with him.
Then he pressed against my ear and said why you with me me then duhhhhh
He carried on and in I just ignored him. He was telling me I’m pathetic all I do is sit or lay on my fat arse, I’ve got no mates, I’m controlling, I’m a controls freak
Then he started telling me that he’s single now and I’m to get the f**k out the house cuz he isn’t going anywhere and there’s f**k all I can do about it. That he’s staying there with the kids and I can f**k off.
He also was telling me I’m jealous of his (detail removed by moderator) old son. That I always start when he’s home. Because I’m jealous of the time he spends with him. Apparently.
I just didn’t say a word back.
In my mind I’m believing all he tells me. He’s messed my head up so much.
So because I didn’t have sex with him he refused to tend to the baby. That’s how it now looks to me.(detail removed by moderator)
I was dreading getting up knowing he was going to start again with me. The kids all got in our bed and the first thing he said to me was ‘don’t f****n look at me, I can’t stand you’
I replied I wasn’t looking at him I was looking at my son, who is poorly.
Then he told me to sort my s**t and get out the house.
I went downstairs with the kids, gave them breakfast etc. He came down still mumbling things to me about me being pathetic or a waste of his time. I never replied.
He was going to football so I knew he would be gone soon.
Then his friend came round and that’s when his nice guy routine comes in. ‘Have u met whatever his name was before babe’
No I reply
I was just concerned about my son who was poorly and struggling to breath. I said to him look at ace do you think he needs to go to hospital?
No babe he’s fine
He then went into the back garden to smoke a spliff with his mate.
He left and said bye babe not be long see you later yea?
I replied yea
When he left I rang 111 cuz I wanted to get my son checked. They sent paramedic, they took us to hospital. (detail removed by moderator) Was sent home.
He came back from football, and his usual Sunday afternoon started.
Which is he doesn’t do anything but nap and smoke cannabis over at his mates house.
Sunday about 7pm he started crying to me saying when are u leaving me then?
I said are you for real you been telling me to get out the house,
He said you know I love you more than anything
I said you said some horrible things again last night. He said yea you know what I’m like when I wake up. I said no you were very personal. Then he pretended he couldn’t remember what he said
So i told him. He laughed said no I didn’t shut up. And kept hugging me. I said no get off me.
He then kept trying to kiss me and hug me I kept pushing him away , he thought he was being playful but I didn’t want him near me. I kept it civil and watched tv. Whilst my mind has been doing overtime about how I’m going to get out without being left with nothing.
I told him that I was putting our son in bed with us as I was still worried about his breathing. He said he would sleep in his sons bed with our daughter. All agreed I went to bed he carried on watching tv. I could smell cannabis so I knew he had just lit up a spliff.(detail removed by moderator)
I heard him get up with baby it was 815 my son was watching YouTube on my phone. We got out of bed at 9 ish. He was laying on sofa. He spoke a few words to say daughter had kept him up all night. Then he disappeared upstairs. He had gone to bed.
When he came down at 1130 he started shouting at me, because his friend had left a tv and it was heavy so I didn’t move it. I asked why he was shouting he said he wasn’t shouting he was being passionate, and he started saying all the things he had said the other night. Again I’m a control freak, I’m jealous of his son, I’m pathetic the usual stuff and telling me to shut my f****n mouth whilst he’s speaking.
I asked him to stop shouting at me in front of kids. He said he wasn’t shouting but if I wanted him too he would.
So I just decided to not even reply to him whilst he carried on with his abuse.
After a while it went quiet he was now sat on his phone watching videos. Completely ignoring the kids if they wanted something. This is why I worry about just walking away because I’d want to take my 2 kids but if I have no roof over my head I can’t. And I don’t want to leave them with him as he doesn’t watch them all the time.
I had asked him since Thursday if he could sort out his clothes upstairs. He’s got them all in bags as technically he’s homeless but he’s found out his name is on the tenancy agreement and he won’t leave now. But the bags of clothes are all over the floor as he just rummages through the bags and leaves clothes all over the floor. He said he would but still hasn’t.
At 1.45 I told him I was going out to get nappy and some fresh air. I wanted to talk to the vulnerability unit to see what help or support they can give me to get me and the children out.
Within minutes of me getting up and getting ready to come out he had gone upstairs and started sorting his clothes. I asked for my bank card. He said why where u going? I said I just told u.
He said no u didn’t. Then said we’ll take the kids. I said no they poorly it’s cold. So he followed me downstairs to tell me if I walked out the door I’m not getting back in. I said why can’t I go out? He just repeated himself. So I said I’m not allowed out then? He said yea but then u can’t come bk in. He then started saying about the police helping me because I’ve told them b******t about him, that he would Roaul most me. I said but you have threaten me and my family saying you will kidnap my dad if I leave etc….. he said well yea if anybody takes my kids away I will so stuff like that. I said exactly you keep threatening me.
I asked again can I go out. He said do what you f****n want.
I left.
I’ve rang 101 and left a text for (detail removed by moderator). No reply yet. And I can’t stay out long.He’s rang and texted me asking where am I and how long am I going to be. I asked why and he started swearing at me. Then hung up. See this is where I start panicking and I start to rush back. Then he texts saying we need to talk. I rang told him I don’t want to argue. When I got home he started being nice saying he doesn’t want to argue and that he loves me.
He’s turned into the nice guy again saying when he gets paid we will xmas shop
He has already gambled my xmas shopping money.
He’s gone to his friends to smoke again. So who knows what mood he will return in.The nice guy routine is back. He’s now guilt tripping me. Asking if I’m planning to leave him. If so why. Then he crys. Told him I’ve had enough and things will never change.
He kept getting his willy out and dancing round. Asking if I wanted it. I kept saying no and ignored him. He went in the shower. He then tried kissing me again I pushed him away.He’s told me he doesn’t want me to leave he loves me so much. I start feeling guilty. I’m so confused right now
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So familiar. I remember it clearly. The exhaustion from tending to everything and him not helping out, maybe doing a few bits as a show but leaving the hard grind to me and not even willing to lift a finger to help with babies when I was exhausted and so, so tired. I really feel for you. I have been in that place where you are now and its unsustainable. And my abuser (ex-husband) was the same, I’d get the putdowns, the criticism, shouting and threatening me in front of the children. And yet I was the one keeping the show on the road like you.
Just imagine for a second..your life without him in it. You’d have the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the child-care for your 2 children but there would be peace in the house. Just your voice and your little ones voices. You could budget your small amount of money and keep it for the Christmas presents, the bills, the food etc. With him out of your lives, the money that would go on him and his habits could be spent on the bills, food, clothes, activities and presents.
He has shown he is useless when one of the children are very ill. You had the support of the medical services instead. In fact he is a hindrance rather than a help.
You could live your day tending to your children and responsibilities without his threats of how he’s going to harm you/your family. You could spend your days without incessant demands for sex and you wouldn’t have to watch him dancing around with his bits on show. Let him dance around and pester someone else.
My barrister said about my ex that he was a complete waste of space. I think she hit the nail on the head in relation to abusers.
Don’t be confused. The pattern is nasty, nice, nasty, nice. The ‘nice’ is to confuse us, and keep us from leaving. Abusers needs our services so they’ll throw us a few crumbs of niceness to keep us serving them.
Its good you want out. Now gather as many supports around you as you can. Ring Womens Aid. Keep posting here. You will get to live a life free from abuse and mayhem.
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Hi there,
Your partner sounds very abusive, it sounds like a nightmare situation having to deal with his behaviour and like Lover of no contact said above, he is actually a hindrance rather than a help in every single way.
Definitely give the helpline a call and your local service. Life can be so much better than this, you deserve to live abuse free and without someone gambling away all your money. He sounds incredibly mean, antagonistic, lazy and cruel and is even hindering you getting proper medical care for your child. He is using the classic abuser tactics to keep you feeling trapped such as guilt tripping, threats etc. Look up the Power and Control Wheel in google and Cycle of Abuse which will explain it further, abusers are very clever using a ‘mean-sweet’ cycle but don’t believe a word of it, it is all manipulation to get him what he wants while you suffer daily.
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Thankyou for reading my post. I know it was long. But this is just a snippet of what I deal with. This has been getting worse for the last year. My family, friends and neighbors notice that it’s always me with the kids. Me that always looks absolutely shattered whilst he pleases himself. He has completely messed my head up. He gets into my head. I really don’t know if I am coming or going.
I was going to try and leave after xmas because I really want the kids to have a nice xmas. But I know he’s going to make things really difficult. I don’t know what options I have on getting help with housing. When I do go I will be just taking my 2 kids and our clothes. Which leaves me again in an impossible situation because I have a dog. And he can be really nasty to him. If I leave I’m scared he will take it out on the dog. Not by physically hurting him, I hope. But by just neglecting him. I’ve had him (detail removed by moderator) and he really is like my baby.I really do feel like I’m flogging a dead horse.
And I will be sad to leave the house I had made a home. He hasn’t done anything I have. But I really can’t keep living this way. I’m a mess in every way. Mentally I’m struggling. Daily. I’m back to see my go on Friday
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Hi UaR,
There’s only one name for what you’re dealing with – abuse. It is very hard to accept this truth when the abuser is so confusing by being nice, saying that they love you, that it was all down to a bad mood etc.
My ex partner would also verbally abuse me in the evenings/mornings saying that it was just because he was after waking up. I also know what it’s like when money and things are disappearing in the house, because he was a gambler too. We had nastiest fights literally over £5 – he would get berserk if I refused to give him money.
I agree with all said above – think about life with no fear and worry, in a house, where you, your children and your belongings are safe. Reach out for help. Your and your kids’ future is worth it! Children should not watch the abuse. Think what sort of example your partner is giving them : swearing, smoking weed etc.
Wishing you all the best xx
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Hi there,
There may be a way for you to escape with your dog too, don’t give up. I have a wonderful cat and I can’t imagine life without her, she helps me get through each day.
Write down all of your ideas for where to live and a possible escape plan and ring the helpline and CAB who can help you with it. Also give Shelter a ring. You could get a council house that allows pets or a private rental supported by housing benefits that allows pets, they are out there as I found one. It took some searching but it’s worth it to get what you need.
Keep going and don’t give up and we will support you here on the forum.
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I am keeping this a secret from him. Because when it happens I need to do it when he’s not here. As I know he will make it hard. And it will either be violent or he will be using the crying and begging me not to go. And I just can’t deal with either.
I get the abuse a lot of the times in the mornings if he wants a lie in and he shouts at me because he can hear the kids!
Today he helped me clean well he mopped the floor which is a big thing for him. Then he went on the Xbox smoking cannabis . After an hour or so I went upstairs and he was asleep. So again it must have been hard work all that mopping one room.
When he woke he started being nice and said let’s put the xmas tree up for the kids. So Once they were in bed I started doing the tree, he sat made a spliff then disappeared. After 2 hours it was finished. He had been on the Xbox and said ohh is it done. Yes I replied. This is the 2nd year I’ve put the tree up. He just constantly uses me as a slave. He knew i was annoyed as I’m absolutely shattered and wanted a bath etc. So he started asking for a hug and kiss and pulling me towards him. I just walked away and come to bed. My step daughter is in my bed so I’ve told him to get in with his son.
I really don’t want him around me.
How will I get help? Should I speak with my GP? She knows a lot of how I’ve felt but I’ve never admitted that it’s domestic abuse I’m dealing with. Should I tell her about the police being called etc? Can my GP help in anyway?
Or what about this vulnerability unit can they help me. Does anybody have info on what they do?? -
Hi, this is no kind of life for you or the children and he’s playing constant mind games with you. If it’s gone in this long, over and over, it’s never going to change. He’s only doing the odd nice thing when he wants his own way and he’s treating you so badly. The younger children are young enough not to remember this but if you keep leaving it, they’ll get older and the memories will stay.
It’ll be hard but getting away is the best thing for you all. You can’t be a doormat all your lift, you deserve more. It sounds like you’re always trying to do the best for the children.
I hope you can get the right help and advice soon, to enable you to get out. You really need to, for your safety and the children’s. I wish you luck with it all x -
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Hello lovely.. your post reminds me so much of my ex.. the situation where you got up with the children despite him saying he would… but then he was angry at you for being upset and tired. If i behaved that way, my ex would tell me i had problems comunicating.. that i shouldve simpmy woken him and asked for help. But then so then id wonder if it was my fault..
I know its absolutely non of my business but it always rings alarm bells for me hearing that men have full custody of their children.. especially of he is being abusive towards you. Have you spoken to the police about claires law.. to see if hes been reported for similar dv incidents with others -
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