What am I doing!

[Farawayplanet]

I have been keeping a notebook full of ‘incidents’ that have happened since (detail removed by moderator) when I had my ‘lightbulb’ moment. I keep this notebook updated almost on a weekly basis but due to the death of a close family member recently, this has lasps while I grieve. However, today I decided to update it while I am quiet in work, I started to read from the beginning – wow, I put up with alot that I did not realise. If someone came to me with the same diary asking advice I would advise them to leave straight away. Why can I not take my own advice? I know it will be so hard to leave, he thinks we are in the perfect relationship and doesn’t see anything wrong so it will be very difficult, I think I am just making excuses but I really need to leave. I wish it was simple. I work from home and it is not the kind of job that has a laptop, I have a station unit and it is all connected. If I leave the family home, I leave my job/take unpaid leave until I am up and running in a new place. I can not afford to do this.

I have leave coming up in the next month. I am thinking of leaving then. Tell him I no longer want to be in a relationship with him and that I am going away for a few days. I should be going on holiday but he cancelled the flight tickets. Before I tell him I will make sure our child is elsewhere as I know it will not be a pretty conversation.

It is so so hard. Just now, both husband and child have just come into my office and we have just had 10 minutes of laughter that is making me think how much I would miss this time but on the other hand, I can not live with the abuse any longer.

[fizzylem]

I did this too F, it shows us so clearly what we have tolerated doesnt it and how wrong it is to continue to put up with it. It shows us that we can expect more of the same. I found that we go from one problem to the next and the next, are living in the chaos he creates constantly, so it’s easy to forget just how many incidents have occured because you are already in the midst of the next one.

If it was all bad then you’d leave; they have to create some good times as this is what keeps us from leaving and leads us to self doubt and going round in circles.

A caring, loving partner is consistant in their care, we know where we stand, are respectful of one another – is not unpredictable, does not fly off in a rage for riddiculous things x

[Kitkat44]

It’s so hard, my boys are see are giggling away with their dad right now but earlier today one son had a massive row with him and called him a child abuser! How does it change so quickly between?
I don’t think he does it on purpose he just flicks into a rage. Right now he’s ok xx

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