What am I feeling?

[Firsttimedivorcee]

I wrote a thread about my partner taking the kids away. When I asked if they were going to visit family, he didn’t say anything other than what’s it got to do with you? I found out by seeing them leave on the doorbell. I didn’t mind that he was taking them, I just thought it wasn’t courteous of him to just not tell me. The next (number removed by Moderator) days have been horrible for me. Whilst I want kids to have fun, they’re a considerable distance from me.

today, the eldest said she was having a lot of fun and doesn’t want to come back home. I know why, I’m the boring parent who takes her to school and swimming and xyz. He is the exciting one, taking her on trips because they have one (visit frequency removed by Moderator) together. I asked when they were returning so I can collect them and he was very amicable. He said they missed me and didn’t know what she was saying. I just replied to say I wasn’t upset.

I feel enraged by his message. He has always been the fun parent for the all but 5 mins he sees them in a day when we were together. He didn’t do any of the responsibilities, appts etc. so why he felt the need to reassure me was annoying.

I have planned for a nice big feast for the kids return with my family. I started to feel guilt. Whilst they were coming home to laughter and love, he was coming home to a cold and quiet house. Why do I feel this guilt? He never felt guilt towards me. Even until the end, his stance was ‘I haven’t done anything wrong but I’ll take the blame if it means we move on’. I feel like I anticipate his next move to want to ‘talk’. Which is where he’ll cry and tell me he wants me home. In the past I’ve told him to stop the tears and funnily enough, they immediately stop. Old me would run to him and hold him tight but now I just think, you made me cry so much. You made me feel hollow and lifeless and wanting to end it all. And for what. I gave you the world. I gave you money (I was more stable than him), I supported you through a family members death, I held your hand at your lowest points and I loved you so so much. And when it was time to hurt me, it was a ‘joke’. Or when you asked me if I was having an affair, it was a mindless comment, but then you spied on me constantly.

why did he do this to me? Why was I not enough? Why do I feel bad when he never did. And even now, when he can be with the kids 50% he chooses the option to not. Meaning he doesn’t actually care. What am I feeling?!

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