19th December 2018 at 9:53 pm #68923
I felt like I am so ‘conditioned’ to abusive men having contact with, and harming, their children, that I continually argue myself down when I something happens to cause harm.
I was so glad to see the campaign for children being talked about here, I am sick to death of women warning about abusers and being ignored, children giving out obvious warnings and being ignored.
Court forcing dangerous and lifelong damaging contact solicitors and other professionals sharing confidential (risk increasing) information, professionals and people not understanding.
Others knowing better than those experiencing and ss using their powers to remove children instead of the perp.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
19th December 2018 at 10:13 pm #68927
I know the cycle of abuse needs to be broken. We need to know and believe it will happen eventually. There’s lots of campaigning going on right now. Practice direction 12j is an amazing document from the ministry of justice. It’s looking at going in deeper into family situations in DV and putting protective measures in place giving the courts a toolkit and welfare checklist. I think as in medicine one person cannot make these decisions. It needs to be a mutidisiplinary approach a bit like diagnosing a cancer all agencies putting their specialist heads together and coming up with a safe and water tight response xx 💕 DIY ✌
19th December 2018 at 11:06 pm #68933
I so wish when ss were initially involved with my son, that they saw more than me and him talking around the table. I didn’t realise we were in an abusive situation. We had one meeting, were asked questions, answered them and that was it, put to bed. They said my daughter was a disgruntled teenager trying to get her mum and dad back together, her mum and step dad to split up. They never saw me being abused, they asked my son questions and took what he said as acceptable. I think now, he was so scared of my oh, as he’d threatened to hurt me possibly or our pets or something, that he said what he thought they wanted them to hear. Obe keyring and that was iut. His dad let it lie at that. Over the years before my son went to live with him, he knew stuff wasnt right yet didn’t try anything ever again. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for not realising he as well as myself were being so badly abused by the man who I thought loved me. He has moulded my child into the young man he is now. The young man who has no self esteem, makes terrible life decisions, cos he’ll never amount to anything so who cares what he does, who really needs someone to talk to, to guide him, to teach him. I worry about him constantly, he’s tried suicide numerous times, and we know how high the statistics are fir male suicides, his father and sister have now washed their hands of him because of his attitude. So really my oh, who told him he was useless, a waster, now his own blood think this because he’s behaved as such. What chance has he got.
So YES, the powers that be have to listen to us, have to listen to the children because this cycle of abuse has to end.
19th December 2018 at 11:52 pm #68937
Hi IWMB 💕 the thing is they say if your told something over and over again it seeps in and thats who we become. I was told constantly that I was ugly then he told my daughter to say it to me for him! Who does that? If I ever get a compliment in my head and heart i dont believe it for a second. It changes you, I’m not sure if that’s reversible? I hope so. The guilt and responsibility lies with them not us. We did our best in the hardest and cruelset of situations, we found ourselves and our families to be in these circumstances not through choice.
There definitely needs to be more intense support out there to help women to get out of the trap they find themselves in. Womens aid are amazing but more understanding is needed from everyone really. It amazes me that us women are still fighting to be equal to men in this day and age xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌
20th December 2018 at 12:30 am #68940
There is nothing to forgive yourself for. You never asked for this. It is he who needs to be forgiveness.
Please don’t spend any more of your life taking any responsibility for his abuse.
It is a truly vile situation and not of your making. You and your son were both suffering it.
Everything becomes terrifying. People talking g to you like ss becomes scarey,because when they find out they don’t protect you at all they expect you to magically transform into a controller of you partner and kick him into touch wilst dangling threats of loss of your child over your head. Meantime,ummm, yeah, what is the abuser suffering???? Nothing.
They come after the women,and they wonder why women are scared. Why is it all our Responsibility… It’s just not!
Yes, how far we have come heh DIYmum? Hmm..not!
We all dreamed as teens of equality in work, and a better equal life, and then the shock hits as you realise it didn’t happen. Women are still 70% of those in poverty. Men still hold the top jobs. It’s very hard to avoid them even when you are receiving intimate medical treatments.
So sad how it all turned out. Keep fighting.
20th December 2018 at 12:35 am #68941
What should they ask would you say now IWMB, that would have given realisation for you, or at least flagged things up for them?
These are the people who are supposed to know it kl and come in as experts with power to make change, what should they ask to get the information?
If you cóld go back what would you say differently do you think?
You are not alone in not knowing, not realising how awful it was, its like some sick delusonal trick
20th December 2018 at 10:23 am #68956
Hi TS, good to see you back on here, I’ve missed your wise input.
It’s not so much what they should have asked, I think it’s more they should have had more meetings. A one off in your own home, isn’t enough time, enough time to build up any sort of trust between you and that person, fir you to be able to answer questions or ask them if his behaviour is appropriate. I was brought up and he constantly reiterated, that once social work get involved that’s it, they’re on your back all the time. But surely if they’re looking out fir your child that’s a good thing, surely as outsiders they’d see what’s going on because as we all know, living with an abuser many of us don’t realise it’s abuse, we are just under the impression that he’s strict, a disciplinarian, old school. I think, we didn’t fit the stereotype. Clean, tidy home, well spoken. If I’d been a nervous wreck, even though my son was a quiet wee mouse,but he was always like that, I never noticed him becoming more withdrawn, not until he went to secondary, then he changed again, to being suspended, getting into all sorts, yet at home he was so well behaved. I’d felt an allegation had been made against my oh/us, ss came out, asked the questions, ticked the boxes and that was their job done, case closed. So looking back I don’t think they really knew how to deal with this allegation correctly, but now….
Now, I agree with @DIY, there has to be more of an umbrella organisation. All key workers have to be involved. Anywhere abuse is accused, someone from WA accompanies SS, they get to read doctors reports, health visitors, schools,police. Everyone needs to be on the same page. They are there to help us when we can’t help ourselves, maybe even knowing early on that if any information is proven true, that your child could be removed for their own safety, they could say that they can do the same for the abused woman, that they can protect us, even if she returns time and times again. Ifci had known my son could be taken away from me and that I would have had supervised visits that may have been a wake-up call for me. The stark choice between my child and the man I loved, surely I’d have chosen my child. I have 2 children but I really only talk about my son as I feel he’s been affected the most. Yet my daughter has to. She adored my oh, she was always cuddling him, making wee raggy dolls for him, if she was worried she’d sleep in with us, yet my son never was. He’d to be toughened up, not allowed any sign of weakness. He definately favoured her. Yet she’s the one who’s made terrible choices in boyfriends, More than a few have abused her physically as well as verbal and emotionally. Her last one was brought up in an abusive family too. He reminded both of us of my oh, the nice side of him. Yet not even a year into the relationship cracks started to appear. They’ve been back and forth for years, she’s got a non molestation against him now, no contact, can’t even come in to the street she lives in. I can’t even be there for her, but she’s tough(on the outside), she’s like me, mouthy takes no s..t, yet its so vulnerable on the inside. We both thought our oh’s were strong protective men, they made us feel special, loved, yet they killed that love by their accusations and actions. She has her own place, changed the locks has extra bolts on the door. I hope she finds her own way in this life too. I miss my daughter, we’ve not got that bond, and that’s because I allowed his words to seep into my head, to turn me against my own children. He once said he couldn’t respect a woman who choose a man over her children, and that’s what I eventually did. Sort of. But I have a choice now, I’m getting my free will back, and he is scared I’ll leave him!
20th December 2018 at 9:33 am #68953
You guys had me thinking last night, what really is the difference between men and women? Apart
from the obvious they can be bigger,stronger physically,they have testosterone running through them. Are we weaker because we carry the children for 9 months? I know traditions and cultures plus the media have contributed to theses beliefs and attitudes. But the women took control when the men went off to war,some did these jobs better than men! I can only think testosterone plays a part in this, but the animal Kingdom can be ruthless but not gender bias. I for one have taught both the girls to stand on there own, get an education and be financially independent. Maybe we need to fight harder. Look at the suffragettes they were jailed force fed, some died for their cause. How rediculous to think they went through all of that to still be here at this stage of equality?It’s c**p 😨 It’s maybe part of life having to fight for what we want, and hard,men have fought for land and power for centuries. All we can do is teach the next generation of women that they are just as good as men. As you can see I’m an idealist, always hopeful, I’m sorry for the deep ramblings ☺ peace and love to you all ☺ 💕 💕 DIY ✌
20th December 2018 at 3:13 pm #68968
The difference between men and women is simple, they think with their di..s. they’ll fight anyone if they feel slighted in the tiniest way. Everything is a d..k fight with them, so yes testosterone plays a big part in the difference.
23rd December 2018 at 2:02 am #69100
There really are men out there who are as horrified and sickened by these abusive men as we are.
I just wish that others understood this better.
Even my kids can say it clearer thank I can!
They’ve called him all manner of names for his behaviour, and so have other men over men abusing women and children.
Just what do they say though to get to the dynamic. When you live under it and believe he only does it because it’s your fault.
It’s too risky to let powerful ppl in that acknowledge abuse yet don’t tackle the abuser?!?!
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