What can I do?

[Snowycup]

I was in a relationship with someone for (detail removed by Moderator) years. During that time I was verbally abused and on (detail removed by Moderator) occasions I was physically assaulted.
When he started posted things about me online after our relationship ended (some(detail removed by Moderator) months after I had ended the relation), something inside snapped. I reported him to the police. But due to the time since the incidents there’s not a lot that could be done, but he has been told to stay away from me. He also denied the allegations, despite me having messages from him explaining that his behaviour on these occasions shocked him. He sent me messages telling me that I deserved to be raped and cheated on and countless voicemails saying the same thing. He use to drive round to my parents to see whether I was there, after he had been drinking, or to see whether I was out with my friends. I lived with him for a while but moved out back to my parents after (detail removed by Moderator), for which I am glad I did as I think things may have been worse if I hadn’t.
I am not the first woman to have reported him for allegations of assault, I was his longest relationship and I feel so stupid for not walking away sooner. When I met him he didn’t have a job, I helped him get back on his feet. I filled in countless applications form and wrote his CV. Part of the reason I didn’t tell people what was going on was that he had a dog (that I loved) and he would use him to imply that either something would happen to the dog or he would hurt himself. The reason why he didn’t have a job is that he was (detail removed by Moderator) and he got fired due to allegations of assault from an ex-girlfriend. (detail removed by Moderator) He got moved (detail removed by Moderator) as “punishment” for that allegation. Then in his next relationship, his ex-girlfriend also made an allegation against him. After I ended the relationship I continued to see him in the hope that he would get help and mostly to check that the dog was safe. I ended contact as I couldn’t stand the constant accusations, messages and abusive phone calls and kept having panic attacks. I feel like I have aged so much since this relationship. I’ve subsequently found out, that despite being fired from (detail removed by Moderator) for the allegations that were made against him, he has been accepted to train and work as (detail removed by Moderator). How can this be allowed?
(detail removed by Moderator) This is a man who tried to force me to have sex with him, but it didn’t matter or count because he was so drunk he couldn’t remember. How can this be allowed? As he has never been charged with anything, his CRB/DRB check will be clean. I know that he applied previously and didn’t get in and arranged a meeting with HR person at (detail removed by Moderator) to discuss his sacking. They are aware of the allegations.

The thought of him being in this role makes me sick, but what can I do? Is this common practice? Do (detail removed by Moderator) not vet the people they are employing? I know that they have accepted people with abh/gbh convictions. This seems terrifying that people with temper problems are able to be in a role that involves safeguarding.

[Snowycup]

I’ve not used any bad language so I am confused about the **. I wish I could move on from this. Its been (detail removed by Moderator). I still check twitter for abuse but because he doesn’t tag me in any of the posts, the police say that he could be talking about anyone. which is wrong. If you read them, you can tell they are aimed at someone and if you know me, then you know they’re about me. He used other peoples facebooks (that are open) to find me. He blocked me first after I ended it, so I cant block him. He can then unblock me and try and find me whenever he likes (usually after drinking – he’s not an alcoholic but after drinking he gets nasty). I have a private facebook but he knows all the groups I belong to (detail removed by Moderator). I still think he checks this every day. I just want to leave this behind me. But how can I? I’m going to be terrified he does this or more to someone else in the future. I told the police to try and take some control back over my life and to stop the social media abuse. Now, as they’re not doing any thing further, I feel like he’s going to be smug and think he’s invincible. I just don’t want to think about this every day.

[SaharaD]

Hi Snowycup and Welcome

You might have to deactivate/delete and remove yourself from social media for a while. Change your name and your privacy settings. Also don’t post on social media. Private message who you want to speak to directly. get their phone numbers to text etc…or emails to write to them. I know this is hard but before social media there were other ways to contact people.

I sent my parents a post card the other day! Lol! They loved it.

As for his job, if you are really that concern you can write to their complaints department anonymously or head manager or report again to the police.

Otherwise this is not your responsibility. He will already been flagged up via Claire’s law. if anyone has any concerns.

I suggest going to a support group to learn how to manage your thoughts and emotions so that you feel empowered and and hopeful and can stop the obsessive intrusive thoughts about him every day.

There is a way of dealing with abusers called no contact. Once you implement this including so called mutual friends and acquiaintences you never have to think or talk about him again or see him talking about you.

“No Contact After Leaving Abuse is the act of cutting off all communication from an abusive person in order to reclaim your life and become a survivor of abuse in the most permanent way. Cutting off all communication means exactly what it says – no conversations, no email, no phone calls, no text messages, no notes, no messages passed via common friends, family or other third parties. In effect, you render the abusive person’s tactics useless – an act which ultimately sets you free”

I hope that helps and continue to interact with us here on the forum. Hopefully the moderator Lisa or calling the helpline line will offer more assistance.

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