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I am pretty sure I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My husband has mental health issues and i think i’ve allowed things to happen and been blaming that. We have young children, and i wanted them to have their dad. However recently i’ve been planning my escape in my head. When things are good they are really good, but then we have an arguement over something like he says i was looking at another man. If he knew how he made me feel he’d know there is no way i’d look at someone else for fear of the reprecussions. The problem I have is that it’s me who pleads with him to stay when at times I really just want him to go. He moved out before and it was me contacting him. I want out and to be strong enough not to ask him to try again, but I don’t feel like I have the strength.
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Hi, emotional abuse really messes with our heads. These men push us off a cliff then rush down and rescue us. It’s mind blowing abuse. You need support from women’s aid and you need to understand the dynamics of an abuser. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Google trauma bonding and you are correct that mental health is no excuse for domestic abuse. He chooses to abuse you and he can control himself enough to do it when there are no witnesses. He knows exactly what he’s doing x
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Hi WhoHaveIBecome, welcome to the forum. The fear of the unknown is what keeps us from saying and doing anything. It takes enormous courage to remain in an abusive situation,it Just takes time and gaining more information before we can make that decision. The chances of that person seeing you could be pretty slim but the fear of it is overwhelming, so your keeping yourself safe. Not being able to speak to our partner for fear of what will be said ir done is based on their previous behaviour, but it’s advised not to let them know your plans in case their behaviour escalates.
I think also once we speak of the abuse, our lives, our future lives are going to change forever, sometimes we’re just not ready to give up on that. What keeps humans going is Hope. There’s always hope he’ll see the error of his ways, he’ll take responsibility for his behaviour. Once we realise that’s not going to happen, ending the relationship goes on to the next stage. I saw my leaving in baby steps, still take that view and ive been away for nearly a year.
Keep posting and reading others posts, your next stage will happen, when you’re ready and not before. This is your journey, you choose what and when you do it. We’ll point you in the right direction and help emotionally too.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞-
IWMB thanks for the reply. I am close to my mum snd really want to tell her what is going on. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has an idea. I know if i tell her she will become determined to get me to leave and i’ll feel the pressure. So i haven’t spoken to anyone. Sometimes I wish he’d just leave me and take the decision out of my hands.
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It’s that right there,not being in control of the situation. At least living with your partner you have an idea of how to behave, how he’ll act. With someone else pushing the narrative you lose the dynamics and fear takes over cos you don’t know how he’ll react. Sometimes we have to trust in those who do have our best interests at heart. I too have wanted my oh to just leave me alone, let me be. But he won’t, so I have to just keep doing what I’m doing a step at a time. You’ll get there. Have you tried writing how your future life could be. It’s a good idea to do this, gives you something positive to look forward to. Try and keep the positivity in your thought process, one day you will get out of this relationship.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
What does everyone do to prepare to leave?
I hate when my husband drinks, it’s all fine to start with and sometimes he gets agressive I dont even think he realises as think he is so drunk that things go on in his head that arent real. I constantly think right in the morning i’ll pack up and just head to my parents. Then in the morning he’s ok again and i’m still here.
Why is it so difficult to just leave and not look back? I know if i left he’d leave the house, he wouldnt hang about and probably wouldnt contact me again anyway. Yet I cant do it? What is wrong with me?
I’ve started saving money (there is no financial abuse, i have all my own). I am then going to get the house gutted, washing all up to date etc, so that if i need to leave i’m not having to come home and face things. Not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do.
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I think maybe visualising life without him might help. It’s so hard the initial ‘break’ but this is because of the abuse and how it undermines you/your emotional health and well being.
You have him back (I did – and I did at times contact him too) to ease that pain inside.
But his abuse has caused this pain and hurt (emotional instability?) in the first place.
A song just came on (Alexa) ‘Better off without you’ by Becky Hill. Good lyrics. Might resonate…:-)
Thinking of you. x
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Don’t blame the drink. Many men drink and don’t abuse their partners. He chooses to abuse you and knows exactly what he’s doing. Don’t let his abuse hide behind alcohol. Know that his abuse towards you is calculated and deliberate. When the door is closed x keep a journal of all the incidents of abuse x
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Honestly, WhohaveIbecome, your post could be written by me, and probably so many others on here. It is so difficult to leave. I have laid awake so many nights planning and then in the morning plans seems to evaporate and all of a sudden – back into normal routine. Nothing is wrong with you – is just a big trick that your brain is playing.
I’m finding coming onto here is really helping. When I get thoughts about going back I come on here and it reminds me what the real situation is – not the one my brain is telling me when I’m feeling vulnerable.
Trust yourself and if you can’t because your brain is playing tricks – try and trust others that want to keep you safe x
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Thanks for the replies. I didn’t mean he was hiding behind the drink, i just hate when he says he’s going to have a drink as I know it will be a long night, where i need to laugh, be cheerful to stop any arguements. When really I just want to punch him in the face.
I’ve realised lately that I have become snappy with the kids when they say or do something that jknow will annoy them. Thats not fair on the kids and I feel like such a bad mum, it’s not their fault. I think, no i know we would all be better of I wasnt with their dad but it’s just the doing it.
I keep saying next arguement and i’m done, then the arguement happens and I beg him not to leave etc, why? Why cant I just let him leave???
I think my mum probably knows something, as she is always reminding me that she is there for me, and that she doesnt know how i deal with his me tal health problems.
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WhohaveIbecome, you’ve not quite reached your enough is enough moment, you’re still working things through, weighing it up. But one day that day will come. I remember when I first started posting, reading of all the women who had recently left, some who’d came on at the same time as myself and after. I felt I’d never leave,we write trying to find out how to do it, but it’s only us who can do it for own relationships ending. The more you learn the stronger you’ll becom, the more you open up the more the light shines on this secret. Secrets can’t hide in the light.
Baby steps sweetheart, it’s still we can do.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
I didn’t plan my escape, my leaving moment came overnight when things had reached a point that I literally had no control any more and I was trapped in a situation with no support and no way out. The ex was out (it turns out he was with a woman he had met) and I just packed a suitcase with as many as mine and my son’s clothes as I could get in it and left. Earlier that week I had no idea that I would take such drastic action, but sometimes that ‘boundary’ of what you will tolerate and accept just breaks.
If you are not happy in your relationship then it is OK to leave it. It doesn’t have to have a label on it that confirms it is abuse, if his behaviour makes you unhappy you have a right to leave. If his behaviour makes you live in fear for yours and/or the children’s safety, it’s abuse.
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He never goes out without us, and the only time we get away is for work and school. I have stashed a small pile of my clothes to last a couple of days, and my mum has kids clothes at hers. So if I really do need to just up and leave then I can grab them in the morning and leave as he’s always later in getting up, i’ve thought about what i’d pack for the kids. I ask the kids regularily if they are ok and happy and they always say they are. If they weren’t i think that would give me more of a push to leave.
I know i’ll find my breaking point, I know we wont be together into old age. I just need to find strength.
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