What do I say?

[Nova]

Hi ladies,
I find it difficult to tell people about the abuse, I know I don’t have to discuss every detail, but I need to tell close family members…& I’m scared they won’t believe me, so I’m worried how to even start the conversation.
Because of this I haven’t yet told many people, (& even then not the truth… Just we are splitting up)as I still feel controlled by him, sounds weird, but as its still v recent, I am still afraid, something bad is going to happen, if I talk about him. Impending doom,as its not all over yet we still have finances to sort and his things are in bags in my room…makes me feel sick.

Having to face people is like a battle between him & me, who will they believe,? he’s all good, in their eyes.
I feel panicky just thinking about it, this is how I felt when trying to challenge him, really anxious & frozen in my tracks. Unable to function, like paralysed in my thinking and doing things just grind…to a halt.

How do I explain in a way that protects me, yet sends out a clear message that his not a good person?
Should I just say he’s not the good guy you think he is??

I don’t know how to do this, they like him they think we are good together they want us to stay together…I’m so confused at the moment.
I think Xmas is help making me feel really anxious, as all around is happy and I’m not.
Cx

[Confused123]

HI Hun

I know how u feel, i felt like that before, i just didnt know what to say to people, tobe honest i didnt even undestadn the extent of abuse myself, people were like well why was he beating u up, i was like i dont know, peopel were like why did u take it, i just couldnt explain the fear, my first year i didnt say much to people, they just said to me themselves we knew he dranak a lot and troubled u, and i was like yeah, i think the two years have been a process, after year of counsellig i started telling people it was a toxic realtionship and it was better we were apart and didnt give much details, but then to his family members i was like after a year this is what happened, to be honest i found people dont really care, they just want to know to be nosy, just tell how much u want to is what i would advise, i found just talking about what i experienced set triggers of for me and would leave me feeling unsettled for days, another way of thinking is what message do u want to send out to these people. SOmetimes abrief but short message can be strong, hope im not confusing u, i just find as u move on u will tell people in different ways.I get days where i struggle and i want people to know him and his brother were abusers so other people are alert and other days i just say im just so happy now i am out of that evil family and their actions reflect them not me, and i m not going to waste my energy talkiign about them. When his frineds or even your friends say but u were so good together, i would reply u didnt see the otherside of him when we were alone, his nice to everyone but behind close doors it was different. I found that comment used to always shut everyone up .Oh and if u are not already def take counselling u with soemone who specialize in domestic violence

[Nova]

Thanks confused123
Makes sense to filter what I say . I think toxic is a good description to sum it up… Without every last painful detail!
Your so right about being nosey just for the sake of asking.. not to actually help support me!
Which kinda makes it worse.. why bother saying anything.
I know some of my family will do the whole dramatic… OMG what the H*ll really he did that? Routine . So I’m not even going to say a word about abuse.
It’ll be… we weren’t right for each other blah blah blah! Actually makes me feel better knowing I can do that!

However he will telling a different story.. the victim, all pitiful & sad! Which sticks in my throat…Makes it all harder to bear knowing I’m being bad mouthed when it’s all lies.
The real victims in all of this is us…Never get the satisfaction of seeing them get what they deserve ( I know some brave women do go to court & get convictions) I couldn’t think of any of that on top of all this atm.

Thanks again very helpful.

C x

[Serenity]

I think it’s so-ooooo important when you are healing to not divulge too much to the wrong people. Opening your soul to people who aren’t sympathetic or who don’t t understand the depths of what you’ve been through can be soul destroying.

I would say, keep it minimal. Say he was abusive. You have no need to embellish this, unless you really trust the person.

Remember, this is your truth, your life. You don’t need validation. We are all behind you. I for one read your posts and know exactly where you are coming from . X

[Nova]

Serenity, thanks for that message of support, makes me teary, to know I’m being supported! And I really feel that on here, so thanks to you & all the brave women on here.

Your so right, it’s too painful to reveal the whole sorry saga of abuse, I need above all to protect myself, & keep boundaries… I’m told by DV professionals, this is vital for all of us! Boundaries is my new mantra!

I can’t believe how people just want to suck me dry of details, anything they want anything, to grab onto!
Quite sick, as really what will they do absolutely…nothing! To top it off, they were encouraging me to stay, even though I tried to tell them he’s a crazy man, this was then reinforcing his control & ability to deceive & continue to abuse!! Keeping me locked in…

I will not give them an inch, I will wait till months down the line & by then I’ll be in a different mind set….can’t wait for this life to get easier…I mean it’s just one bleep thing after another, the struggle continues.
Stay safe & strong

Thanks all
Hugs

Cx

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