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I’m planning to leave my emotionally abusive husband we separated a few months ago but he has abeen refusing to leave. He has been being so nice since I told him.it was def over, altho making lots of passive aggressive comments etc, I know the kids notice when he is being aggressive but the is never physically violent towards me and he has been totally lovebombing them since lockdown started so for them, they are over the moon they’ve never had such positive attention from him. I dont know what to say to them if he refuses to leave and we have to leave the house. They are both primary school age, they know they’re Dad is grumpy and strict and has mood swings but they still think he is the bees knees. I think they’re going to be so upset with me if I take them away from him and he will say that I took them away for no reason and make me out to be the bad person because of course, he has been very calm and reasonable throughout all of this when he “by rights, should be smashing windows and trashing the house”. Has anybody else had to speak with kids about/left emotionally/coercive relationship with kids who are old enough to need an explanation but too young to understand how bed Daddys behaviour is?
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The NSPCC have a helpline that I’ve heard is great. Lundy Bancroft also wrote a book I think it’s called why dad hurts mum. What you need to remember is that they do not know any better and you need to protect them. Kids are resilient. But your ex will use them to hurt you so make sure you have all your ducks in a row first. You could say that daddy hurts mummy and makes her sad and she needs time away because she can’t be around him. Women’s aid have a national domestic abuse helpline so you could ring them for advice. Remember this is the most dangerous time when leaving an abuser so have a safe exit plan and don’t tell him you’re leaving.
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Thank you so much for your advice and clarity. There is part of me that keeps telling myself that he is going to be reasonable in the end and I’m making a big deal out of nothing but if that was the case I wouldn’t be so anxious about getting the exit plan wrong or not explaining things to my kids. Thanks these comments help.me focus on practical steps..thank you
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I just told my adult kids that I have had to flee. Doesnt get any easier with their age!
Its very important to teach them clear boundaries on behaviour. Children also pick pop and notice a lot more than we give them credit for. They also respond well to concrete examples. Like the advice given above from Kip. Also, use specific examples and say that is wrong to deliberately hurt some one with what you say, it s bullying. Explain that when they grow up they will have to be loved and cared for an respected. The respect factor I every important to teach them, i.m.o.
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