What do I tell my child?

[fizzylem]

My daughters (detail removed by moderator), Im going no contact and starting court proceedings for protection – its the only way, I should have done this along time ago, but guess I didnt have the strength back then. What will I say to her? She will know sooner or later Im not in contact with her dad, and I feel I should talk about it with her before were confronted by it. Only I cant find the words, I don’t know where to begin or end, how much should I say or what this should be, has anyone been through this?

I feel so sad that it has come to this for her, she’s so innocent, she needs two parents that want to be there for her to love and help her – only he’s not there, she knows this in some ways and at other times she makes excuses for him. She feels sorry him, no suprise he plays the victim with her too, he will blame me to her as well, which also makes the situation challenging to handle. She’s sensitive, struggles with anger and doesnt like to talk about how she feels.

I simply cant make this ok for her, I cant fully protect her from it or hide it anymore, its going to come with uncertainties, and questions I can not answer. It will leave her with yet more anger.

I need to be clear and explain in a simple none blaming way, a way she will understand and can accept, so she can work with the situation. Anyone?

[Twisted Sister]

i would focus on the things that hurt her, that made it unsafe for her to be around either of you. There is a book called when dad hurts mom, can’t believe i can’t remember the author’s name… Lundy Bancroft… there, it came back!

it deals with abuse through the childs perspective and helps a lot with exactly your question.

i think at her age there might not be so many questions necessarily, but if she’s angry and perhaps confused/resentful, you might get a lot of resistance, and does she want to see him?

If she wants to see him despite him abusing her, thats more difficult, but at this age (which hopefully the moderator will remove), you have the deciding vote i believe, whereas older they ask for their wishes in court.

its not ‘non-blaming’, he has done dangerous things and we must protect ourselves, and keep safe. He is at fault and its wrong for adults to treat children and adults this way. that you have both been hurt by him, either through his tricking us and making us upset, or by physically hurting us, either way, we must stop it.

I did a list of things, and my children did one for themselves too. What behaviours are bad, and what bad behaviours do happen to them. It can bring out all sorts, and quite an eye-opener for us too!

the next step is then, what can we do about it, how can we make it stop. With some people you can tell them that they hurt you, and they will be sad about that and not do it again, some people don’t do that though even though they say sorry, they keep hurting us so how do we stop them? We can’t, we have to stop seeing them.

I hope there is food for thought for you with something in that lot?

good luck with your chats, you can also say where you have covered up and tried to protect them from him. you won’t be able to preempt questions as one so young thinks about things so differently. i really feel for you doing this, you are so brave, well done!
warmest wishes ts

[fizzylem]

Thank you so much for your time and thoughts twisted, yes you’ve given me a lot to go on there. I will read the book for sure, and do the bad behaviour exercise with her, she may need clarity and I need to know how she sees things. I would never have thought about explaining it in this way, the hurt, yes of course she remembers, and I do know that. I like the way youve explained it in simple terms using some people do this while others do that.

I really appreciate this, I’ve really not known how to go about it. You’ve enabled me to see the value in these types of conversations instead of feeling fearful. Grateful x

[fizzylem]

Have played list all the bad behaviours game, it went well. For the first time she was able to talk about it, rather than curl up and get angry. It enabled me a way in to help her. I think it was important to acknowledge her truth, as her dad just wants to glaze over it, pretend it never happened, he never acknowledges her feelings in anything,never mind the trauma he created for her, she thinks she’s not important and a bad person sometimes. I really feel she got the opportunity to free herself a bit, experience that it is ok to be herself and how she feels. She was much lighter and in good spirits afterwards. She got what she needed, great hey.

(Detail removed by moderator). 

I could see it was important to her that she knows mum is working for her to keep her safe, she was happy to accept what I said, took comfort, got it. Was a good chat, only the second mature chat Ive ever had with her without her kicking off, due to her being fearful of the feelings, anger has been her go to emotion for too long when she is scared. Real progress. Felt it was bonding, her anger often prevent this from happening, feeling close and learning, not this time. So greatful. Thank you xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fizzylem

I’m so glad that’s helped see a way through, I really believe there are some very simple but vital steps that could be there for us mums trying to get through it ourselves and helping the children to get through it at the same time.

I think when you do that exercise, they realise perhaps for the first time realise that adults, mum, could be in the same place with them, rather than feeling isolated by it.

I do hope it goes well for you both, keep strong and stay safe

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

I am desperate to know how to do this with older teens,/who have been emotionally blackmailed, used as pawns, manipulated, and terrified yet forget the childhood experiences, normalise and minimalise, and do their perps bidding, evn isclosing details to them risking me and others who are helping me.

Any ideas gratefully received!

[Twisted Sister]

Or is it too late.. He told me over and over I will lose them i’m not well. It’s all about me being ill, and I am sure they believe him. That I drove him to everything even harm to them that he did was because of me (even when I wasn’t there)

[Anonymous]

Hello to you both 🙂 I hope you don’t mind me butting in! Im not sure how to create a topic!!, im not computer literate at all! so apologies xx

Children are so resilient especially when they are younger. On a positive they learn that they don’t have to take unacceptable behaviour from anyone including friends. Its a valuable but very hard lesson unfortunately. I am wondering the same thing as TS can you claw back what you have lost with older children? Has anyone managed this? xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi DIYmum

Good to hear you join in the chat around this, as it can b so much harder for the manipulated children who’ve grown up to believe they are bad as a result of the abuses.

To help with your question about knowing how to create a topic so you can post for your own questions whenever you want: so long as you are signed in, AND, within the your chosen forum (like…Is it abuse?, or General Discussion) you will see the same ‘reply’ and ‘submit’ options like you do in a specific thread of someone else’s and do a reply to it (like you have successfully done already). So the process is exactly the same as you’ve done so far, you just need to be in a diferent place (i.e. the forum of choice at the bottom of the page and signed in. Make sure you fill in the subject line too as your thread title.

I am currently writing to one of my children talking about staying safe, and that if something like has happened before should happen again its better to be outside where others can potentially call police or try to stop it, or they can get away (although in practice there’s not actually any getting away), or maybe going into a shop where it would become more of an obvious issue.

The trouble is when we left he would change contact rules around meeting and separating in public at designated spot for contact with kids. He would follow them home, and to bus stop to see what bus they got on to where, and children made to believe he’s being nice walking with them and they being too frightenedor under pressure to conform. Like they can’t say no or its being nasty to disagree withhim when he’s being so nice. Getting details of friends from them and their involvement. None of which is acceptable, puts me and friends at risk, as he’ll try to intimidate, but can’t be stopped unless contact is stopped. II, of course,end up broken, unable to escape his stalking. They find it hard to accept they are being used and I’m then seen as the crazy one.

[Anonymous]

Awe thanks TS I will try that later on that’s appreciated 🙂

I guess the kids decide for them selves. Its hard enough for adults to work out what is going on with mixed signals and messages, never mind the kids. What chance do the have? If we teach them the meaning of respect and boundaries. I guess this is half the battle. I am hoping! No contact seems to be the only way in these cases. I am the exaggerative one in the eyes of my eldest. Its brainwashing and victim blaming and through our own. Its just difficult to get you head round it all. It took me unawares but one things for sure were not crazy 🙂 take care xx

[Shipoffools]

My children are brainwashed too, they are young adults now, they both live with their Dad (they lived with me when I first left him, but he brainwashed them back with false promise in their teens). They don’t like upsetting him, they do as they are told. My children don’t live locally to me, (I moved to my home town when I left the DV marriage) so they can’t pop round through the week for tea etc…I see them every fourth weekend, even though they are adults and working – because they don’t want to upset Dad…he likes this routine!! Occasionally I’ve had to change the weekend around (if I’ve had plans) and the boys say Mum don’t go upsetting Dad…

It’s not normal behaviour is it? I’m hoping as they can afford to move out ( & they’d both like to) they will question why Dad was so inflexible…(controlling) xx

[Twisted Sister]

If you assume someone is good and acting out of kind intentions and you are trusting of that then it sounds wrong, confronting and paranoid to start disagreeing.

I think e must have believed all the hims in it lives to be not the monster we did see, and excused because of the hoovering up afterwards with gifts and blaming and denials. Why would wethink them all lies,with the crying and aparent remorse.

Pah!

How are they supposed to see it.

I have said today how important to know his agenda has and always will be to divide us. He does things in line with this agenda of making himself the great guy in front of family and friends.

How to keep safe and so on.

I don’t think it will work. He is very manipulative and they do not realise how they change to avoid his consequences, like you say , Shipoffools.

What to do?!

Warmest wishes ts

[Author]

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