What do I tell people at work?

[Muddyboots]

I’ve taken some time off work after my partner hit me for the first time and I told my boss what had happened and she’s been great. But now I am trying to ease myself back into work (my brain is totally fried I can’t concentrate, I randomly cry, I feel overwhelmed and dizzy sometimes and get chest pains, so I’m definitely not good to be back full time but am slowly trying to pick things up again). Anyway I am part of a team of nearly (detail removed by Moderator) people, most of whom I like and get on with but I am not close to. I don’t want to tell them what’s happened but I also don’t want to lie/blame myself for my absence and ongoing issues. I feel like I need to say something but have no clue what…what have you guys said to explain what’s going on when you don’t really want to get into it? Thanks for your wisdom ladies!!!

[Celeanor]

Hi,
I had a similar situation, me and my ex partner work together so everyone at work knows who we are and we’re so used to us being together so when we both called in sick for a few days during our break up as things had gotten really bad, we knew that people would start talking.
Anyway I tried to go back to work and pretend like nothing had happened just because I didn’t want people to know details as it’s no one else’s business and I did actually lie and say I had to use some of my holiday up as I had some left over. People believed me. Eventually last week I decided to let people know we are no longer together and all I’ve said is that things haven’t worked out how I wanted them to and that I didn’t want to explain what went on.
It depends on who you can trust at your work place, unfortunately for me, if I open my mouth to anyone, and he hears me talking then I will get the back lash of it and he will react badly to me. So it’s safer for me to pretend like it was a mutual break up. Which angers me because why should be have to keep so quiet but I guess it’s to protect ourselves.
If you do have someone you feel you can trust, it may do you good to speak with someone if you feel comfortable to do so, at least then you have that extra support also, but although lying is horrible, if you don’t feel ready to speak to anyone about what’s happened then you may have to make up an excuse for your absence.
I hope you manage to figure something out and I hope that you’re keeping well.
Be kind to yourself, my messages are open if you fancy a private chat at anytime.
Take care xx

[KIP.]

Hi there, you could just say you had some personal issues to sort out. Most people would be quite accepting of this. It’s a nice way of saying you’re not ready to talk about it x

[Muddyboots]

Thanks ladies! I’m so glad I don’t work with him, that would be awful, you must be so strong celeanor!

You’re probably right Kip, I should just keep it simple. I just feel like if I say “personal issues” they’ll think it’s something wrong with me, I don’t want them to think I’m weak. But I guess I kind of am at the moment…I’m a shadow of my former self. I’ve been off for weeks now and I still don’t feel I can make it through a day without crying and I am hardly achieving anything. I’m lucky my boss is supportive cos otherwise I would be in big trouble. How long does it take to put yourself back together???

[Anonymous]

I’m signed off work too, I’m trying to focus on a small change each day and celebrating getting through each day!! At the moment I don’t want to do anything except Lay in bed so I’m pleased Iv done the washing up today!
Iv told my boss and told my 2 teammates who have yo pick up my work a few details but kept it vague.
Everyone else I will simply say I was signed off and will not go into it.
Sending love and hugs xx

[KIP.]

If someone said personal issues I would think there’s a problem within the family. I wouldn’t see them as weak at all x

[Bubblegum.]

Hello, I also have a formal meeting in the next few weeks about my absence, I have been signed off. Do I have to disclose why I have been off as they want to discuss reasons why I have been off? I am really not ready to open up just yet, especially in a formal meeting.
Thanks

[Muddyboots]

Hi bubblegum, I’ve been thinking more about your situation, and wondering, ahead of the formal meeting, whether it’d be helpful to have an informal chat to find out what your boss/hr want to cover and achieve in the conversation? You could ask if there’s anything you could usefully bring or prepare before hand. The other option is you could ask if you can have someone to be there with you for support, either someone who is a formal advocate (big organisations will have volunteers or union reps that can do this) or just someone you trust as emotional support.

Also have a think about what would help you when you return to work, perhaps short days or lots of breaks? Avoiding particularly stressful meetings or people, or even just nothing requiring speaking to many people or video calls?

I’ve found the biggest trigger for me crying is weirdly ppl being kind or praising me, so I’ve tried to limit feedback to written stuff so that I don’t cry in front of anyone.

I have to admit I still feel weird not telling ppl at work, like I’m lying to them, but I’ve also found no one really pushed it, so there isn’t pressure to say more than I feel comfortable with.

The thing I’ve found trickiest, is with the ppl who know, feeling like I need to explain why I haven’t left. I worry that they will lose patience and think I’m being stupid for having stayed with my partner, or maybe suspect me of exaggerating the situation or something. But probably that’s in my head.

Good luck dealing with it, and let us know how it goes!
Bootsie x

[Bubblegum.]

Hello thank you for the advice!
Did occupational health need to get involved in your situation as you took time off at all? Xx

[Muddyboots]

I haven’t gone through occupational health for this situation, my boss has just been great and given me the time I need.

I don’t think you need to include occupational health unless there’s long term adjustments that you think you’ll need, otherwise an honest conversation or a GP’s note is probably enough, but others might have different experiences?

[Muddyboots]

Hi Bubble gum, I don’t know what the official rules are on what you have to tell/not tell your boss. Have you been signed off by the GP, if so what does it say on your GP slip?

I told my boss what happened, and I’m really glad I did cos it’s helped a lot because they’ve been really kind, not put pressure on me, and once I’d said it I didn’t need to say it again. I’ve kept all my contact to phone calls, nothing on video, so they can’t see if I cry/am all puffy. I was so stressed about telling them, just cos saying it out loud is so hard and scary. I think part of the reason I find it hard is because I’m kind of in limbo/denial that it is really abuse and every time I tell someone it’s a bit like reliving it/making it a bit more true.

Loads of luck for your formal meeting, I hope they are kind. If anything I feel like they might be more kind if they understand what you’re really dealing with.
Big hugs
Bootsie

[Bubblegum.]

Hi muddyboots, my slip says stress so do I have to tell them why or can I say it’s personal issues and then when I actually go back then have that conversation with my manager? Yeah it is really hard but it sounds to me like you’ve been really brave which is amazing to read. Xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Bubblegum,

I would think they’re concerned your stress is work related and so adjustments to your work might have to be made. So I would guess if you told them it’s due to personal reasons that means they dont have to do anything and they wont ask for details you are not comfortable giving. Being signed off by a GP is between you and your GP. You could use the meeting as an opportunity to establish your rights in relation to how much you legally have to disclose. They wont get mad about you asking as that’s the purpose of meetings like this, so everyone knows where they stand.

My work have been amazing. I told my boss what was happening and had her let the rest of the team know while I was signed off. The support has been incredible. Speaking your truth and being believed is very empowering but all in your own time. You dont have to explain yourself all the time anymore, you escaped that.

Sending a big hug xx

[Camel]

My experience is that most businesses are supportive. Whatever is said in a meeting is private. They can’t discriminate against anyone taking medical leave.And I suppose that’s the thing to remember. These days we don’t whisper about people with mental or social illnesses. We understand that not all illnesses show on the outside. Taking time off because of stress or general fatigue falls into this category. Besides, I think most people really don’t care why we’re not in work. It’s no one else’s business anyway. I’ve always felt uncomfortable fessing up to time off for ‘women’s issues.’ Or the trots. Some things people just don’t need to know. So, the less said the better in my opinion. Let your manager and HR know, you’ll need their support. Everyone else will be satisfied with ‘I won’t bore you with the details, somethings come up I’m having to deal with.’ Or whatever. Believe me, most people wouldn’t dream of grilling you.

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi, I was off several weeks. I was open with my colleagues quite early on.Not all the details but that I was going through a separation following a domestic abuse relationship. They have been fantastic and I’m glad I told them. I’m doing a support course now and they allow me to work my rota around it. My husband also texted my line manager at one point so glad she knew my circumstances. When a further incident occurred it meant I needed another day off and again it helped. Occupation health were involved before my return and were good, suggested phased return to work etc. My feelings are that it helps if work know basics and it might be helpful to you further down line. On a completely separate note , my being open has led to another colleague asking for support for her own relationship. Take care xx

[Author]

Posts