What do IDVAs do?

[bluedolphin]

I’m sorry for starting another thread but I’m waffling on in the other too long posts I made.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much. I’ve tried to get help from my local Domestic abuse services several times and have pretty much been told to just go it alone. Either apply for social housing or go to a refuge or do nothing unless and until I have a breakdown or the police come. There was no hand-holding offered to help me do any of this. IDVA offered or a chance to have sessions with someone to help me work through what’s best for me. I know nothing is a good option but I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel able to decide on my own or do it on my own. I feel lost and don’t want to keep trying for help.

I think I’ve made everyone fed-up with me. Including on here and I’m sorry for being so annoying. I know people here have offered advice before and I appreciate it all so much. I think it’s too much of a postcode lottery with help. Or is it just me. I don’t know. I was offered help from elsewhere, somewhere that doesn’t cover my area. I was too scared to go through with it, and now they sound fed-up with me when I try calling and tell me they can’t help and I have to use my local services. Who don’t seem to offer any support apart from telling you – do A or do B, but we wont’ guide you through it.

[maddog]

It’s difficult sometimes when you are on a county border. Different counties deal with domestic abuse in different ways and use different resources.

An IDVA is the first port of call to listen to you and point you in different directions for help and support. They can refer you to relevant agencies, and guide you through the first bit of getting help. They provide the practical stuff. From there you will be posted to a domestic abuse charity which will guide you further, and make sure you are not alone. They can offer different services.

You can’t do it alone. If you have been offered and IDVA, take it up!

[bluedolphin]

Hi Maddog, and thanks.

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear in first post. I was writing too fast. That’s the problem. I haven’t been offered one. Even when I tried to ask for one. Apparently they might not have enough funding if they already have enough clients. I tried again with my local WA. They just told me – here are your options, council or refuge or police, and that’s it. Decide what to do and do it. No offer of support to help me do it.

Don’t understand what the point of their drop-in was. The housing person came to see me and just said to apply to them for housing. She didn’t offer to do it with me there. She couldn’t or wouldn’t answer my questions. The WA lady didn’t offer to help me with any application despite me knowing (and being told my national helpline) that councils do everything not to help you because of housing shortage. I also don’t know whether a refuge is best especially because something might set him off in a few weeks.

I was told I’d get one a few months ago – but that was by the neighbouring service, who did say they would take me on even although they dont’ cover my area. I was stupid and lost my chance because I was too scared at the time to go through with it. Now they won’t help.

The neighbouring service seem almost annoyed with me now. I tried to beg them for help again this week but they’ve obviously had enough of me.

The national helpline were nice but told me to just try again (again) with my local WA. I can’t keep fighting for help. It feels almost as bad as what’s happening with him. If it’s this hard to get support I don’t have much confidence in it being of any help if I actually manage to get any.

I feel defeated. I can’t cope with dealing with him and the problems he’s caused, and also fight for help. If I have to fight this hard it’s not really help worth getting.

[maddog]

What have the police said? Keep trying with your local WA and with the national helpline. It is worth getting help, it really is. It sounds as though you are struggling to get on the system. Your local police force should have a bit on their website about domestic abuse and should have links to people who can help and support you.

You will need to register with Womens Aid for lots of reasons. Ultimately they are looking after you.

If you are not in immediate danger, call 101 and report your situation to the police if you haven’t already done so. If it is too dangerous for an officer to come to your home, you can make an appointment to meet somewhere else that is safe.

[bluedolphin]

Hi Maddog. I’m sorry for bringing this thread back – but I really wanted to thank you for your kind advice. I know I keep saying it on here but I do so much appreciate the support from people. I also really hope that you are doing ok?

I suppose my head might be fogged with panic and fear and worry, but I don’t feel able to go to the police. I wouldn’t feel safe staying here if he was forced to leave. The police would remove him but I’d end up homeless. I don’t think the police would be willing to take no action and just log it in my situation. I could be wrong, but I’ve been told my situation might warrant a marac (I’ve spoken anonymously to domestic abuse services and they weren’t able to confirm that he wouldn’t be arrested).

A refuge might take me but after bad experiences with my council’s local domestic abuse charities, I don’t trust them to help me with housing. I’m scared I’d only be postponing homelessness.

Sorry this is such a miserable post. I’m feeling a bit low tonight because he was really nasty earlier. Just emotionally this time but it sometimes feels worse than the violence. I’m trying to think of a way out. I suppose it will have to be refuge. Perhaps I’ll have time to find somewhere to live whilst in refuge. It’s scary thinking about leaving all my belongings behind and going to a strange area. Especially with no money and poor health. I know I have to do it though. I just have to get myself mentally prepared.

It’s hard doing it on my own but I don’t feel able to get IDVA support from my area. They don’t seem to help with housing or counselling, and would only end up making me homeless if they get the police involved. I know I should try them one more time. Perhaps they would be able to help me without making things worse.

[maddog]

I’m sorry you are feeling so low. Please can you get to your gp and tell them what’s going on? Your gp will be able to help you. I was referred to an IDVA through the police. You would be referred to MARAC through a variety of agencies on the basis of a DASH assessment. MARAC means that all the different agencies, police, gp, SS, WA, are in the same room reading off the same hymnsheet to keep you safe. The DASH form has to be filled in with you in person. Your gp may be able to do it.

All these people are there to help you.

[bluedolphin]

Thanks again for replying. I didn’t sleep well so perhaps I misunderstood what they told me, but I tried local WA again and I feel just as confused and alone with dealing with it. I know it’s perhaps just me feeling scared and confused.

I’ve realised I’ve written yet another self-pity vent. I’m so sorry. I don’t expect you or anyone else to read. I suppose I just need to let it out for myself. Maybe it will help me work through what to do. Thank you so much for your support. It’s so kind especially when you have so much to deal with yourself. I wish I could be of more help and support to people here. I only ever seem to end up panicking about everything. I do so hope you get through your situation – and come out stronger. You seem to be much braver than me.xx

I end up trying to persuade myself things will be ok with him because I don’t feel strong enough to sort out and plan leaving him on my own. I have no money and bad health. I think if I had money and good health, I’d cope with doing it without support. I will miss him a lot too. I know that’s stupid.

I can’t help worrying that local WA may be thinking because I first asked for help months ago, and as I’m not dead and he hasn’t put me in hospital, things can’t be that bad? Something might happen soon that will make him very, very angry, and I wouldn’t be safe to stay here. I keep getting told to just call the police if anything dangerous happens but I’d rather just leave him before things get to that stage. I feel sick at the fault of police involvement.

I suppose it’s my fault for being more scared of going to a refuge than being with him. I guess that’s stupid but I can’t help feeling terrified of strangers and a strange area.

I don’t think he will kill me and I think it’s a very low risk of serious injury (except for trying to make me fall apart mentally, and I suppose I just have to keep trying to stay strong)so perhaps they are right and I don’t need to plan to leave asap? Maybe I should get mental health anxiety help first? I feel better when he’s not around though so I think it’s fear of him and waiting for him to flare up that makes me anxious.

I don’t seem able to explain the emotional abuse. It seems to come out of my mouth as a playground argument. He shouted, he said this nasty thing, etc. It’s not like that but I can’t seem to explain it properly. Sometimes it is very blatant like the threats, but a lot of the time it’s very subtle and so hard to explain.

The only thing making me think it’s not just me being over-sensitive or having anxiety issues, is the fact that he has been physically violent (quite a lot at times). It’s awful but I feel almost lucky that it has been physical because it means I can’t kid myself it’s not real. He’s been more careful recently (I think he doesn’t want to leave evidence after the neighbours called the police yet again). I know he wants me scared of him, but if that’s all it is, I don’t want to risk having nowhere to live, and him being arrested for just a threat.

I can’t work out if I want or expect too much when it comes to help, or does my area not offer much help (due to lack of funding, not because they don’t want to). It doesn’t help that the neighbouring area who won’t take me on, and an area I have links to in the past both offer specialist DV counselling, hand-holding through the leaving plan and process, and will fight for you if you try for council help with housing (if the council tries to lie to you, get rid of you, etc). I suppose that’s made me want or expect more than everywhere can offer.

[maddog]

Possibly the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. You are absolutely not being over-sensitive. The WA in your area won’t be thinking anything to do with you. When you call them again, hopefully they should listen. Your first experience sounds difficult. It is really important not to take it personally. Anything could have happened to the woman you spoke to, and it’s very easy to think it’s something to with us when we’re depressed.

If you decide to call the police you can speak to an officer away from your home and tell them what is going on. Domestic Abuse is now a crime and the police take it seriously. You should not live in fear.

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