11th December 2015 at 11:10 pm #6079
I went with my husband to choose a new carpet for our lounge, when looking I sensed he was getting frustrated with me because I wouldn’t agree with him on one that he liked and I didn’t. I had taken a small square of our old carpet to check the colour and he was using it. When I didn’t go and immediately go and look at the carpet he threw the square across the shop at me, in a joking way, while he laughed out loud for the whole shop to hear, I picked it up and then said ok it’s time to go home calm and cntrolled, as I walked through the shop he was laughing out load and raising his voice saying what’s up why you going! This being the first time I’d been out with him since (detail removed by moderator)I thought he might be ok.
After he unlocked the car I got in and he stood outside at the back of the car for a few minutes, he then got in and said what was up with you I was only having a bit of fun. I told him I didn’t think it was funny and he called me Mardi, and can’t he have any fun,then drove a bit aggressively and fast and had a face like thunder. He later then said I was only having some fun to which I said it’s only fun if both people laugh, he just went off in a huff. Something like this will happen every time we go anywhere together, this is not a bad incident but what do you think?
12th December 2015 at 6:13 pm #6097
Of course this is abuse, anything that is done to undermine your point of view, make you the butt of his jokes, its all so wrong.
If it was a normal relationship you agree to disagree and comprise.
Mine a few months back said we would have a new carpet and I would pay half. I said I would need to see a quote. A week later I come home from work there is a carpet fitted…. To say a clash in colour’s is an understatement.
When tasked about it I was told he paid for it and I should be grateful….
13th December 2015 at 6:26 pm #6129
Thank you Sky,
That sounds like a punishment for daring to ask for a quote but he has to live with it too. Are you still with him?
I only realised recently after a councillor spoke to me about abuse, I thought it could possibly have been years ago as he was real nasty and would break things, punch walls, throw things, the usual stuff….
After reading and a few posts on here I have come to see lots of different behaviours he still has are abusive.
I still jump if I hear a loud bang downstairs and rush to see what it was! Worried I’ve spent to much time getting ready and he’s starting…..
When we’re out shopping I can tell straight away if someone else is near, he starts showing off and making funny comments at my expense to get a laugh, it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. Also I have to behave and let him have his own way or he will cause a scene, throwing items into the trolley or back on the shelves, using a really loud voice and bad language.
I don’t agree with much he says and it so hard because most of what he says is horrible, I have to agree and make conversation about it or he has a shout.
I have this strange way of wishing he’d spend more time with me but it’s horrible most times he does, but in my head it’s going to be lovely, deluded or what?
Thanks for listening, putting it down like this and then reading it back makes me realise what’s happening.
19th December 2015 at 7:47 am #6343
Sadly to the house sales we are under the same roof.
We only communicate by letter which is great because there is no instance abuse. But I know every time I don’t conform to what he wants there is a back lash.
I didn’t realise how vile he was.
The police have given me a door braise so if he turns into have some safety and alarms.
Worried about us both being about more over the Christmas period and he is drinking more. But I have strategies in place if things turn nasty.
Keep posting and googling about abusive men it’s surprising how similar these men are. Just remember it’s them and not us as they us to believe.
Also keep posting the ladies her are so helpful xx
22nd December 2015 at 9:06 am #6438DaisyParticipant
Hello MM from me too,
You mentioned the more obvious abusive, destructive behaviour from earlier years.It seems that when these men curb/ control their behaviour just a teeny little bit they think we should be glad or grateful. Maybe we feel things are not as bad and notice the small improvement as acceptable for a bit but the truth is that the abuse is still there, it’s less obvious and that just makes it more confusing for you and he still has a lot of work to do.
Your trip out, which you handled admirably by the way , is still abusive behaviour for him to get his own way, you’re right it wasn’t funny for you so it’s not a shared joke, or a pleasurable outing.
The drive home sounds scary and potentially dangerous.
It’s not just the actions or inactions but more the case of how they make you feel and having to do everything with half a mind on how he is going to be if kept waiting, or doesn’t get his own way, or doesn’t get the attentive audience and affirmations from you he is after.
Sounds like you are walking on eggshell around him and his self centered ways so yes, sadly the abuse is still there
X x x
23rd December 2015 at 9:34 am #6511
Thank you so much for your replies, the more I hear that his behaviour is abusive, the stronger I feel.
Falling Sky I hope your OK and he’s leaving you alone, I can’t imagine having to live with him after he knew it was all over, you are so brave. I also keep out of the way as much as I can, seeing friends, shopping and I walk with the ramblers (this helps anxiety and lifts my mood) it also keeps me out most of the day! Unfortunately he’s home most of the time, only does work for a few hours a week if at all!
We have a house as well and I’m thinking that if I can manage to squirrel away some money I could just walk out and rent, that would leave him with very little money and I don’t think he would pay the bills or mortgage, not sure if I could just leave him with nothing. I need to speak to citizens advice I think.
Daisy thank you for support, you have explained my feeling brilliantly and validated them. It’s so hard after decades of this to know what’s acceptable. Have made more contact with friends, I’m starting to see some lovely relationships between couples and want that for myself in the future but feel as though I’m asking for the stars, but as the saying goes ‘ is the grass greener on the other side’?
Thanks again MidnightMarbles
24th December 2015 at 11:43 am #6559
Take advice on what you can do, what you are entitled etc. I wish I done that a long time ago, write a log of incidents, part of my way in coping was to bury it in my mind. So if only for your benefit its a great help.
Good idea to get a freedom fund started, if possible don’t keep it at home as mine always found it. Also if you have to get out fast it may not be safe to go back and get it.
Not sure if I’m brave, but I won’t be pushed out of my home. Though the police have given me a door jam so if he kicks off I have time to contact them. But I am using this time to get him out of my head, I don’t want to be in my own home panicking about what he will do.
I work out before and after work as well as walking miles, and work has been great letting me work part of the Christmas.
No relation is perfect and thats where we go wrong taking that all these men are like what we have. It not true there are some good ones out there we just haven’t found them. My friends and her husband were cooking and laughing together in the kitchen and I was never allowed to do anything in there. I would drink out of a bottle or tap so I wouldn’t get in trouble for dirtying a glass, it was ok if he gave me a drink but he didn’t like if I made my own.
Have a good Christmas and make plans, above all stay safe xx
27th December 2015 at 1:27 pm #6633
Your situation sounds so familiar, I’m allowed in the kitchen but only if he can sit and criticise me all the time, but when he does anything I’m made to feel as though I never cook. He moans constantly about how the kids have glasses to drink from.
Hope your Christmas is safe, happy and you get to relax a little.
27th December 2015 at 6:00 pm #6643
Had a lovely Christmas, though I didn’t have any contact with my daughter and grandchildren. But as I wasn’t with him, there was no f***ing and blinding, not having the P taken out of me, no waiting for the s**t to hit the fan, no diarrhoea because I had to eat or drink things that made me ill. I had forgotten how peaceful it could be.
Yesterday when I got in he was ill (to much drink) so my son had a lovely evening laughing and watching a film and eating together, none of which he would allow.
If this is a taste of what my life will be I can’t wait. And I hope you have the same 🙂 x
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