What do you think?

[Inbetweendays]

I’ve never posted before but I feel so alone and I need to know what you think.

I was with my now ex for just over a year. Things between us moved very quick we got engaged and moved in after (detail removed by moderator) we were happy and in love. Or what I thought was love.

Our first argument was about a male friend of mine messaging me, only chatting nothing bad I’ve known him years. But he exploded accusing me of cheating literally screaming at me. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me like that he was so charming.

We moved in and shortly after had an argument which ended in him pinning me down by my head and screaming at me and went to hit me, I panicked and managed to push him off me. He was sobbing begging me not to leave saying it’s not him.

Following this every argument we had would involve me getting pinned in the corner and he would be shouting until I apologised and said I have issues and I’m so messed up.

He began acting strange end of (detail removed by moderator) hiding his phone and things like that. I became depressed and withdrawn, he came to me one morning saying he’s not happy and went to work. I panicked, I overdosed. He found me and took me to a&e. He left the next day saying he couldn’t cope.

For the next 2 weeks he strung me along, he wanted me forever he would never leave he wanted kids with me. The next day I worried he would regret what he said and he went mad again grabbing me and shaking me and shouting in my face that I was messed up. I have trust issues from a previous relationship and he had blown hot and cold. I went out a couple days later with him but I was so emotionally drained I was quiet and he didn’t like it he was shouting, punching the steering wheel and I tried to get out the car several times and he kept grabbing me and pulling me in saying stop causing a scene. I tried again to get away because he just kept screaming and he went to grab me again, I put my hand up in defence and he grabbed my neck and my leg and pinned me against the door screaming in my face go on then hit me you this and that. I was scared but in shock maybe? I still tried to make it work. We ended things the (detail removed by moderator) with him saying he’s not in love. I overdosed again on the (detail removed by moderator) and he found me again and my mum, she witnessed him being very rough with me (i can’t remember) and shouting in my face.

I have now found out that he was talking to
Someone else behind my back for a while and he has used my OD as a getaway. He has denied everything saying I pushed him to it and he never actually hit me.

It’s the little things that keep coming back, I was shouted at it I ever blue ticked him on what’s app, told my friends weren’t good enough for me, made to feel embarrassed of my hobbies.

My therapist said this is an abusive relationship? What do you guys think?

My mind is so fractured that I was so fooled by this. I’ve spoken to his ex and he did the same to her but a little less aggressive.

I want to report it but I’m worried it’s just going to be his word against mine. But he has admitted it on the phone and in person to my dad.

Thanks everyone

[Tiffany]

It was categorically abuse. Pinning you down, grabbing you and shaking you are all physical abuse, and as he did these things to you there is no way to argue that he wasn’t abusive. The psychological stuff can be harder to pin down, but you have many of the telltale signs. Relationships which move quicker than normal are a red flag – it suggests that he was engaging in a practice called ‘love bombing’ which is basically intentionally creating a very intense relationship which initially feels very loving – this is a sort of hook, you basically get addicted to the ‘good relationship’ and they then use that to control you. You are so desparate to get back to that loving state that you will do anything for them. It’s often then used in a kind of cyclical way where they are horrible to the point that you are ready to leave, then they turn on the charm and convince you that you are overreacting. The swift intense romance in the early stages can also be used to isolate you from friends and family and make you more reliant on your new partner. Given that you say he kicked off about you having a male friend I suspect that he was definitely working on isolating you, which is another sign of abuse. As is blowing hot and cold, which is a technique designed to stop you from knowing where you stand, so you work harder to get their approval.

[Inbetweendays]

I never knew about anything I just went along because I felt so happy and in love. I can’t believe that I’ve let myself be used like this and I feel such a fool.

I spoke to his ex and he was the same to her mind games and grabbing.

I feel like no one believes me because he is so harming 🙁

[Inbetweendays]

Charming sorry.

[Tiffany]

These guys are clever. I was blindsided by it too. I knew my relationship wasn’t perfect, but I thought it would get better with more work. He was so lovely to other people. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong that he wouldn’t treat me like that anymore. It wasn’t until I left and found this forum that I realised that I wasn’t the problem. And I am not stupid. I was a straight A student at school. And grew up to be a bolshy no nonsense femenist. But that didn’t stop me getting abused for years by a man who wasn’t anything like my match in intelligence but who used such disgustingly underhand techniques to manipulate me that I didn’t suspect a thing.

Nothing that happened to you was your fault. Unfortunately it can happen to anyone. I hope you find your counselling helpful and that it can help you move forward.

[Inbetweendays]

I feel like I’m going mad like I still can’t let go thar it’s not my fault 🙁 I feel like what made me so weak that I couldn’t spot it or know what was happening? I just thought it was love so much that I fought for it. I’ve been made to feel like it’s all me and that I’m so horrible to be with and that I deserve it.

I feel so worthless when does it get better?

I work with him as well and I’m anxious about going back to work.

[Tiffany]

I found it useful to read up on the techniques that abusers use to control people, and to identify exactly what my ex had been doing. The sheer toxicity of what he had been doing to me was staggering. One of the things I did realise was that he got away with what he did a lot of the time not because I was stupid, but because I was kind and empathetic and tried to understand his point of view. At the end of every argument, no matter what it was about, even me telling him he had scared and upset me when he slapped me, ended up with me apologizing for making him angry and promising not to do it again. Absolutely mind blowing when I look back on it, but he was so good at messing me around and making me think I had misremembered what had happened that he got away with it. He could literally mess with my memories afterwards too. This is called gaslighting, where they make you doubt your remembered version of events by basically lying outright about what has happened. My ex was so good at this I thought I was going mad.

Sounds like you are probably in a similar boat. He picked you because you were kind and empathetic. It makes you easier to manipulate. I decided that I would hate to lose that because of one a*****e, so I focused on teaching myself to recognise a******s and refuse to fall for them again. Maybe that would work for you too?

It takes time to feel better. Ideally you have no contact with your ex, but as you work with him I think the best technique is something called ‘grey rock’ (which you can probably Google for a better explanation) where you don’t react to anything he says and don’t engage in any non factual conversation – so you can communicate the stuff you need to for work, but you don’t engage with anything else. I would also be ready to report him immediately if he makes you feel uncomfortable in any way. You are protected by sexual harrasment laws while at work, even if you don’t report him to the police and your workplace have a duty to ensure you are not harassed at work so if he tries anything there he could be suspended or fired.

I hope some of this helps.

[puzzledatlife]

I have had 3 relationships like these and these were the ones I thought were really going to work. With one I had a child with one I moved in together and with one I got engaged and move in together.
In my last one when he disappeared yet again for the second time I also overdosed. It helped to hear…this is a cycle of abuse and the men seem really stable and loving and then do that. In his case 3 of us ex partners ended up suicidal or attempting suicide. It helped to name this as a form of abuse.
However as the time went on I started also wondering why this is happening to me and I started to relate this to my childhood. I started thinking about my upbringing, full of physical and verbal violence. About how my mom raised me telling me openly I wasn’t wanted and nobody wanted me because I was a difficult child. About how my siblings were all fine and easy and I was unmanageable. About how she’s have had other kids if I wasn’t born the way I was. And so on…there are no photos of me at birth or as a baby or as a child. Not one. I was locked out the room when my siblings played because I was young and disruptive. I was given go a nanny to be looked after and when she died my world died with her. Then you begin to think…this rejection is all I really know. I am just the one who is impossible. I did lots of bad things in my last relationship. I was unable to leave and did turn to internet dating which he found out. He has reason to say I did bad to him too, it is true. Nothing to justify what he did to me. So abuse in my experience a first step. First you recognise it is abuse. But in my case it was an abusive relationship. Not just an abusive man. It was a dynamic that was abusive and that I looked for and reinforced by staying in it and attuning to it, surviving inside it in the way I knew, hoping some other men may drag me out of it. And that’s all because I know no other way in which love can exist.
So maybe a good way of dealing with this is not to stop at whether he is an abusive person. Of course he is. But also reflect on why we can’t leave and begin to look for less painful way to receive love, re learn love.
X

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