What does this particular cycle mean – does it count as abuse?

[Stormdreamer]

Hi all,

I’m new here. I have been in my relationship for a year and a half and we have a baby together.

My partner can be very nasty and manipulative but he can also be very sweet and loving which makes things extremely confusing. I am sure most of you understand this. xx

Anyway, there is one thing in particular which we go around and around and around on. This is how this particular cycle goes…

He asks if we are ok, I say yes.
That is not enough, he wants more reassurance… so again I have to say yes of course we are ok, nothing to worry about etc..
He starts saying how worried he is and how I haven’t been very talkative or haven’t said this or that to him etc… I try to reassure and prove that I have said the right things and explain reasons for me being quiet… e.g I have had a very busy week. Still not enough for him as he says he wants affection to show him we are ok.
I then remind him that I find it hard to give affection when he has put me through so much and been so horrible to me.
He then tells me that is what will help him.
I then tell him that I physically don’t have it to give because my guards are up where I am so wary of being hurt by him over and over and over.
He then starts saying to me ‘I was only…’ e.g ‘I was only opening up’ ‘I was only explaining my feelings’
And then makes it out that he can’t be open with me because I turn it around on to me… then saying ‘why do you always do this when I’ve just tried to be honest about my feelings?’

I am left feeling entirely frazzled and confused. What is even going on here??

Thank you for getting this far, I appreciate it. x*x

[Janedoeissad]

Wow stormdreamer your partner is a carbon copy of mine. Only mine runs me round in circles about different issues.

The theme is the same though. Nothing you say is good enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

It is abusive and it will only get worst. My partner punched things and threw stuff around whilst calling me names today. Because I apparently put no effort into our relationship and I treat other people better than him.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Mine also did this “are we okay” thing.

I think it’s twofold: partly because they put pressure on you that if you have any niggling doubts you will tell them so he can trample them; partly because they’re so darn needy.

interesting also that within a short period of knowing him you have a child – yet another red flag.

Please please call the helpline. Please also know that it will NEVER get better than this, only worse. Expect him to be pressuring you into another baby soon so he can keep his control over you.

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes my ex was similar in this sort of thing, he used to ask me to text him every morning ‘otherwise he would vomit at work with anxiety’ apparently thinking I was going to dump him.

It was a clever tactic on his behalf for four main reasons:

1) It made it seem like he really liked me and needed reassurance that I felt the same after I had had doubts about early behaviour I had seen;

2) It was a really good cover for the fact that he was cheating because I would never expect such a keen and needy man to be cheating on me, it didn’t make any sense;

3) I think they are also checking to see what their current control level is over us as this is what they most crave. They know they will have to start up new tactics if we are thinking of leaving. It’s like a temperature gauge with some manipulation thrown in;

4) These mandatory morning texts also meant that he craftily always found out where I was, what I was doing and who I was with. He was always ‘casually’ asking if I had been talking to this man or that man – jealousy, possessiveness and control.

It sounds like he is hurting you and then acting like a spoilt child and punishing you when you no longer feel like intimacy due to his behaviour. It also sounds like he is denying, minimising, blame shifting, using word salad and gaslighting too, all markers of emotional abuse. It is exhausting and draining having to deal with it. It’s a very good sign you are noticing it.

[Anonymous]

Wow – if i ever needed confirmation that my relationship was abusive – this would be it. I cannot believe how similar they are all, it actually frightens me!

My abuser is the same and we go through the same cycle. In my head i am screaming that no, we are not ok and i do not want to be anywhere near him, but i always reassure him – mainly because i dont have the energy to explain things that would be self explanatory to a normal human being.

Thank you for making me feel that i am not alone and that this is not normal behaviour,

TTMO X

[Stormdreamer]

Thank you so much for the replies. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and it’s also nice to hear other people’s opinions as I sway from *knowing* he is abusive, to being in denial and thinking it’s all in my head and I’m overreacting and maybe it’s me with the issue.

It’s true, it is only me he treats like this. He is so charming to everyone else which I know is also a red flag. However, if he is on the phone to a companies customer service etc… he can be very rude and very patronising – especially those that are a call centre in a different country and I end up completely shocked that he can treat someone that way and talk to someone in such a horrible, degrading tone.
Yet… he does it to me so why do I accept that?

Also about the pressurising me into another baby as has been said in one of the replies here…
He was absolutely dead set that he only wanted one baby… funnily enough, lately he has changed his mind and would like another in the future but not right now. BUT!!!…. lately he keeps trying to have sex with me unprotected. I have said no quite a few times and he has still tried to persuade me or just hasn’t got off me until I have physically pushed him off. A couple of months ago, he actually slipped it in unprotected and when I said stop, he said he hasn’t realised he had put it in because he had got carried away…
He keeps having a sort of ‘oops’ attitude when it comes to not protecting. I have stopped kissing him because it gets him excited and that makes me feel scared because then I feel like he’s going to try something on.

Thank you for listening to me. Hugs to all of you x

[Author]

Posts