what i think is emotional abuse and jealousy

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

X amount of time ago, my kids and I were sat on the sofa, cuddling, having some nice banter and being happy. My husband sat on another chair, and we could feel he was not happy.
He stood up suddenly saying he was feeling left out and was going to leave the room instead. My kids were shocked, they looked at me as he walked away looking very annoyed, and one of my children put his middle finger up in the air as his dad went past us, not noticing the gesture luckily due to his back being turned away from us as he left.
We were all stunned.
I calmed my youngest child down, telling him not to pay any attention and said he didn’t deserve to witness an attitude like that from his dad, saying his dad shouldn’t make any child feel responsible for anything at all.
My kids are older teenagers…imagine their hurt…and they are old enough to know this isn’t right.

I am shocked. This is pure jealousy.

My husband has also accused my kids of destroying our relationship as husband and wife, not helping the situation improve. This is shifting the blame on kids who need to be nurtured instead by responsible parents who must see children’s needs and their future independence as a priority.

He shouts at them about what they “destroy” according to him, ie us two getting back together and tells my youngest that he knows we are plotting behind his back.

Tonight I saw him come and pick up x, which worried my daughter (and me) because of the threatening nature of the item. Later on i told my daughter that if that item eventually becomes more dangerous (can’t say why), I will be scared and won’t want to be around at all. Therefore I would have to call for a referral with a domestic abuse organization. I am concerned for my kids and myself.

He makes weird comments, the kids pick up on them too, and we look at each other in confusion, I am also convinced my youngest is frightened of his dad.

My youngest, though a mature teenager, cuddles me so much and acts in such a loving way towards me I feel he is acting as if he was regressing. He takes my arm and puts it around him as we sit on the sofa, he has become increasingly tactile and needy.

When I was at work, I lifted my arms and my colleague who knows about the situation saw a bruise on my arm and said, what’s that bruise, it looks like a thumb bruise. I had to reassure her it wasn’t. She says she is worried about me.

I find my husband’s behaviour strange. But the latest episode involving his jealousy in relation to my closeness to my kids was a real shocking statement.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Bridget,

Could you visit the family home and see your children when your abuser(husband) is not there? Or could you arrange to meet your children outside the family home so you can implement the strategy of No Contact with your abuser.

Yes you are right. Jealousy, fury and anger are the only emotions/feelings he has. He cannot feel love, empathy, happiness like you and I do. However if you are not in contact with him you don’t have to witness his jealousy. You wouldn’t have to witness his negative attitudes. He is loving that his negative way of being will be occupying your mind, thoughts and emotions. He knows you are a good person and he is jealous of that. He can never have your goodness. It is just not part of his nature. He is jealous and furious about that.

He is shouting at your children because ‘their upset and hurt’ at being shouted at (and blamed) will give him the high he needs. He feeds off others’ upset and hurt. He also knows this will get back to you and upset you so he will get a high from this. Even if he is not shouting at you directly he can still hurt you if he hurts the children as he knows this will hurt and upset you too. My ex does the same. He even used the same words to my daughter (the one he gets his biggest buzz out of hurting). He told her that if it wasn’t for her him and me would never have separated. Now he knows full well this isn’t true and I know this isn’t true (we separated because he was abusing me).

Bridget how did you get the bruise, was it from him?

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Hi Lover of no contact,
Unfortunately I have had no other choice but to rejoin the marital home, so I cannot escape the situation. We are seeing a professional who has managed to work with one of my children to see what goes on, and what did go on while I was away temporarily won’t glorify my husband one bit.

In the meantime I have told this professional I can’t cope any more with my internal emotional pain, decades of insidious abuse from childhood to now. I can’t free myself either, I am so brainwashed I still stay, confused as to what to do, subconscious ingrained fears working like a hamster wheel, drawing me back, trauma bonding, fear, etc.

I need long term therapy to retrain my thoughts.

Being at home gives me a chance to be with my kids and help them, my youngest wanted me back, but he wants the divorce to go ahead, long story about what he voices with the professional…

The bruise is nothing, I hurt myself, it wasn’t caused by my husband.

Everything that goes on gets automatically minimized…i can’t stop it. My brain functions that way, and he knows how to push the buttons.

Xx BJ

[Author]

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