What if he can't help it…

[Peacethroughhealing]

Please don’t be annoyed by the subject header here. I am having a bad day but just trying to keep myself busy so that I don’t contact him. He text me a lot all week and I ignored him then he emailed my boss (detail removed by Moderator) to see if I was okay as he couldn’t get hold of me. I had just agreed to go to (detail removed by Moderator) after him badgering me on and on to go. I finally agreed and then he emailed me at work on (detail removed by Moderator) to say he’d met up with (detail removed by Moderator) the night before and they thought it would be too much for me to go and that better I build bridges with his family after (detail removed by Moderator) as he would be busy anyway with(detail removed by Moderator) etc etc…. That was almost the final straw for me – I say almost because part of me still loves him. I have no bridges to mend with his family as it’s been all him and the truth is that I can’t look them in the eye. His nieces and nephew either who love me and I was really close to them. Anyway, it was all a manipulation game. I ignored the email, had drafted something to send him but didn’t and then he started with the texts wanting to talk to me about going to (detail removed by Moderator) and the next step of the professional support he was getting from the counselling he was getting for being (detail removed by Moderator) sober. It’s all about him and he just wants me at (detail removed by Moderator) to show that he has a respected girl on his arm and to cover up who he really is. Weekends are the worst for me without him and I do really miss him today and I start to think what if it is out of his control and he can’t help how he’s been with me. I was once very close to his family and now it’s so awkward. It takes a lot for me to walk away but I don’t see how I can be with him or see his relatives at (detail removed by Moderator) when I know what he is. I just keep seeing the times when he’s had that angry look in his eyes and has been screaming at me. His mum said we if you will stoke the fire so then I think maybe I should just back down and go along with everything. Anything for an easy life, be submissive. I know it’s wrong. He bought me a mothers day card and a present from my beautiful dog last week and it’s when he does things like that that I start to think twice.

[Anabela]

Hey. I understand that you miss him. And you do know that being submissive is not the kind of life you would want for yourself, right? Of course he does have the charming side, otherwise you never would have gotten in that relationship in a first place. But it is not enough to outweigh the bully side of him. When someone screams at you and is uncontrollably angry is horrible. Maybe it is best not to go to that (detail removed by Moderator) so that you would not slip back into relationship with him? I understand he would be at that (detail removed by Moderator) as well? (detail removed by Moderator) is romantic, some alcohol, you feel like missing him and you might get back to square one?
When I left my ex, I also had to cut contact with two very dear people to me as they were related to him and I realized it was not possible to leave him and live in peace while having that bridge between me and him. It was a very painful decision to make so I can understand you are feeling torn as you get on well with his family.
Basically, all I wanted to say that I understand how you feel.

[KIP.]

Nobody here will get annoyed with you. His behaviour is dreadful. The mind games they play are awful. The sad thing is that he can help his behaviour but simply chooses not to. He won’t change and his behaviour will get worse. Have you read about the cycle of abuse? Does he abuse you in public or can he control himself perfectly well when there are witnesses. This was my painful realisation that he chose to abuse me. Simply waiting for the door to close and beginning his abuse. Where five minutes earlier in company he was an angel. It’s mind blowing confusion. Time to put yourself first and block him totally x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PTH, he’s doing what all abusers do, remember the cycle of abuse, the being nice, doing things around the house, buying things, inviting you to (detail removed by Moderator), now he’s taking that invite away. Building you up to knock you down. He knew what he was doing, he’s played the game for so long, badgering you to do something you didn’t want to, then when you do it for peace of mind, they punish you. It’s so dependable, which considering it’s an abusive relationship, it doesn’t seem to be an appropriate word, but it is the only thing you can depend on abuser being and that’s being abusive. Acting like a spoilt child. So with all spoiled children you just don’t give in to them. You’ve recognised it is all about him, he’s just trying to get you to see him in a good light, get you to take him back. It’s not easy turning off that feeling of loving someone, but you know deep down He’ll not change. Try saying no to him more and more, that’ll show you if he’s changed or changing. Abusers don’t like being told no.
And no-one is annoyed with you, how could we be? you’re allowed to miss him, you loved him once upon a time.
I hope your weekend gets better, someone mentioned even changing rooms from where you’d normally be is enough to change our thought patterns, worth a go isn’t it?
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you. I find this forum so so helpful and would have been much wore without it. I have not long since moved into a house so have a lot to do and have neglected it to help him and support him through his sobriety. He nearly killed us both in a car (detail removed by Moderator) I’d moved into the house that I’d waited a long time for. It doesn’t quite feel like home as he’s been abusive in it and it’s the place that I broke down in and found out who he really was after the episode (detail removed by Moderator). The control and manipulation that weekend were terrible and I was trapped in a car with him for hours travelling back to (detail removed by Moderator). Ever since then I haven’t felt the same about him. I used to love him so much and found him so attractive and I looked at him the other day and it’s gone for me now. I suppose I’m just very angry as well as so upset. We could have had something beautiful and he destroyed it. This is one of the many texts I received from him (detail removed by Moderator). As I’ve done nothing for him and he’s all woe is me – Oh and I was supposed to go to a day not that long ago (as if I give the date it will be removed) for (detail removed by Moderator) and all the family would have been there and I just couldn’t. —
‘(text detail removed by Moderator)”(text detail removed by Moderator)‘ – I didn’t reply. ….

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PTH, I too look at my husband now and all I see is ugliness, nothing about him reminds me of the man I fell in love with, unless he’s wanting something. I can’t imagine living in this house once we’re separated, it’s too big for me for a start, plus it’s got too many bad memories in it. Once that love goes, I mean totally goes, it can never come back.
They are so very good at saying we do nothing for them, yet all we do every day is make sure they have what they need and we do everything for them, they are in our thoughts all day, we put them before everybody else and that’s what’s wrong.
Take care of yourself
IWMB 💕💕

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