What if I really could've made it better??

[Starmoon]

I’ve just got back from a hen weekend and it’s been fun but so emotional. The whole focus of the weekend was just a constant reminder of what I don’t have.
I just wish he was home with me.. I had made him my world and my safety net. I truly love him with all my heart. When things were good between us they were amazing, he made me feel special, loved happy but some how it always ends. It really is like the chicken and the egg.. I don’t know where it all started… was I the reason he left me the very first time? Is there something so wrong with me?… then he came back and my barrier was up and was blunt and didn’t trust him, made things difficult so then he left again… then came back then left again and on and on and on…. He said recently that he’d been reading over old text conversations and he was so loving and nice yet I was blunt and cold and found problems in everything… he’s rite- I was and did sometimes. It must’ve been so tiring for him…. maybe I just wasn’t nice enough, maybe I didn’t give him or show him the love he needed. He told me we ended because nothing he ever did was enough and that I couldn’t drop the past… I didn’t directly bring the past up but I guess my reactions to him were shaped by the past. I really did struggle not to assume the worst in him and I’d developed a zero tolerance attitude… once I’d gone from being scared to disagree with him over anything but before he left me this time- I was down his neck about anything that even slightly made me think of how things used to be. we had counseling and I definitely did learn from it, but it didn’t make everything ok. I found it so hard living it two separate houses (especially since I was the one bringing the children up)… I didn’t want us living together either- because I wanted so many things to be different first. I wanted to be financially stable myself so that I wouldn’t need to rely on him if he moved in- I’d feel more equal then. And I wanted to know he wasn’t going to leave again…. but the longer we weren’t living together, the more the doubt over what he wanted would creep in. I half wish I’d thrown caution to the wind and done it… but I didn’t know if there was going to be other problems if he did, like there had been in the past. We both earned more this time but before- money was an issue because he was spending it faster than it was coming in and I was having to constantly moan at him. He earns more than me now but I didn’t want to have to ask him for money either… he said that if I’d just gone with the flow, that everything would be fine. So maybe I was finding problems that weren’t there?! I’m going back over everything in my head… what seemed rite at the time now just seems so mixed up. I thought I was doing the rite thing being cautious… but maybe I wasn’t. He was always terrible with money so I was the sensible one… it meant that any time spending was mentioned- I had to think twice. But I still don’t know if that makes how I behaved acceptable?
I thought that the nature of an argument was usually because of misunderstandings? But isn’t there usually some sort of resolve? I guess he was sick of me thinking the worst in him, but it wasn’t so much that I saw the worst- it was that I was tired of sorting out the same things… I’m just so lost and feel so low. How can I move on if there’s a chance this was all my fault

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

I remember you mentioned about going on the hen do, I’m not surprised it was triggering, I have avoided them for years because as bad as it sounds it is not easy celebrating the marriages of others when you are so depressed about your own relationship situation yourself, so you were brave to go and I’m sure the bride to be appreciated it.

I remember you said previously that your ex assaulted you and he was arrested, which sounds pretty abusive and scary. Have you written up a list of all of the abuse? It will really help you in these confusing times where you doubt yourself. Abuse is extremely confusing, they make it that way on purpose so that we blame ourselves, go back and depend on them as they don’t want us escaping, they want control. I thought I had the loveliest boyfriend in the world who just occasionally did and said strange, hurtful things and I was completely brainwashed until it started to dawn on me what was happening.

Also, what helped was watching youtube videos and read books and articles about abusive relationships and the relationship patterns of n*********s, sociopaths and psychopaths to help me understand all of the tactics they use to abuse us, confuse us and keep us trapped. It should help lift some of the fog of the abuse you are experiencing.

It is definitely not you, it is him, and there is nothing you could have done to have made the abuse stop.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

remember you from some of your previous posts, so glad to hear u feeling more stronger mentally, whether you can see that im not sure, it never you was hun , it was him who always to play the mind games and have you begging him. Im gald you put some boundaries in place to stop him moving in, he seems to still playing the stupid games, keep away from him and remember u deserve better, he cant respect you or your boundaries . Even when i was with my ex, he had no control of money anad blew it like anything, theres nothing wrong in wanting security. You say you must of been tiring for him, i think he was tiring for you. Yes you woulod be on guard, why wouldnt you after all he put you through last time, inf act that should be the reason you dont want to get back with him, he nots good for you, he messes with your head, they live a life that has no control, i myself personally need control of my life and cant live the way they expect us to . you are replaying everythign in your nhead beacuse your body is warning u opf the danagers and not to go back. Recently I had to go back to my old town that i lived with in ex, was eye opener how my body responded thati was in danager zone, dont ignore your gut

[bunsandcakes]

Sending love and support, it’s b****y hard!!!! These questions go through my head all the time. Their behaviour keeps us spinning so we never feel we truly know where we stand! The only thing that keeps me going is that the way he behaved was wrong. Leaving was the right thing to do because, regardless of what happened in which ever order, good people don’t treat each other like that and it had to stop. He wasn’t a good person, you stopped it. You have done the right thing. There is no going back I am afraid, there just isnt.

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