What if its really my fault and my problem all along?

[Mime]

It seems the cycle is beginning again but I’m not sure if it’s my fault.

There’s been no drama or overt anger for a few weeks, but now he’s angry with me again and not speaking to me and I’m not sure where it will lead this time.

When he’s in an ok mood (which isn’t all that often) I’m usually hurt and resentful from whatever his latest episode has been – insults, anger, hostiliy and silent treatment. So I find it hard to be ok with him, and I’m quiet, subdued and distant.

This makes him angry and upset with me again- he says I don’t care about him and mostly its true. Its hard to write this, but mostly I hate him or fear him.

So he might be cuddly or cheerful, but inside I feel cold at best, and then he says (detail removed by moderator)(which I probably am).

We still have sex – on his terms. Not that I want to, but I don’t ever say no because I fear his reaction.

He doesn’t hit me. But his anger, hostily and vengefulness are overwhelming, so I do whatever I can to keep the peace.

But I think – maybe if I was nicer, warmer, more appreciative and supportive, he might not end up being angry and punishing me the way he does.

I’m very confused. I feel somehow this is my fault because I’m not warmer and more loving. But I don’t know how to be. Sometimes when he walks in the room I feel sick with anxiety.

I’ve been in other relationships where I’ve been punched, shoved, broken bones, raped, threatened (detail removed by moderator), strangled till I passed out.

He doesn’t do those things but I fear him just the same. He says (detail removed by moderator) (because of my past) and that he’s not like those other men. Maybe he’s right, so why am I so scared of him? When he punishes and hurts me it feels the same. Its just there are no bruises.

Although sometimes he bites me and leaves bruises and it does hurt, a lot, but he says he’s(detail removed by moderator), and I don’t stop him, I don’t say anything. So then I think its my fault again, because I could ask him to stop but I don’t. ​

I ended up in hospital once because of physical abuse (in a previous relationship – the neighbour called the police) I had bruises from bite marks then too, all over my body. And that person said (detail removed by moderator) and I didn’t stop him either- so is it any different?

I’m trying very hard to be normal and measured and calm in all my responses, but I think there’s something wrong with me. I either feel dead inside or seething with quite rage or full of fear and dread.

Which is why I think to myself, is it my fault all along? My partner says (detail removed by moderator). Sometimes I think, what if he really is the innocent party here, and I really am that difficult?

He says (detail removed by moderator).

But then I think, protect himself from what? What do I actually do to him? I can’t think of a single thing. I honestly can’t. I feel soiled though, deep down, and defective, and I think – what if he’s right?

[Lisa]

Hi Mime

Sorry to hear that you are going through the cycle of abuse. Your partner is controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, it’s not ok for him to bite you or hurt you. You are not difficult, your partner is manipulative and tries to make you feel like it’s your fault, but you have done nothing wrong, and he chooses to behave this way, it’s not because of you.

I can understand why it’s so hard to be happy with someone so abusive to you. You are having to go along with things such as having sex, because you are afraid of what your partner might do or say to you, this is another sign that you are experiencing domestic abuse.

Please think about reaching out for support, you could get in touch with a local domestic abuse service if you haven’t already, you can find their details here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting on the forum to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Watersprite]

Hello Mime I’m so sorry to hear of the abuse you have experienced both in the past and by your current partner who is abusing you. I sense your confusion and blaming yourself so much. Our brains get conditioned to normalise abuse and because this abuser is different from the other one you are finding it difficult to accept it is abusive. The psychological abuse was for me anyway hardest to deal with because it made me so confused and doubt myself just as you are. I started by looking at his actions and way he treated me not what he said and every time he shifted the blame to me I would question that not to him but in my head. Slowly with support from agencies I began to see the truth and see him for what he was and then I made a plan to leave. You deserve a life free from any abuse at all you are worth so much more. Please reach out for support safely x

[Author]

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