What is happening? Is it me?

[Aurora@3]

Hi I’m new and wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this and any advise… is it me?

I literally don’t understand what’s going on with my husband as his attitude and narky comments and getting more frequent, I’ve literally had family/friend tell me I’ve changed and can sometime seem a shell of myself.

Me and my husband have been together (time frame removed by moderator), we have quite and age gap between us and have a young daughter together. I feel like he’s definitely got worse since us having our daughter and it feel like he uses her as a weapon.
Recently it had been our (occasion removed by Moderator) I brought practically everything from presents/ decorations ect… I spent the evening after work setting up and prepping food for our (occasion removed by Moderator) for my husband to just go to bed. The next day my family came round to celebrate (his side doesn’t bother) my husband chose to stay in the living room all day/night with a face on him. He’d literally come in grab food and made a comment about the music ‘saying it was c**p’ and then go sit back down. He came in the kitchen to (details of conversation removed by moderator)

He also makes comments/digs infront of our daughter. I put her in time out if she’s misbehaving but she does have warnings before this happens. The other day she was misbehaving and I ended up putting her in time out of course she cried (but it does work because then she’ll apologise and get on with it and if I’m honest she’s normally good for me, it’s only when my husbands round she acts up the most) with he crying and shouting daddy he says ‘(quote removed by Moderator)‘. (detail removed by moderator)

He said she can’t stay there anymore and she always asks to stay but she maybe was staying maximum (number removed by Moderator) a month anyway. Everytime I go to visit he makes comments about my parents just moaning about them and how they are. He’ll always ask if they’ve had anything to say and I’ll say no, he’ll then proceed to say ‘I bet they did blah blah, you just don’t want to tell me’ and I know he’s just after an argument.

(detail removed by moderator)

Money situation: I earn alot less than him and work (number removed by Moderator) days a week at the moment, that’s something that was agreed when we couldn’t get childcare. When I’ve told him I’ve struggled for money cause it nearly all goes on our daughter which I don’t begrudge at all!! And then somethings happen to my car, ‘he’ll make comments like you need to save more then’ ‘well what you going to do’ he’ll allow me to stress out and be upset before maybe a week later saying he’ll help me with my anxiety through the roof. He’s said ‘you need to work more, but you don’t want to’… Not the case at all so I have started working some weekends and he still moaned about that.

I’ve mentioned before to him about us having a joint account so I don’t feel like I’ll have nothing left incase something unexpected happens and he completely shut me down about it. He’s always saying he puts a roof over our heads, pays the bills and pays for all the s**t I watch on the tele. (detail removed by moderator)

He also likes to remind me that when I pass away he’ll have nothing and when he passes I’ll be OK he says ‘what will I get?’ very begrudgingly. Making me feel worthless.

I never really go out with friends and if I do it’d be about once every 6 months. When i did go out he always tries to ruin it by making comments like ‘if it’s takes that long to get ready I wouldn’t bother’ ‘oh that’s going to cost how much’ ‘why you brought a new outfit’ – (last time I brought myself any new clothes was (timeframe removed by Moderator))… He’ll then send me love poems and that when I’m out and I’m looking at then like what the hell, he’s made me feel s**t about going out which is rare and then sending me these. To clarify I have never stopped him going out or doing anything he wants todo ever, I’ve even dropped him off to go out. He’ll then message if I’ve stayed at a friend’s and be like when you back, ‘why weren’t you back this morning’ cause a soon as I’m back I’m back to playing maid for him.

This has been a long story so sorry about that and I’ve still not mentioned everything but is this normal because I’m feeling like I’m not good enough?

[Aurora@3]

Continuing from above because I feel like I just need to get it off my chest and maybe hope others take the time to read…

I can be cooking our food and he’ll always say to our daughter show mommy show mommy and I will willingly stop what I’m doing to watch her whether it be a dance or singing (as of course I’m interested she’s my baby girl) once finished what she’s doing I’ll praise her and watch her from the kitchen while I continue cooking, he will still say mommyy come watch and I’ve said time and time again, I know I can see her she’s having lots of fun and hell say ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ and I’ve said to him please don’t say that to her and would you like to come and cook our food and he’ll say ‘your always too busy’… I mean tell me if I’m wrong but being a mom/wife and running the house is busy? No? But I’ll always make time for our daughter.

I messaged and offered to take us for a meal in a few weeks so we could maybe have some alone time as we never do ( I also offered as he said I’ve never taking him out, yet I cook every night, batch cook his pack up ect) and all he replied was ‘where our daughter staying no kiss’ and I said at my mom’s, he then continued to dig again and again at my parents and when I didn’t answer straight away I got ‘no answer? It’s because I’m right’ I just thought forget it I’m trying todo something nice and you’ve thrown it back in my face.

I always make the effort to tell him I love him or hug him or give him a kiss and he’ll say (joking) ‘do we have to’… But he’ll soon make an effort if it’s sex. We definitely aren’t as affectionate as we used to be as I feel no effort is made his side and I feel like not bothering.

My friend getting married soon and I’m maid of honor so had dress fittings/hair trial ect to go to and again all I’ve had him say is ‘why you going again” ‘you going to be all day then’, ‘what about my food’, ‘when will I get time for myself’.
He goes gym every day and he goes bed when ever he wants to (he does work nights) I’m lucky if I get a shower or go toilet in peace without him saying ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ I mean seriously.

Another thing, if I take our daughter to my parents he’ll say things like ‘baba I won’t see you til tomorrow night now, you’ll be gone and daddy won’t see you’ and I’ve said she’s not left the face of the earth you’ll literally be picking her up from the childminder tomorrow while I’m at work and have her to yourself. At this point she’ll be asking to go to her grandparents because she knows it’s the day to go and that daddy will leave for work anyway.

If he wants to go out just to have a nosey at a DIY store, he’ll plan my day and be like come on I want to go there and I’ll say I’m not stopping you I got stuff todo here but literally insists and starts saying ‘it’ll get our daughter out’ and I’ll say take her the while I sort the house, clothes washing and food. He’ll go in a mood and be like ‘don’t bother then we’ll stay in shall we and be bored’ guilt trips me and every time we have a disagreement when we are out so I try not to go to avoid that aswell.

(detail removed by moderator) hear things clattering making a huge deal out of something small which I was going to sort. He always points out what I haven’t done but never notices what I have done.

Again sorry its all so random, it’s much easier to say than type x

[InShock]

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself. That forms part of psychological aka emotional abuse. My ex-husband did that to me and as soon as I gave birth he used our child to make me out to seem like a bad mother when all I ever did was look after our child.
I recommend reading “Bad Father” chapter of The Freedom Programme book.

Sounds like you still love him. I’m so sorry what you’re going through. I had to run as things got so bad, and afterwards fight the trauma bond so as to not go back.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Sounds like he’s trying to isolate you completely from your support network ( friends and family) so that you’ll have no one to help you and then he can turn up the control and abuse and you won’t have anyone to help you see what’s going on.

Trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter is also a common tactic.

Exhaustion and confusion are used in psychological torture and abusers use it too, it’s very effective.
Just going at you all the time, wearing you down, and never giving up on doing that ends up sucking the life out of us. We don’t know what is going on and we’re too tired to fight. Sometimes that’s why some of us stay in these relationships for decades.

When you finally leave and look back, you regret so much that it took so long. This forum and other women who’ve been through this can help you so much from this point of view.

keep posting and sharing. Xx

[Aurora@3]

Thank you both for taking the time to read and your replys.

I will continue to post an update.

Just needed some reassurance that it wasn’t me and something definitely isn’t right and I shouldn’t be being treated like this. X

[InShock]

How are you doing lately Aurora@3? Hope you’re well and safe

[Aurora@3]

Hi thank you for messaging to check on me. Are you OK?
I am OK, I did make a post a few days ago but it was too detailed so had to be removed.
I am safe just going through day to day at the moment.
Do I dare say my husband has been OK the past few days but it never lasts long.

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