8th February 2019 at 12:03 am #71991
My husband walked out to get his head sorted .. he rings me on a daily basis to ask how I am and how the kids are. He sees them everyday day his mums before I collect them for about 2 hours. He still gives me money each week as he did when we were together and I feel like a b***h!! Is he really trying is this him trying to show me he has changed? One of the many reasons we split was because he never spent time with me of the children never took me out never took the kids out …never went on holidays and was happy innthebmmowytrhat my wage covered all the bills and he gave me money each week for groceries.
Is he changing, should I give him another chance ?
8th February 2019 at 5:48 am #71994
Write down everything he has done to you and how it made you feel. I can tell you I split for several months and he became the perfect husband, keeping me hooked in. Within weeks of him moving back in his abuse began again worse than ever. It’s all about control. Ask him to stop contacting you on a daily basis. Abusers are often cheaters too. Is he seeing someone else? Keeping you hooked in?
8th February 2019 at 9:25 pm #72047
I do believe he’s doing it so he can have me whenever he wants me or when it suits him to walk back in. I did think for a while he had someone else but I couldn’t prove it. But I do know he would leave the house when he was here to take phone calls. I know it’s just another form of manipulation
8th February 2019 at 10:26 pm #72056
It looks like he’s letting you believe he’s changed. He knows what it is that you want, his time, his commitment to you and the family, so he’s doing that Willie hashing the freedom of not living in three family home. You’ll know if he’s changed, if you say or do something that you know he’ll argue black is white, just so he’s right and you’re wrong. Could you keep him at arms length to give you breathing space. He’s walked out on you, to clear his head.
There’s a Del Amitry song about a man walking out on his wife, looking to find himself, but what he forgot was it gave his wife breathing space to find herself again too, and she realised in the end it wasn’t him.
Try and not see him every day,(it might be difficult under the circumstances, but there’s always a way) it’s his way of keeping him in your head. Do what’s right fir you, guilt is a terrible burden to bear, it’s so hard to shake, but try not carry his guilt as your own.
The dynamics in society are changing. Women are standing up to abuse and sometimes just bad behabiour. Our grannies were so clever. We need to train men (like pets), in how to behave, especially if they never had it growing up😉
9th February 2019 at 12:55 pm #72076FlowerchildParticipant
It was so easy for him to walk out, wasn’t it? It doesn’t have to be as easy for him to walk back in, though.
He may well be trying to have his cake and eat it, darling. He clearly has some agenda he hasn’t shared with you and probably won’t. He might be keeping a foot in your life while he builds another life for himself, waiting until he feels secure to step across.
Perhaps he’s grooming a new potential partner, telling her he’s separated or even divorced, playing the great dad and wronged husband.
Has he even told you he wants another chance? Beware being his fallback position if his plans go wrong. He decided to go: you don’t have to keep the door permanently open!
Why not proceed as if he’s never coming back and start making progress on your own agenda? Please don’t wait around kicking your heels waiting to see what he decides about your life!
9th February 2019 at 1:45 pm #72080
Thank you all so much. Sometimes you get caught up in the games that they play that you don’t see the reality of your situation. He is doing this to keep his options open and maybe it is to allow me to be his fallback or to keep control. It’s hard to admit that the life you have normalised is not nor would never be acceptable to a lot of woman but you stick with it hoping that he will change and things will get better x I know now from his his behaviour that he’s willing to get on with his life and try to control me from outside. He did say that maybe (detail removed by Moderator) months should do it…what (detail removed by Moderator) months of torture of me trying to carry on for the children and then for him to walk back in when it suits him. After he think he has punished me enough.
It’s learning to stop yourself from worrying about them and trying to work out what he is thinking or their next step will be! I need to make a life for me and my kids without him x his mum has already told me that he’s getting on with his life and that’s hes not breaking his heart over me.
Thank you all for your support xx
9th February 2019 at 2:02 pm #72082[email protected]Participant
My ex came back, text me everyday when he first left ‘how’s my girls?’ It was like a knife twisting in my stomach. What he failed to tell me was he had left for another woman initially. As long as his needs were met he was fine to hell with what everyone else needed(like security?) Its a head wreck! He came back for one week on his hands and knees a changed man. By this point him leaving had made ME feel stronger, I put my foot down and said no more, it’s time for you to go. Don’t get me wrong he put up a horrific fight to stay but with the help of the police he was gone. From that point on I knew I had to take control back. This is definitely the hard part. I went backwards and forwards in contacting each other by phone only, but more hurt ensued. I’d say it took about a year to realise I had to go no contact. It was the best thing I ever did. (detail removed by Moderator) To cut a long storey short hus behaviour never changed. We have him out of our lives now for good, that decision on that day was the best thing to happen xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌ sister suffragettes 💪
9th February 2019 at 4:25 pm #72097
So he wants (detail removed by Moderator) months to find himself! Wow, what an egotistical (detail removed by Moderator). Don’t let on that you’re planning not to have him back.
Oh how I’d love my OH to go for (detail removed by Moderator) months to see if we are what he really wants. Thankfully we’ve no children together, so I wouldn’t have to deal with how confusing this must be for them. Seeing them for a few hours a day, it’s more than what they were getting from him living at home I take it. These men are truly a law unto themselves. Is he living at his parents then? My oh actually got me to follow his wife to see if she was cheating on him. A friend of mine used her car, she wasn’t. Looking at it from what I know now I think she was trying to make him think she was. So even though he was seeing me, he still didn’t, couldn’t bear the idea she was doing the same. I to this day, don’t even know why I didn’t tell him to go raffle himself. I think what would he have done if she was, maybe in his head to justify seeing me?? Who knows. The signs were there for me to see he wasnt right fir me, but the human magnet syndrome was at work(chemistry), I was in it up to my neck, totally addicted. That addiction has worn off now, I’m planning to get away, but still find it hard to love me enough to walk away.
I hope you find the strength to keep him out. Have you written down his behaviour how it makes you feel. That alone is enough for a solicitor to get you a divorce, as its crazy making behaviour. As is just being plain old unhappy in the marriage. Have you looked up being addicted to love, and the FOG (fear,obligation and guilt). Knowing why we stay is as good a place to start reading. Knowledge is power as they say.
9th February 2019 at 5:16 pm #72101
From what his mum said to you it sounds like heis seeing someone else. His mum has probably met her and is trying to break it to you gently. I know my ex was showing me around while still married. They don’t think twice about putting family in dreadfully awkward situations. Lying to them too. It just comes naturally to them.
9th February 2019 at 5:33 pm #72102
I wonder if you would be brave enough to ask his mother straight to her face? I know mine was cheating and it’s very common for a n**********c abuser to have other women lined up. Such is their insecurity. Their need for n**********c fuel.
9th February 2019 at 5:51 pm #72103[email protected]Participant
Make sure you don’t take his cheating (if he is to heart)they do this as part of the hurtful abuse. They just use everyone around them, there’s no feeling involved with a n********t. This situation is nothing to do with anything your lacking or anything you’ve done. If you were a super model he would still find fault and cheat. I took this to heart for years feeling like I wasn’t good enough xx the truth is It’s a tactic called triangulation and its the lowest of the low xx 💕 💕 many men out there wouldn’t dream of behaving like this so don’t loose hope xx getting rid of him will mean you’ve dodged the bullet xx 💕 DIY ✌ 💕
9th February 2019 at 6:37 pm #72105
I agree with the above comments. You have done nothing wrong to deserve this despicable treatment of you. He’S probably filled her head with a load of nonsense, none of which is true. Since his mum has told you he’s moving on…. pack his things up and take them to her house or put into a spare room, loft, garage. Start divorce proceedings. He can’t have his cake and eat it. How dare he treat you like this. He’ll be thinking you’ll take him back as soon as he’s seen the error of his ways, or he just might be getting ready to discard you, if his new lady is a better option. She’s not seen his dark side , yet, she’s not arguing over silly things(his thoughts), she’s not daring to contradict him. I’m not saying this to hurt you, it’s the farthest thing from my mind. Once we stand up to them, it can go in many directions. Above all it’s about staying safe, protecting yourself, whether that’s physically or emotionally and financially.if you have any joint finances, keep tabs on it, check passwords are safe on all electronic devices or renew them.. Have you an Amazon account, check or change passwords on that too. Have you any savings. If you have, take them out of your account, especially if he’s access to passwords. . I’ve lifted mine and am keeping them safe. Anything he can have access to, you have to protect. Have you read up on triangulation too?
Your local WA usually have solicitors they use that are versed in DA. Check around though.i found out I’d get legal aid BUT, once my house is sold they’d claw back the amount paid to get my divorce. Always get an amount of fees known upfront.there may be a minimum amount we’re allowed to have, I think years ago it was 2k, now any equity I have left on this house I want to protect fir my old age. I’m not prepared to give a solicitor it in order to get away from him and be left financially struggling, especially in the economic climate we in the UK are struggling with and the uncertainty of Brexit . Take care, we’re all here to help and advise each other through this. Just ask us anything, someone will have been through it or we can pour our heads together.
IWMB #21stcenturysuffragettes 💚💜💪
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