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Thank you to everyone who has sent me replies today. This is my first time on the forum and it’s been so helpful. I feel bad keep needing advice. The situation is still very new and fresh to me.
I’m having a bit of a problem turning my thoughts away from him. I know I need to focus on myself but I’m trying to make sense of what’s happened and wish I could know what he was thinking.
My (ex?) boyfriend’s friend has been staying with him and she launched into a verbal attack on me, accusing me of never having been pregnant and basically ended the relationship on his behalf. My last communication with him was fine, we’d argued but we parted fine and his last message to me was loving. She blocked me (not too upset about that) and either she blocked my boyfriend from me or he was with her all along and he blocked me. In truth he could have unblocked me if he wanted and he hasn’t.
My problem is that she’s told him that I lied about being pregnant and it hurt me so much (as I’ve actually recently suffered a miscarriage) that I left it deliberately ambiguous. So they both either think I lied or think that I’m still pregnant and can potentially expect a call in the future. I had stupidly led him to believe that I did the thing he wanted which was to have an abortion and since his communication had ceased since she came into the country, I told him that I did not do it and not to contact me when the baby would be due. I feel so terribly guilty about this. I don’t forgive myself. I’ve been absolutely pushed to the edge and the pressure I’ve been under is extreme, but I still don’t excuse myself. I’ve actually just wanted to tell him the truth and have been trying but I was always scared of how he’d react. I didn’t want to choose between him and the baby and now it’s ended with me miscarrying and I have neither him nor the baby. I feel so stupid and angry at myself as well as devastated at the loss of the baby.
The thing that I’m torturing myself with is what he must be thinking. Does he think I lied? Does he feel bad about the way he treated me? Something else? I just can’t make sense of anything that’s happened and it’s all I think about. He just ghosted me and feels like one more kick when I’m already on the floor.
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some of the other ladies might be able to advise but i wonder and it sound like he is a commitment phob. abusive men dont feel bad which is hard to comprehend until youve read more about it all. but they think about their own needs. my ex tried to destroy me my understanding is for them its about winning xx love diymum
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Thanks for your replies. This is what I’m afraid of. I do worry that when I file my formal complaint he will be apoplectic with rage and will really try to make me look like the crazy one. He’s not going to want to go down lightly of that I’m certain. I’m really afraid of that. Is there a way to flag up and anticipate it when I write my complaint so that those reviewing don’t think it’s me. He’s very clever and I know he’ll use things that he’s done where I’ve retaliated or where I’ve been backed into a corner and felt desperate and just said stuff that will reflect poorly on me?
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I am going through a similar situation in that he said he would destroy me and bring me down. He laughed it off after but I don’t see the funny side of saying things like that. I have gone to the police and it has been over a month now of waiting. I actually didn’t want him investigated because, like you said, he is a very clever man and he will slander me and has said there are things he could use against me. I still love him but I have mixed emotions almost all the time now. I want him punished, I still love him, I want justice but then I still miss him and when I’m with him he is not always that abusive man although more often than not now he is that abusive man because that’s who he is. The police gave me an incident card and I had only gone to ask their advice and didn’t want to make a statement. I regretted it immediately as it was done in private and he will deny it and then into the bargain he then knows I’ve gone to the police. I do agree with a lot of the ladies on here that you must go no contact and I was getting there with this until he got in touch at my work and I was dragged back in again. Tonight I feel absolutely drained as he has got back into my head again. Yes it is horrible having no contact when you still love them and we had a great relationship at the start but that relationship seems to have gone and emotionally now I am being pulled under by him bit by bit every time I go back and give him the time of day but he has threatened to come to the house etc if I end it. I said we needed a break and he said where does that leave me and then I got all the threats. The thing now is that everything is in his terms and he is not for budging.
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I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s frightening how they do this. We have to be so strong when we least feel like it. I hope you can go no contact. It is hard, and, like you also say, I do love him and wonder how I’ll get over it or feel at peace with myself over the lack of closure and the complaint. It’s a nasty business and one has to wonder whether it is worth fighting either for yourself and your own need for acknowledgement and to protect other people.
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Beauty, does it really matter if he denies everything and tries to make you look crazy? You reported him: he knows you’ve seen through his games and recognised him as a nasty piece of work, not a tortured soul!
That is the only closure you’re likely to get: abusers just don’t work like other folk. There is no reasoning or explanation.
If you could look into his head and see him thinking, it would be like taking the lid of the compost bin – squirming things in rotting rubbish. Only not ultimately healthy or useful like compost.
You really, really do not need to know what he is thinking. It’s just as well, because he will never tell you.
Flower x
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i agree with FC but (and were all different) i would write to them in the first paragraph explaining that he has used coersive controlling behaviour through out your relationship and make it clear (before he does) that he WILL deny this, he may smear your name for example he may say that the baby isnt his youve slep around – what im trying to say is they use embarassment to keep you from telling the truth. id say expose him in a factual way. many people have written about this (professors.psychologists) the name what they do so they use again triangulation – black mail – shame. id call him out – remember abuse thrives on secrecy – i do believe the right thing to do is be truthful present the facts and the known dynamics and patterns of their behavior – take his mask off for everyone to see and he will shrink like the bad witch of the north – he will stop i would think especially if you report this to the police let the uni know the police are/will bee invplved – the only way forward s to come down hard on him xxxx love diymum
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Oh my goodness. I didn’t even think about that! I mean I knew he would probably twist things to make it look like me but that would be awful. It just frightens me so much. I don’t have a clue whether he would put in a complaint about me. The good thing is that I had to submit an extension request to the same people who deal with the requests so they will know about the miscarriage. Luckily I went to my doctor’s to get a proof of pregnancy test too as usually they don’t test. But if he says I slept around that would be just awful. I don’t want to have to submit all of my medical stuff, I already feel violated as it is. I’m trying to get this complaint in as soon as possible but I have to go to meetings etc so it’s not being a quick process. I’m so frightened of it all as I’ve already been through so much. I just don’t know that I’m going to be believed. It’s a battle every day. And to top it off I’ve been out to try and take my mind off it all but all I could think about was that I wish he could be there with me.
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