What is normal in a long-term relationship?

[Sad and alone]

I have been with my other half for over two decades. I don’t feel like I love them anymore. I don’t know how I can after everything that has happened between us. I have zero sex drive. He is not an attractive person to me and I don’t mean in physical appearance I mean in just who he is and the way he treats me.
But what is a normal long relationship like? I know you have a honeymoon period and don’t expect it to be like that forever but is there a point where you just stay together regardless of whether there’s any passion as such? I used to think these feelings were just from being together long term but now realise they are probably rooted in the abuse, including the covert type I now recognise when I look back on my life. I know what people post about on socials isn’t always true but I do feel sad when I see others still raving about their partners years on. Sad that it’s not worked that way for me when it’s all I ever wanted. And now I’m stuck in a place where I want the life we’ve built but am struggling with person I chose to build it with. How could we even try and move forward together if I feel this way?

[Wheatear]

Sorry to hear it has not worked out as you had hoped. I know how emotionally tough that is and hard on one’s self-confidence. I guess you need to ask yourself the question: Is there any chance of him changing and treating you with the respect that you deserve?
If the answer is doubtful, then you’re doing yourself a dis-service by staying with him, no matter how long it has been and how difficult it would be to leave. Hugs and best of luck to you in whatever you choose to do.

[Onlyintime]

If he did change and treated you the way you need and deserve, would you feel the same as you do ? I asked myself this question and the basic answer is..yes, I would still be unattracted to him. The thought of him being anywhere near me does nothing for me even if we have had the best day. I suppose its been over in my head for years

[Eyeswideopen]

Sorry to hear that and it sounds so much like me a couple years ago. I was also blind to that and thinking that was what long term commitment looked like, I had a responsibility towards the family regardless of how I felt.
But no, its not normal and you deserve better.
From talking to maaaaany people I realise a lot of the “pretty instagram” pics and messages arr fake, just like mine were. So many friends and fam confided being unhappy after 2 decades. I just feel sad so many dont find strength to leave, its incredibly hard but so worth it! Obviously there are the exceptions, but with all you learned from this experience, you might have a chance at something better next tkme being more aware of red flags and learning about yourself.
I’m out now and in a new relationship and feel so lucky I’m having this new opportunity in life.
But it won’t magically happen, I worked for what I knew I wanted and deserved, and fought through hell to get there.

[nbumblebee]

Yep youve described my life.
I think the more i try and see his behaviour as nasty and wrong the less i love him and myself.
You are not alone.

[tiredofitall]

I was also married for almost two decades and I kept hoping that something would change and it would all be ok. I to, did not find him attractive. Nothing to do with how he looked but how could I trust and want to be intimate with a man who treated me the way he did. He did not make me feel like he loved me. He might say the words but his actions made me feel the opposite. And you know, sometimes there were good periods but even then, the damage was already done. But the overwhelming feeling was always one of dread. What mood was he in? What could I do to minimise the risk of things kicking off? Could I keep the children quiet and out of the way? All manner of thoughts and efforts went into making my life as good as it could be. The only factor that I could not change (him) was the only thing that spoiled it for us all. I dreamed of a day that whatever made him so sad and angry about life, would be sorted and that he would see me for the loving and loyal wife that I had been for all of these years. One day I realised that he was never going to change. It didn’t matter what happened – he would always choose the path of misery and arguing. And I just didn’t want that for my future any more. I flip flopped between thinking it wasn’t abuse – we were just unhappy and thats how he expressed it or it was. In the end, I decided it didn’t really matter. What did matter was that I was unhappy. And there was nothing that I could do to change it while in that relationship. And the only person who had that power didn’t believe they were behaving in a way that was not right. So what could I do?
I’m so much happier now than I have been for such a long long time. I’m living my life on my terms and I’ll be happy to be on my own – I was always lonely in my relationship. I don’t feel like that anymore because I can be honest with my family and friends and they give me the support I need.
x

[Sad and alone]

Tiredofitall this sounds very similar to my situation. We seem to go round and round. Although I am quite sure this is a DA situation as you say if you’re not happy that’s really what matters.
What you say about being intimate with someone is exactly the same. I’ve told him this to his face as it’s been a fair while since we’ve been together like that and he’s started bringing it up saying he’s in a frigid relationship. I think he has this weird notion about having “make-up sex” and everything being okay again after an argument but it’s not a like a little tiff you can just get over and forget about. Everything registers in my head now. I tell him the things he says about me shows he doesn’t love me and he gets angry about me saying that and turns it around on me not loving him and that being the problem.
We’re in a period of “trying” again now. So relatively calm which I’ll take as a bonus as it beats being yelled at and crying.
Maybe one day things will change. I’m glad things have worked out for the best for you.

[Author]

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