What is the best option?

[Scapegoat]

I’ve posted on here before but am too much of a coward to take any action to get out of the horrendous marriage I am in. My oh of almost (detail removed by moderator) years (😞) is obsessively jealous and possessive to the point it is delusional. He has been violent in the past ( still pushes/pokes/slaps me) but more emotionally abusive by belittling/ name calling/ threatening to lose me my job (which is now a weekly thing) constantly accusing me of cheating to the point where I’m a complete wreck but I make the effort to turn up to work each day as I couldn’t bear to be stuck in the house with him.
I’ve been seeing a counsellor but stopped going as made me even more anxious being stuck in traffic and then accused of further things. Wouldn’t mind if I’d given him an excuse to accuse but I haven’t had a night out with friends on my own in (detail removed by moderator) years.
I know I need to go as I cannot fix this but I don’t know the best way. People at work have noticed how withdrawn and anxious I am and are aware of some of the things going on . They want me to go through a MARAC referral, which I really don’t want, I don’t want him to be punished just want him to leave me alone as I’m worried family will hate me for doing it; there won’t be enough evidence to find him guilty and I really don’t want him locked up.Our well-being officer at work ( in school) has spoken to WA after being on some training who think it’s a high profile risk but I don’t feel it is as I am able to get every day to work.Should I just try and rent somewhere else but then I worry I’ll end up paying all bills and mortgage on my current home ( come out of my bank) as he’s not working and have to pay for where I’m living. Plus I’m worried he’ll stalk me and terrorise me ( which he does now anyway)
I know I cannot stay now but every time I go to pack my stuff I freeze and can’t. I’m pathetic I know and ashamed I can’t get act like a grown up. To make matters worse he is now saying I’m controlling him as I talk over the top of him in an argument and shout( which I do as I am constantly accused of things I have never done). He says I’m a loon, and is going to destroy me ( has already succeeded at this in my eyes) lose me my job. Have me charged as I’ve pushed him back on occasion and scratched him defending myself
Where do I get some courage from as currently I’m a walking wreck, I don’t eat properly can’t sleep can’t focus. I feel like a prisoner in my house it doesn’t feel like a home any more.
Any advice please.

[Hetty]

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like this abuse is escalating.
Firstly, if your situation is discussed in Marac it does not mean he will be arrested and punished necessarily. It allows services to come together to discuss your safety and the risk this man poses to you. It can be the start of getting out of this relationship safely. Services are better at understanding risks escalate when we try to leave.
It’s important to take one small step at a time. Uprooting your life after all this time and while you’re exposed to his abuse is so so hard.
Please speak with your local WA. They can help you gain clarity.
You’re not pathetic and there’s nothing to feel ashamed about. It can happen to anyone. These men are master manipulators. This man has done this to you. Shame on him. Don’t listen to his lies. They honestly say the first thing that comes into their heads to maintain power and control. Imagine you’re made of Teflon and let his words slide off you.
You can do this but you need some help. Just take your time. Get important documents to a friend or family member, have a little clear out and keep a packed bag somewhere safe. I’ve started stashing documents in my work desk. Do it slowly so he won’t get suspicious.
You could also speak with your gp for some additional support xx

[fizzylem]

Yes, accessing help does not mean he will be charged, until you make an official complaint with the police there will be no action of this kind; remember, the police are there to help as well as investigate crimes. The focus here at present for you and everyone supporting you is to make this stop.

Your work colleagues sound like they genuinely care and are concerned a great deal. I would roll with this if I were you, they dont need to get your consent here, but they are trying to help you see what is needed and the right thing to do – so you feel you are doing this together. The fact you are able to get to work is not related to the risk. Work is your place of safety isn’t it. They are concerned about you when you go home and that it is continuing and maybe that it is escalating or could do if you leave without support.

Like you say, you dont know what to do here, reaching out to others is the answer, we do this when we dont know so we can find out what it is we need – no one knows everything right? And often we dont know about stuff until we need to find out. You have information to gather, so that you can make some sound choices. You need to find out what are your options dont you, because at present it feels like none, when this is not true, there are options, you just dont know what they are.

Fear is always the over riding factor that freezes us, leaves us stuck, feeling unable to move.

You need help to this stop flower, it can be done x

[Lisa]

Hi Scapegoat,

I just wanted to reiterate what fizzylem and hetty have said; a marac meeting does not been that he will be charged with anything. It’s perfectly normal for you to be feeling how you are- it often takes women lots of attempts to leave. The good thing is that you are thinking about it, you’re recognising his behaviour is abusive and you’re reaching out for help.

It might be worth seeking some legal advice around your mortgage and what your options could be. Your local domestic abuse service might have legal advice, or if not may be able to help you access some.

Remember you can always chat to a Women’s Aid worker online too if you need to talk anything through.

Best wishes,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Anonymous]

I read your post and see myself in all of this! I’ve been in a miserable marriage for years. Always being accused of the most ridiculous things, checking my location, my social media, messages. I literally couldn’t breathe! Over the last couple of months my anxiety has built up, ive not slept for years and even questioned is it me that’s the problem! I even thought about killing myself before Christmas as I thought that was the only way to make him happy and free me from being controlled.
All I’ll say is don’t look at finances or if you have children even thing about them. Kids are very resilient and adapt to change quickly. Once you start doing this you will never escape this nightmare! You’ve got to be selfish and think of yourself. Once your mental health is affected that’s when you need to get the hell out! That’s what I finally did a few weeks ago. I will be honest it will be scary, and you will doubt yourself a million times over, but just remember this isn’t your fault, you have done nothing wrong and it’s all him.
Stay strong! Xx

[Scapegoat]

Thank you all for your replies. When it comes to acting upon it I just freeze like a rabbit in headlights and don’t have the guts to follow it through. I don’t want him punished as will just make him angrier and he sees as everything as my fault anyway. Cannot make him see anything reasonably. Have come home to same c**p tonight, told me I’m cheating. Questioning everything I say. Says I’ve robbed him by working part time when kids were younger and I owe him and he is going to take me down. Been told to pack my bags and go but I have nowhere to go and the minute I go to pack he comes in starts goading me and I lose the plot or break down.
It’s his birthday(detail removed by moderator) really wanted to keep the peace so I’m not accused of ruining it. (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t pay him enough attention and I’ve made him feel like c**p so I deserve what I get

[Author]

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