What is this man doing?

[queenmaeve]

This sounds so silly but I got talking to a man on messenger x amount of years ago. We became great friends but we have grown very fond of each other. He is intelligent, charming and very funny, but every few weeks he turns nasty with me. I feel so confused and it’s not like me to be this way. I don’t know what I am doing talking to him but feel very mentally connected to him and have been in an abusive relationship in the past. Do I drop him or try and give him space? I am too old for this! I am feeling afraid and confused.

[Anonymous]

I really would drop him. He’s already showing you red flags and worrying behaviour. Have you done the access course? It can help you to see the red flags for what they are.

[Eggshells]

Hi queenmaeve. What is your instinct telling you?

[queenmaeve]

My instinct is telling me that he is messing with my head! I have never met him but know that he is unwell so I keep on talking to him. I am not a doctor and am really growing tired of his behaviour towards me. I think that because I have been abused by a man in my past that my intuition is starting to wake up.

[Eggshells]

Then I think maybe you have your answer. xx

[queenmaeve]

Thank you x

[queenmaeve]

He came back, swore his undying love for me over and over, then has disappeared again. This is making me ill with stress. Why is he doing this?

[diymum@1]

This is called the push and pull effect it’s emotional abuse it’s part of the very beginning of trauma bonding xx be careful

[queenmaeve]

Thanks, diymum@1. All I know is I feel sick in my stomach and can’t seem to get away from him. What does it all mean?

[diymum@1]

if you google the manipulation technique push and pull it’s abit like how Grooming works xx 😘 there are descent men out there are you ok xx

[diymum@1]

Always go with your gut Instinct xx 😘

[queenmaeve]

Thank you x

[Wants To Help]

Ask yourself what you are really getting out of this? You have never met him in person, you seem to be a support system for him? Agony aunt?

You say you feel mentally connected, but is this all based on what you have read or heard, so if you’ve never met, then he could really be anything? You ask if you should give him more time? More time for what? You’ve already been messaging for some years.

His disappearing on you for a while, is apparently called ‘Casper Ghosting’ lol. This new fangled technology that didn’t exist in our youth has all sorts of names! Casper is a friendly ghost, so your friend disappears for a while and then reappears with a somewhat plausible explanation for his absence. Full on ‘Ghosting’ is basically they’ve lost total interest. ‘Caspering’ keeps us hanging on.

If it’s making you feel sick, you take the lead and make the decision here. This is a cyber relationship, however, it’s still perhaps given you some hopes and expectations, so it can still hurt to be duped when you find out someone isn’t what they seemed to be.

[queenmaeve]

Thanks wants to help. I know you are right but it’s like some sort of drug that I have to break free from. I hear sob story after sob story from him and it’s just not adding up anymore. When he has gone I feel lost at first but soon get over him, then he comes back with the same old charm and I need to get rid of him I know you are right but it’s just so hard. I am probably never going to ever meet him so need to stop this and just get on with my life. Thank you x

[Wants To Help]

You’re welcome. This next advice may seem a little drastic, but it could help you and it would mean totally going cold turkey. If your contact is only via messenger you could block him. If he has your phone number then you could also block that, but then he could still call you from another number… The beauty of messenger is that you don’t need someone’s phone number to connect – so once blocked, he’s gone for good!!

[queenmaeve]

Thanks WTH x

[Camel]

Hi Queenmaeve

I find your dilemma really interesting as I think it says more about you than him. I’m not judging you when I ask you why you feel connected to a man you have never met and who contributes nothing positive to your life.

You say this has been going on for years. Have you asked yourself why? Do you secretly think you have a real relationship? Did you once hope that it would develop into something tangible? Did he set the rules for your online relationship and you’ve gone along with them because it’s better than nothing?

It sounds like he’s a master storyteller. Good enough to make you believe he’s ‘intelligent, charming and funny’ when the behaviour you describe is anything but. This same man makes you afraid and ill with stress. You mention endless sob stories that don’t add up and online abuse. You say you’re not his doctor which makes me think he’s leaning on you as his counsellor. Despite this you say you have become great friends and fond of each other.

The internet can be a great place for connecting with people, this forum for example. But online relationships will never be real. That rush of emotion you get when he messages you shouldn’t be confused with real life contact. It’s easy to get drawn into thinking that an online friendship is something more than it is. But while you’re wondering what he’s up to and fretting about his latest issue, he’s probably getting on with his real life.

We can be anyone we like online. There are plenty of men who pose as lonely singles and trawl dating sites for sex. Equally there will be pariahs who latch on to online friendships for no other reason than to fill a bit of spare time. I know you will feel I’m being cruel and I’m sorry for that. But ask yourself what brought the two of you together and what it is that keeps you hooked. Are you lonely or flattered? Do you feel responsible for him?

You could say this man is abusing you. Or you could say you’re abusing yourself. It takes just a click of a button to delete him from your life. You’ve not met in real-space. Just as he tells you stuff that doesn’t add up, so you could spin him a yarn. Take control. (detail removed by Moderator) Better still, tell him goodbye and block him. He had his uses for a time – perhaps a confidante, someone who made you feel good about yourself, hopeful for the future. But face it, it’s been a long time since you’ve got anything out of this one-way relationship.

[Author]

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