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I constantly feel as if I stand beside myself. I watch myself as an outside person. This has been going on for a long time. I experience pain at very low levels, but as if I am not in my body. Does this make sense?
I wonder whether I have dissociated and cannot find the way back.I had to dissociate when I was with the abuser. There was no other way to endure the rapes and beatings. -
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I think I can understand this. Sometimes I feel like an alien in my body. I can just drift off into my mind and try to focus on filling it with colourful, peaceful images (I like imagining lots of vivid creatures in the sea). Other times I try to ground myself and generate body awareness but it can be difficult xx
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Hi Ayanna,
I’ve had this. Apparently, it is called ‘depersonalisation.’ It’s when you get so wrapped up in your thoughts and anxieties that you become disconnected from your surroundings. It worsens when you feel panicky.
I was advised to practice mindfulness. I did this when I was out one evening recently and began to feel like that. I closed my eyes and concentrated on what I could hear, feel, smell and then opened my eyes and related what I could see, focussing on colour, all the while breathing deeply and slowly.
Engaging in activities which put you in touch with your body and give you a heightened awareness of your surroundings also helps, such as massage, aromatherapy, etc.
It’s torturous being stuck on a constant replay of anxious thoughts. It’s like our mind has been taken over by the effects of the abuse and is affecting our body. We can fight against this by enjoying physical sensations. I read that eating very hot or cold things, or sharp flavours such as sherbert, helps jog your senses. x
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Hi Ayanna, it may sound crazy but I think I spent most of my life with my mind not inside my body but upwards and to the right of it. I only discovered this when I took meditation classes and was told to focus on the air at my nostrils. I looked at them from the outside. I couldn’t get inside. It never occurred to me that everyone wasn’t the same, it was all I knew. Now I understand my childhood trauma, the position I dissociated to makes perfect sense. I can clearly remember the first time experiencing being in my body. I was surprised at sensing my height and looking out of my eyes. I’ve got used to it now and I am mostly in my body. I rarely dissociate anymore. Yoga for trauma has really helped me get to know, feel and love my body xx
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Yes, Peaceful Pig, I got to know people who were dissociated all their lives due to childhood trauma. I am so glad you found your way back.
I can appear very normal because I know how ‘normal’ people behave as I was not like that before I met the abuser. I know how to respond in conversations, which reactions are expected. My state goes unnoticed. Only I am aware of it.
My best emotion is anger. At least I have that every now and then.
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I would look in a mirror, into my eyes, put my arms around myself, give myself a hug and say ‘i love you’. I know it seems strange, but it’s an exercise I read about and it was really hard for me to do. I think it connects the mind, body and emotions. It brings up feelings though. Also, try giving yourself a hand, foot or head massage. Be ‘in touch’ with yourself. The issue will be the feelings it brings up however, which i was prepared for, but I wanted to work with that. (lots of tears.). I want to add that i think it developed self trust: I am someone I can trust. Xx
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Thank you for your suggestions! They sound great!
I remember I have dissociated sometimes as a child too, but that never lasted long. This state of my existence has been unchanged for some years now. I am often really numb and then nothing can get to me. But when I am a bit clearer I stand beside myself. How odd.
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