What moment made you go

[Rainbowcloud]

When did you decide to leave and get it finally what made your mind up ? At the moment the abuse has stopped I had three weeks of daily abuse now nothing for (detail removed by moderator) but I know t won’t last I’ve lost my friends my social life and myself.
I feel like the love has died I never thought that would happen ever I really loved him so much. He’s being nice now but I still don’t love him like I used too. The depression is so bad now he is being nice but I’m still very depressed he is so nasty to me a lot it can’t just erase how do they think that? I’m finding sex hard to do he’s very good looking but I feel like the attraction has gone as well recently the last few weeks it’s like a switch has gone off in my brain and I can’t feel how I did anymore

[KOTB]

Hi Rainbowcloud, I ended the relationship after attending the first session of a DV awareness programme. I cried all the way home because it was just a lightening bolt moment when I understood what was happening. I had managed to get him out of my house and put some distance between us but he was still abusing me. I had endured sexual & physical abuse but I wasn’t strong enough until that moment. I knew I was being abused but didn’t have the strength until sharing experiences with other survivors. It is a journey and it is hard. Everyday is a struggle, coming to terms with stuff, navigating support at the same time as healing but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep reading/posting on here. I’ll admit I am still more of a reader than a poster but it is so therapeutic.
KOTB

[Iwantmeback]

My marriage truly ended after he threatened to seriously harm my son and refused to go somewhere that was very important to me and my family. I’m nearly out, got the keys to a wee flat recently. Not long to go💜
IWMB 💞💞

[Fudgecake]

For me, I had been depressed for a long time until eventually I was sleeping a lot and lost interest in doing anything. We’d go through the cycle of nice/nasty then nice again and I’d think he wasn’t so bad. But the last six months while I was still with him things started to deteriorate more and the nice phase became less. He was moody, made nasty comments and got more controlling.
The last month was the worst when the humiliation ramped up. It got so that I couldn’t bear him to touch me and once I literally froze when he did. The last straw happened with one final humiliating act and I know if I had stayed any longer things would have got worse and maybe he might have even hit me. My act of leaving was fast when I decided to go but I’d tried to end things like a normal relationship numerous times, he just wouldn’t accept that.

[Rainbowcloud]

Thankyou for your posts , I used to feel so happy when he was back being nice to me and doing things for me but I don’t now because I feel like it’s a lie.
I think this turning point happened after we went away (detail removed by moderator) and he made it hell he verbally abused me for two hours straight in a hotel room I was crying so much I had to go and sit in the bar by myself to get away from him.
He carried it on the whole time we were away it was so miserable he actually seems to enjoy it at the time.
I feel like I did nothing wrong to deserve the treatment I got.
The other day he accused me of stealing money off him saying it was missing he didn’t say it was me but he did in so many words I’ve never stole in my life off anyone it’s those things no trust at all.
I think you get to a point where even when their nice and giving you the earth it can’t erase the nasty anymore. I want my life back now it’s been X years off this I want to be alone. He won’t just go I will have to wait now for another episode to try and get him to leave but he’s being on his best behaviour since I asked him to leave a few weeks ago.

[NeedANewMe]

I had episodes like this where he would verbally and emotionally abuse me for hours I would lock myself in the bathroom if we were in the hotel. Other times id be breaking down in tears in the street trying to hold it back. He would have an argument with me which of cause I caused and then he’d tell me to drop it I’d go silent as I was walking on egg shells and then he’d have a go at me for being quiet he would be the one that would continue to drag the argument out all night and all weekend even though his the one who suggested to drop it. He still brings up the incident from Christmas!!

I keep saying to myself I will wait for the next episode and when he says im off ill leave him to it but when that day comes I always find myself begging him to stay not to leave because I think what about getting my house back.. he doesn’t really threaten to leave as much now but just wants me to pay him out quick but now the time is approaching which I am not sure whether he knows about even though I said I cant pay you out till middle of *** and also told him 5 weeks ago he will be coming off the mortgage he is now demanding more of a payout because I aint short of it and breaking what he had agreed since Christmas.

[iamme]

Hi Rainbowcloud,

For me it was when my father died. Everyone was dealing with their own grief and problems. I thought I could depend on my husband to at least be there for me through my grief but (detail removed by moderator) . I flipped on him that night and told him to stop talking. I didn’t swear or anything. I had three kids to look after which he couldn’t be bothered to watch. I had no time to grieve or process anything. He then went running to my mum and my brothers saying I had gone crazy and they took his side. He expected an apology. I never gave one. I pointed out all my family had friends and relatives that had come to comfort them but I couldn’t even rely on my husband. To that he said friends are nothing, he was the one thing that was important. From what I said all he got was I wanted friends. I thought omg, it’s all about him. Even my grief is not more important than anyone elses. It was less. I was less important than everyone else unless it was of benefit to him.

I now wish I had left sooner but maybe it was the right time at the time I left. My children don’t have an idealised picture of their father which makes things a lot easier.

To all you ladies that are trapped, that moment of realisation is your soul telling you, you’re worth more than this; there is something better than this no matter how hard it seems x

[Iwantmeback]

Iamme, this is the ‘thing’ that has ended my marriage. He refused to come, so I totally understand why it was your moment to go. All i could think of was him, worrying if i was staying too long at the hospital, then he started on at me to be with my family ‘as they were obviously more important than him’. So while what family we have were all together, reminiscing i was in my house with him, making excuses why i wasn’t there in order for him to feel more important. Even on the day of the funeral, driving to the service all i could think of was him.
I agree once that moment is recognised, that is your soul crying out to put you first.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[she-ra]

Having endured years and years of every type of abuse and asking him to leave for a few years the moment came very recently. I came home in the evening after a long day at work/ferrying the kids to activities etc. I whizzed in the front door to switch the oven on to heat the dinner I had made in the morning before work and rushed up the stairs desperate for the toilet, and he was waiting. It was like he had been waiting all day for me. I literally went to the loo and he went for me about the dinner not being good enough. He attacked me, smashed the house up: photos, tvs, playstations, computers the lot. I just knew that that was it, I couldn’t do it anymore and more importantly the kids couldn’t see it anymore. He targeted all of mine and the childrens stuff, none of his precious stuff got smashed, only ours. He tried too make out he was mad and had just lost it, but he was in control the whole time. I packed a bag, he saw me and told me not to bother and he went. That was it. I wished I’d been braver sooner. xxxx

[diymum@1]

i have moments that stand out in my realisation of how he really was – i was looking after a really old lady and she met him when i saw her the next day she said you know he looks like a very spoiled man – i should have listened to such a wise old lady. i was in hospital too with my daughter we didnt know if she was going to make it all he could think about was that he couldnt smoke! all about them xx im the same i wish i hadnt been so strictly tied to him it is definitely down to grooming and conditioning you do anything to stop theyre awful tyranny on you just to keep those horrible feeling of panic and terror because you cant handle it any more. i left for good once my body, mind and soul were finally destroyed i had no choice i felt like it was life or death for me xx love diymum

[Rainbowcloud]

Iamme are we with the same person ? My dad died horrifically it wasn’t a nice death. The day it happened I went in total shock as it was very sudden I got home and I remember having to cook he kids tea while he lay on the sofa I felt like I couldn’t cry.
He even went to stay at his moms at the time when I really needed him at that time in my life and he wasn’t there. (Detail removed by moderator). Then on the day of the funeral I was at the wake and he had gone to work he rang me and started talking about Work and I said I’m at my dads funeral and he went oh yeah sorry I forgot speak to you later ! He forgot I was gobsmacked then when his grandad died he wanted the world to stop for him nothing I did was right it was totally shocking behaviour from anyone. You just brought it all back why I didn’t leave him then I shall never know to this day.

[Rainbowcloud]

She-ra that is very awful he never hits me but I think he has to really really try hard not to. His abuse is very mental based and stops and starts he has thrown things at me before he threw rubbish out the rubbish bag over me before but never hits. I feel so terrible for women that are hit aswell on top of it all and their stuff smashed up he doesn’t do that either he’s clever how he does it.
DIY mum most people meet my other half and say he’s so wonderful etc and he’s handsome and charming so very hard for others to see but some have said he’s false before that he put on an act but mostly he wins people over which is very difficult especially if he’s just verbally abused me in the car then we meet up with people as he just puts on an act and I can’t do that I’m still half crying his trick is to get me in the car when the kids aren’t there if we have to go somewhere and he will do it there a lot where I can’t escped he will do it on the motorway and I get so scared he goes into a full on rage screaming so loudly.
I feel like he’s never on my side he’s always against me I’m having problems at work and I think he enjoys it even my boss bullies me life is so hard right now 🙁

[NeedANewMe]

Hi Rainbowcloud,

I can relate to this 100%.. you think you’ve made your mind up and its as if they know as the nice side comes out and you think sh** how do I get out now. The amount of times this has happened over recent months with the mortgage date approaching to allow me to take him off. I always call my aunt and tell her this will be hard now his being nice she always says its another of playing at you and controlling you, but it wont last. You know something she is right it last for a some period of time you get to your old bubbly self come out your shell and bang his reacted! then again you feel right im out of this then the nice side reappears it is just some vicious circle. I am trying to tell myself HE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE. I loved him so much I honestly thought when I first met him he was the one until the little things started coming out which I didn’t believe at first and was making up excuses for him. I am still like that in some ways but keep drilling into yourself he will never ever change.

Sex has also become hard for me as there is no connection or attraction there, how I can have sex with someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you one minute and the next is saying I love you, your my world I cant live without you. He is also very very attractive which makes it harder to leave but the attraction is disappearing due to his nasty side. I think I am scared to be alone and be independent again where as at the moment we do things every weekend and I have no social life even my family time is suffering as they don’t like what they see so wont talk to me as they find it hard to understand why I cant just walk.

Just remember it is a cycle, they go between playing 3 roles, prepotrator, victim and rescuer. There is also the cycle of abuse which is interesting to look at (detail removed by moderator)

He knows what he is doing he knows your changing and loosing feelings for him so his trying to up the anty. I still keep trying to tell myself this as my deadline day is approaching and I have no idea how to deal with it xx

[diymum@1]

hi there its not easy but think of him as one person the nasty one all the other ones are just his mask to keep you there – its the false him. its really confusing because were bonded to them emotionally apparently this is due to the amount of time spent together, the face to face contact and interactions and the aggressive behaviour peppered with the good. it is the trauma bonds that seem to be so strong xx

[Author]

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