What our children may pick up without us realising

[Bananaboat]

Speaking with a relative recently she was telling me about a time my eldest visited and her partner was in a bad mood. She described how she and my eldest had stayed out of his way to avoid being shouted at and gone to another part of the house to natter. My relative basically described walking on eggshells when he’s like this, trying to do her own thing, everything she does being criticised and having her confidence destroyed, then never getting a break. I’ve always thought of her as strong because she’s always done everything- all chores, all gardening, all diy etc, but this recent story really triggered me and I realised two things 1) my relative might have been a victim all this time and 2) that I grew up around this and could be part of why I tolerated more than I should’ve done with my partners.

In turn, it made me think about all of us on here who genuinely believe we are doing all we can to protect our kids, or that they don’t see/feel the abuse because we’re shielding them. I’d say I had a happy childhood but unconsciously grew up accepting this behaviour as ‘normal’ and carried it into my own relationships. That’s not to guilt us all as mums, jeez I’d never do that as our lives are tough enough but I thought I’d share this moment as it really made me think.x*x

[Mellow]

This has been on my mind as of lately too along with a relationship I had with my parent I feel I fell for him partly because he reminded me of a parent .and as for the kids I remember being a little girl whirnessing it all I did not realise my life was in soo much turmoil.I have a small baby that was planned I can’t believe I’m living this nightmare my only dream was having a bond and family where some people focus solely on their career to get my independence back I’m trying to work on me again but it’s so hard as the narc gets worse with every conversation I’m struggling to ignore and trying to please I’m wondering if I should just fake it.I know my kids are seeing and hearing but I can’t get out I’ve looked for houses in my area but there are none I could leave but after first month rent I can’t afford the council take too long.

[Lisa]

Hi Mellow,

Please know that if you need to leave your property to be safe from domestic abuse, you can get in touch with your local domestic abuse service and ask a worker to advocate to housing on your behalf, to help make you and your children priority need to be rehoused in the area.

You may also want to look at the option of going into a refuge. A refuge is a safe house which offers temporary accommodation for women and their children. There are refuges throughout the UK which provide a place of safety for any woman who needs to escape abuse, married or single, with or without children. There is a full breakdown of refuge accommodation along with frequently asked questions here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/what-is-a-refuge-and-how-can-i-stay-in-one/

To find a refuge space you can either contact Women’s Aid via the live chat and a worker can search for vacancies for you, or you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 24 7. Social services, the police or housing department will also be able to help you find a refuge. Also, your local domestic abuse service will often have access to information about refuge spaces throughout the UK.

I hope this is helpful.

Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

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