What should I do? Is it as bad as calling it abuse ?

[Anonymous]

I am over 50 and have been married over 30 years . My husband has always had anger issues but these were few and far between but very bad involving him striking our children , quite forcefully, I used to freeze in terror and didn’t do anything , and then it wouldn’t be spoken about afterwards. This happened about (detail removed by moderator) times .
Our sex life has always been him wanting it all the time and me not wanting that side of it at all but going along with it for an easier life .
When we went on one holiday I felt he wouldn’t leave me alone and when I came gone I wrote a note , said I didn’t love him any more and drove off , then immediately regretted it and came back . He was very upset .
Since my dad died suddenly (detail removed by moderator) years ago I couldn’t do anything physical , my husband became needy and even more insistent .
His behaviour included , shoving me out of bed with his foot , taking the duvet off me and throwing it down the stairs , shouting and swearing in my face , throwing my phone around the room trying to break it , getting hold of me by my dressing gown and dragging me off the bed and pressing me up against door frame .
This is because I don’t want him to touch me sexually , and he gets really emotional and angry .
This isn’t all the time .
What Should I do?

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

This is abuse, absolutely it is, why do you think it isn’t?

I can tell you what I think you should do, I’m sure many of us can, but what you do has to be your choice. However, we can guide you and support you in the process.

Many of us have had an increase in abuse after a bereavement of a close relative. These abusive men do not like the fact that someone else is occupying our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, and that our attention is not on them. Everything has to be about them, and if we are not giving them our devotion and attention then they get even more angry with us, which leads to an increase in the abuse. Abusers have very little compassion or empathy for others, so they are unable to process our needs or give us any meaningful comfort and support during bereavement.

Throwing you out of bed by pushing you with his foot, dragging you by your dressing gown and shoving you up against the door is actually assault. The other things you mention come under the Controlling and Coercive Behaviour element; inducing exhaustion (not letting you sleep and taking the duvet away), threats and intimidation (shouting in your face and throwing your phone around.)

Your age is not a barrier to stop you leaving, you are not too old to leave. You are not too old to start a new life, but I get that spending that amount of years with someone is likely to be very hard to let go of and contemplate a new life alone because of what you are used to and conditioned to.

You are in a relationship of domestic abuse. Forget those old posters of the woman with the black eye and the split lip, they were the posters from the 80’s and 90’s. Today’s posters could look like any super model or pop star – domestic abuse sometimes never leaves a visible clue to others that it’s happening.

Would you like to get out of this relationship but you really don’t know where to start?

[Pollydog11]

Dear waterfoot

I am almost (detail removed by moderator) and have just walked out of a (detail removed by moderator) year old marriage. I picked up my phone my lap top and a swimming costume, I am at a hotel miles away from where I was living. I have told no one. I have been acting out a lie for years and feel ashamed as to how I fooled people into seeing what I wanted them to see. I am very scared and a big part of me wants to go back. I have been living on egg shells – he will not see what he was doing was abuse. The shouting, the name calling, the blaim and the pushing me around. No support from my grown up daughter – She lived through it and now she is so angry I did not protect her – and now she has turned out just like him. A shouter and just no empathy

It is all so sad and I hate to see it in print.

Good luck to you. Xx

[KIP.]

Leave. Contact women’s aid and get a safe exit plan in place but don’t tell him. These men are most dangerous when they lose control. I’d also keep a journal and talk to the police. Sort out counselling for you and your children too. You need to build a support network round you. Google trauma bonding and read Living with the Dominator. Abuse always gets worse. Be guided by women’s aid x

[Anonymous]

Thank you to both people who have replied to my post . I really don’t know what to do as he is a good person really and loves me . But I couldn’t say to his face that he is abusing me as he would be very angry . How do I leave when he’d be so hurt and angry I couldn’t have a reasonable conversation about it ?

[Anonymous]

Sorry that should’ve said , how do I leave and then what do I say to him afterwards , it all seems so scary to contemplate .

[Wants To Help]

The conversation of leaving is not one that you can have with an abuser. Leaving an abuser is secretly planned and carried out and you only tell them after you have left.

You are still thinking in the wrong mindset too. You are valuing his feelings and thoughts before your own. What about how upset and hurt you are by his behaviour?

Until you start to put yourself before him then you are going to ‘stuck’ in this life for ever more.

[maddog]

Waterfoot, you are not alone. There are no sensible conversations with an abuser. Please contact your local Women’s Aid or speak to the Domestic Abuse team on 101. I too supported my ex for decades.

I believed he loved me. I believed he was a good person. The trouble is, people who love don’t rape, they don’t smash things, they don’t deride you, they don’t put you down.

We believe words, not actions. That’s cognitive dissonance.

Well done for posting here. It took me a long time to accept help. Please keep reaching out and you will be supported every step of the way

[Anonymous]

Thank you , you’re right , I fantasise every day about a life on my own , just doing what I want to do , without this constant feeling of dread , pretending everything is ok .
Is it not ok to feel guilty that he feels rejected by me when I resist his advances and that makes him feel bad ? I wrestle with this thought all the time

[Eggshells]

Hi Waterfoot. Our stories are very similar. We’re about the same age, in the relationship for about the same period of time. Very similar tactics in the bedroom except mine included rape.

I confused my OH’s need to control and his dependency on me for love. He didn’t love me, he just wanted me to look after his every need.

I left recently. I won’t pretend it’s easy and I’m still not free of him for reasons I won’t go into. I am scared. At the moment I have lost almost everything, my home, my job, my financial security, most of my friends who seemed to think I was making it all up – one even lied to protect him.

But, I’m out. I’m staying with relatives atm. I just shouted “Does anyone want a lovely cup of tea” and I didn’t get into trouble for it. In the old days, I had to creep from room to room to ask everybody, in a civilised way; I wasn’t allowed to shout “like a fishwife”! If I made a cuppa for myself without asking if he wanted one, all hell broke loose.

If you want to leave, you can and all being well, you’ll still have an entire lifetime ahead of you.

To put it plainly, they found a lump in my breast shortly after I left and I was just so relieved that I wouldn’t have to die with him by my side.

I’m fine. It wasn’t cancer and I’m planning to live a long, single, happy life, even if I am poor.

[Anonymous]

Thank you eggshells for your reply , you are such a strong woman, I am so glad you are healthy.
I really need to look at his behaviour in a different way .
Do you mind me asking , have you got children , I can’t bring myself to tell them about their dad . I don’t want to upset them .

[Anonymous]

As in tell them about what he’s been doing to me , of course they know about his anger against them .

[Wants To Help]

Waterfoot, I don’t believe you need to tell your children what he has done to you, in my opinion, that is too much information and stuff they may struggle to deal with. The fact that they know he is angry and that he shouts a lot at you all is enough for you to explain that you don’t have to live with that behaviour. My son is a young man now and there is stuff I wouldn’t tell him about his dad, even though he now knows what his dad is like and has seen him abuse his other wives. Some stuff is just too damaging for children to have to learn about their dad. My son worried for a while that he may turn out like his dad, so thank God he doesn’t know the full things his dad did, I’d never want him to worry he may be like that too.

[Eggshells]

Hi Waterfoot, I’ll pm you.

[Anonymous]

Eggshells , Thanks , where do I find your pm please ?

[Tickleribber]

Hi, I just wanted to say, lots of your story is similar to mine although the abuse I get is more verbal / derogatory these days.
My grown up children aren’t acknowledging their father isn’t a nice person, in fact yesterday when I mentioned to my son I thought his father was behaving unfairly, he told me to shut up or he wouldn’t bother coming to see me. I do get it a bit as they work together, my husband contributes a lot to their business and passes a lot of knowledge on. It’s important my son earns good money for his young family.
My daughter won’t actually speak to me as the last time he was physically violent a handful of years back, he turned it round and somehow blamed me for it, so now he sees her and I don’t.
So I’d advise not discussing their father’s behaviour with your children, as it could create more problems you don’t need.
I can remember my half sister pointing out my mother’s less pleasant (borderline personality disorder) traits, and though I knew it was true it made me feel very uneasy and I didn’t want it in my head.
Just my opinion.

[Weepingwillow]

Waterfoot I am in the same position as you .
I want to leave then he has a nice day and I feel sorry for him
Some days I am shocked at the cruel things he says , but I don’t cry any more , not since taking anti depressants…. then he has a ‘nice’ day and tells me how life makes Him stressed

Just hope One day to be free xx

[Eggshells]

@Weepingwillow, I hope that you will be free one day too, when your ready for it, you will be. xx

[Weepingwillow]

Thank you Eggshells. I wish I was strong . I just hate myself that I’ve put myself and my kids in this position just trying to please him and finally realising I never will 😢 xx

[Soulsearcher18]

Waterfoot, I am sorry to hear of your experiences.
I am glad that you have reached out on here and hope that you can continue to do so whilst you figure out your next steps and beyond.
I would encourage you to make contact with Women’s Aid, you can email them, or use the webchat on weekdays if you think it would be easier to write it down initially. They also have a telephone number. The link for that info is below.

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

If you want to find local domestic abuse support, you can use the directory on Womens Aid- I have put the link below.

Domestic Abuse Directory

Women’s Aid support is so kind and supportive. They will speak with you honestly but gently. They will help you to understand your experiences and discuss your options with you.

As well as this, I would also consider speaking to a GP if you feel comfortable to and book in for regular appointments as you are going through this process so that they can check in with you and so that you have someone to speak with regularly. Again, if you feel that you will struggle to speak of what is happening, it may help to write it down and show it to them (just please take care to ensure that he doesn’t see it).

Take care and I will keep checking in to see how you are getting on.

Soulsearcher

[Eggshells]

@Weepingwillow I know how you feel. It’s very easy to blame yourself and this self critical side of yourself will make you very attractive to abusers. But you haven’t put yourself and your kids in this position, he has put you and your kids in this position!

[iliketea]

Hi, lots of supportive comments here. Would it help to do some reading, or listening on audible? There are some great books on the book list. Lundy Bancrofts “Why Does he Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men” is a great first step. It will give you typologies, and you will probably see that he fits into a couple of them. Also, there is a thread here called This is My Abuser, its quite long but might help you to see that yes, it is abuse. Its very overwhelming to begin with, personally I have been on a very long journey to understand it, nearly 2 years and really its only the last week or so where its all just slotted into place in terms of realisation. You might need some time to understand this, him and you. Its a dynamic but one you can never change. The reasons for it are deep, the reasons you have experienced are probably because you are kind, thoughtful, an empath, self-reflective, and resilient, these are usually the character traits of us women in these situations.

I have also just read a book called Covert Passive-Aggressive N********* by Debbie Mirz – Chapter 11 on S*x (we’re not allowed to use the n word on the forum as it is gives a label to them which could mean its a pathology and so not in control of their actions – but they are very much are in control which is why you are the only one who experiences his behaviour – you are not crazy!). I promise this chapter will explain to you how you feel how you do about sleeping with him, and why he treats you in the way he does in the bedroom. It is amazing and eye opening and I urge you to listen/read it asap!! It will really help you. And yes it is as bad as calling it abuse. And you are amazingly strong to have lived with it for 30 years but if you dream of a life away from it, I would take that dream by both hands and run with it, especially if children are grown up. Im no spring chicken but have young children and I am about to run despite this and because of this, fast, and I’m not going to look back. Life is too short. xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much to Everyone who has replied with such helpful information.
Tonight I tried to explain I’m feeling low and anxious and worrying about my mum. But then it came to him wanting a sexual encounter and he could sense I didn’t want to so he said (detail removed by moderator) and brought it all back to what he wanted and what I wasn’t giving him.
I was trying to see if he would be more supportive.
I just swing from thinking he’s ok , and that he must be frustrated I can’t give him sex to thinking I just want to be on my own .
So so confused .

[Camel]

Hi Waterfoot

I replied to you on another thread (so I won’t repeat myself about the sex.) I hope you know that you can post when you want to and that nobody will push you to action you’re not ready for. You’ve been with this person for a long time so there’s no rush, so long as you’re physically safe. Every woman posting on this forum has started out where you are, doubting and self-blaming. Some have escaped and moved on. Others feel unable to get away just now. Everyone’s experience is different yet exactly the same. Even if you don’t post comments, please read our posts. x

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone who has replied . I am STILL struggling to get in mind set of that I am partly / wholly to blame . If I could just connect to him better sexually , it would be better .
Usual bad atmosphere around me not wanting to do anything intimate , he seems to have a tally where he says “(detail removed by Moderator) “ then it’s always “(detail removed by Moderator)“ .
Then during the Marriage counselling on zoom I was crying out for her to ask more about his bad behaviour when he grabbed me and pulled me from the room – but he just skirted over it and claimed he reverted to an emotional reaction because I had rejected and I was “behaving “ like I had (detail removed by Moderator) months ago.
I’m stuck I go over in my mind telling him we should separate as neither of us is making the other happy . But this would have to be done In an open public place or on the phone . I just am too scared and of the fallout with the family .
WA – unfortunately they never answer

[Camel]

Are you still having marriage counselling?? I don’t think anyone on here has had anything good come from couples counselling. If you can, end it. As he’s already demonstrated, it’s just another tool in the abuser’s arsenal. And besides, you can’t fix an abusive relationship as the abuser doesn’t believe he (or it) is broken x

[PaleBlueStar]

I just wanted to say that whilst I don’t have to suffer the sex part anymore, I did used to force myself thinking it would make by husband better tempered. And it did for a bit before his anger (often at our son) Undid it all. I had to initiate it to prove to him that I loved him. Rarely the other way around. Now he sleeps separately.

Also the Big M changed things for me. Much less desire.

My husband has terrible anger management issues. We’ve done counselling so many times. When I’ve been through serious illness or lost people it makes him angrier. I can’t talk to him about me and my needs as he says I’m selfish and always talk about myself. But that sort of behaviour does not make me feel in anyway sexual or wanting to be intimate. I don’t want to let him use me like a toilet for his own relief.

I only share my story as some of what you say resonates. My husband is charming and can be lovely and on a good day I feel sorry for him. He’d lose more if we split and that worries me as I feel others may shed with him. My children are teens and one grown up. All have a good relationship with him and because he knows that his behaviour on lockdown has crossed a line is being extra helpful and charming and helpful with all our friends and family. I’m terrified of upsetting people and losing them. But I’ve lost myself.

It’s this sort of behaviour that stops me. It’s the history that stops me. But someone on here mentioned about getting into trouble for shouting out they were making tea. So many things like that for me too. Got to be polite, show respect, thank him for every tiny thing.

I have had a few days alone with the children and it’s been blissful. I need peace in my life as I get older. I will accept loneliness (so lonely and isolated anyway) for freedom and peace.

I’m about to go (perhaps my last) family holiday for a week. A week of him having his own way. Going with another family. But when I return I’ve got an appointment with a Solicitor. It feels like it may be a taste of honey. A small step down the path towards a life I deserve.

Hugs to you my friend. X*x

[Author]

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