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My abusive ex is still controlling me and I can’t get out of this cycle. He refuses to pay maintenance so I’m struggling to buy little things for my kids (detail removed by moderator). But he started booking kids into clubs and events for when they’re supposed to be with me as per court order. He knows I can’t afford to take them so he just sends messages telling me when he’s going to pick them up. My kids are really excited about going to the clubs but it’s breaking my heart that I can’t take them anywhere because he’s taken all my money and my car. I really want to tell him to get stuffed but then the kids are gonna lose out. Basically I’m not going to have my children for the weekends if I say yes to him having them. He keeps doing this and I’m not being able to be a good parent because of his behavior. The domestic abuse services helped get me a house but it’s so far away from their school, I don’t even have bus money to go to parents evening and assemblys. It’s really getting to me how trapped I feel. I want to go and watch my kids do what they enjoy but I can’t. Am I just being petty? I feel so bitter because he’s just got away with everything and even now he’s using the kids to hurt me
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I would stick to the Court order. He can book clubs when he has legal access to them. I set firm boundaries from day one. If he turns up out with these times then ring the police. If the children are upset then tell them the court has ordered these times. I’d also consider moving nearer to the school or moving to another area all together. Zero contact is the only way to break free from these men. If they cannot contact you, they cannot bully you. You shouldn’t need to have anything to do with him unless it’s pick up and drop off as per court order. And use a third party for emergency contact.
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A court order is a court order. Perhaps it is time to mention to him that if it is not carried through he (and you) could go to prison. End of.
I understand the pressure you are under to give your kids things, but depending on the ages – there may be simply and cheaper things you could offer them. Ultimately, they will appreciate you setting boundaries.
Good advice re the CSA. Difficult because I understand they take 20 per cent of money if they chase the other party.
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Hi kip thank-you for replying I’m just having a hard time at the moment because he’s doing his best to divide me and my kids. I tried to move closer to my family, (detail removed by moderator) miles away, but he told the kids he would die from getting ill from them being so far away. As a result they refused to see me for weeks and they refused to see me at school aswell, so the school refused to let me take them when the DV services got us a safe house closer to my family. I probably could of pushed harder to get them from school but the kids were a mess and it’s only now that I’ve learnt that he told them he would die. The school is only miles away but it’s country lanes between us with no pavements and there’s crashes there all the time so I don’t really fancy walking that way. There’s no houses closer as its a small village and everything’s full. I went through child maintenance and he ignored them as much as he could building up thousands in arrears. When they started deducting from his pay he quit his job and went self employed so now he has no proof of his earnings yet. I will stand my ground and say no to him taking them. I’ll try to speak to my solicitor too. I know I’m gonna break my kids hearts tho
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Hi freedom to choose, thank-you. I tell him to stick to the court order all the time but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what the police have to say and he’s managed to convince everyone that I’ve been the bad one to him. My kids understand we have no money they don’t ask for much, it’s just things they need like the socks and £2 to go swimming with school tomorrow which I havnt got. I would love to have a cup of coffee but I can’t get any milk until Friday which doesn’t help. I’m just annoyed with him that he’s quite happy to see his kids living in poverty but giving them things they don’t need when they’re at his to make himself look wonderful. Sorry I’m just having a bit of a whine at the moment. I’ll sort myself out somehow
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You are doing really well MsTaken, I do understand it is not easy. For years my ex tried to starve us out quite literally.
Needing others to listen is ok hon. That’s what we are here for.
Step by step. Wish I could say something else more helpful, but at least you have my moral support for what it is worth.
all best
ftc
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One thing which might help is the turn2us website. You can search on the database for obscure grants for individuals which I managed to get – on occasion. i.e for a carpet for the floor or children’s expenses.
It takes a bit of patience and is not easy but I wouldn’t hesitate to say you are suffering the aftermath of domestic abuse, financial and all the rest of it.
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Hello Ms Taken,
I just wanted to show you some advice and support. You are not being petty, your ex is trying to still control and abuse you thought the children, financially and emotionally. He is also showing a blatent disregard for authority by continuing to ignore the orders that you have in place to keep you and the children safe and happy. Please do get back in touch with your local Women’s Aid as soon as you can, they can offer you advice and help you with a safety plan. Please also notify the Police of the fact that he is continuing to contact you, they should be able to issue him with a warning or contact restrictions. You could also try to get an injunction out against him. I am sad for you that you were unable to move nearer your family, could you explore this option again now that you know it was only his poisonous words to your children that prevented you from going before? Do not let him know that you are considering this as he sounds like a very dangerous man. In the short term I understand that your children might be disappointed but longer term you are giving them the best gift you can which is a childhood free from abuse so be proud of yourself of what you have achieved so far and what you are striving to achieve.
You have done so well. Please look at the turn2us website http://www.turn2us.org.uk and get in touch with your local Women’s Aid group as soon as you can. Rights of Women are helpful too and have a great website, http://www.row.org.uk
Best wishes,
Lisa
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