What should I do?

[Yellowflower]

There are many details on here that I unfortunately cannot discuss however me and my children have been no contact for a while we moved far away to stay with friends. However I can’t help feeling guilty about it. My ex is missing out on so many milestones in our children’s lives. I should hate him for what his done but I don’t i still love him I just feel kind of sad. Sad I couldn’t make it work, sad I wasn’t enough and sad we’re in this situation. Why am I feeling so guilty about the children? When there are safeguarding concerns. Is it because I still love him? I don’t know I just feel awful.

[Fudgecake]

Whenever I feel guilty for leaving I recall a saying I read somewhere “She distanced herself to save herself.”
You shouldn’t feel guilty as you were driven to the point of having to take action for the survival of you and your children.
They need a strong, happy mum and a calm loving home. Neither of which they would have had if you had stayed. You did what you knew you had to do for your sanity and your children’s future well being. That should be commended. Remember that saying in times of doubt, he caused this not you x

[fizzylem]

Hi YF, he is missing out and so are the children – but as there is abuse the fatherly relationship is unavialable to all of them as they and you need safeguarding hey – doesn’t mean that the typical emotionals wont surface, as they are doing here. However, there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent this hey, his thoughts, feelings, actions led you all here – only he is responsible for creating the situation you all find yourselves in now.

Do you love him? Do you love the man he is? Or is it that you love only some parts of him? The man he can be? Only he comes as a whole with parts of him that are to be avoided at all costs.

I tried to love him, but gave up, time has now passed and I no longer feel this; feel I was duped into thinking we were in love. I thought I was in love, but it feels for me that I was more in love with the idea of being in love now, unsure I ever really was. I mean I love kindess, laughter, joy, he never gave me any of these things, think we had two dates ever, I have literally only a couple of good memories, he managed to ruin most things, including the birth of our child, well he almost ruined that, it could have been a golden memory the three us us but I choose to remember it as being just me and her, put his lack of care at the time and abandonment to one side so it doesnt tarnish the memory. He never actually did anything kind or caring for me off his own back, isn’t that what love is? To do something for someone without question? I gave, he took – was this love? Don’t know, I do know I tried though and also to make it work – long after it was dead, it kind of takes two though huh – imagine you gave it your all as well from what you’ve said, so walk away conscience free. Whether you love him or not really doesnt matter anymore I guess – does it? You chose to walk away as at that time you felt you had no choice and it was needed for all of you. You know the man he is now and all this brings. Let him go flower, he will never be what you or the children need him to be because he is who he is x

[Yellowflower]

Thank you both for your reply. You are right I know I wouldn’t have got those things had I stayed… I did have a good times with him though dates that were so lovely and he made me laugh and I felt like a princess… but I guess that was only for a short period and the odd occasion it felt like he could turn it on and off if that makes sense. Like we could do something together and it would make remind me how much I do love him and how amazing he could be… then days later he would be screaming and shouting in my face again. I did give it absolutely everything I had I was exhausted but I never wanted to walk away I really didn’t I just couldn’t take been spoken to like that again and infront of our children. I just miss being a family I guess the tiny glimmers of hope I was given at times I know they never lasted. I often wonder if I should have stayed and done anything differently to get him to see he needed help… but I don’t know how I could of. At the moment I’m finding out about slot of things he lied to me about and that hurts it really does. I don’t know where the truth begins and the lies end. I loved that man with everything I am.. I still do and I wish I could turn it off. I guess that’s why I feel guilt his not seeing them because I still blame myself for all this. I know that’s silly and I shouldn’t but I’m their mommy I was meant to give them a happy family home. X*x

[KIP.]

Hi, I’m going to be blunt here. Your ex is missing absolutely nothing that he doesn’t choose to miss. There are many many steps he could take to build a relationship with his children. The bottom line is the milestones you mention mean nothing to him. No doubt in reality he would be doing his best to ruin them. Yes you are meant to give them a happy family home and that’s exactly why you are taking these step to remove an abuser. To give them the happy stable home they deserve. Well done you x You’re not responsible for his behaviour, actions and thoughts. He’s an adult and that on him. Take time to smell the flowers with your beautiful 👶🏻 children x be glad he is not about to poison them and alienate you from them. That’s what happened to me when I stayed. So you’re absolutely doing the right thing X

[Lavenderrose]

@yellowflower I have all the same feelings you do. It’s torture really! We are introducing contact but I feel so much guilty for the long gap for my daughter but in fairness he caused all this himself and still fails to see how or why he played a part.
I still have feelings despite everything and it’s difficult to come to terms with that. It’s probably never going to happen but I wish for closure in that we can communicate on a reasonable level for our child.
It’s difficult not to punish ourselves but the reality is he did this to you so you have to protect yourself and children.
Really hope you’re ok xx

[Yellowflower]

Thank you ladies. I’m just struggling to shake it off at the moment. I just feel incredibly sad. Sad that I couldn’t get him to get help. Sad that he lied to me so much. Sad that I wasn’t enough for him. Sad that I don’t know if he ever really loved me. I just miss my little family together. I don’t feel strong not at all. I keep questioning wether I’ve done the right thing for me and my family. I just don’t know if I can do this. A future that I really didn’t see happening. I thought he would get help for us.

[Camel]

Hi Yellowflower

You talk a lot about him getting help for himself, you making him get help and even him getting ‘help for us’. You believe that your family could be whole and safe and happy ‘if only’ you hadn’t failed to get help. What does this help looks like? Take this time apart to read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. (You can download a free version.) Good luck x

[Tiffany]

You can’t make an abuser change. I think that is something almost all of us learn over time. Mine had mental health issues, which he refused to get help for. I thought for a long time that if only he got help for the mental health issues then our relationship would get better. We have a relationship that was him on the good days most of the time, rather than bad. Now he definitely had mental health issues. But he was also choosing to abuse me. It’s possible to be a pretty poor partner with mental health issues, or substance abuse or any of the other issues that people have, but they don’t make you abusive.

Being abusive is a choice. And that choice is basically to put all of yours needs, but also all of your desires, over the needs of your partner. Abusers almost always put themselves first, and when they don’t, it is a calculated strategy to continue getting their own way. You can’t help a person not be like that, because they want to be like that. They want the world to revolve around hem. They might not be able to make work or their social life work like that, but they can make their relationship and family life work like that. The problem is that they don’t care how much that hurts the people around them. In fact they may be turned on by hurting people, and they definitely enjoy the power over others.

You can’t help people stop being like that. Because they don’t want to change. They have life exactly how they want it through abuse – whether that is hurting someone, cheating on them and making them think it is their fault, whatever. They do whatever they want and they don’t care who I hurts. So please don’t think you didn’t do enough to help him. You could never have done enough to make him happy – abusers are fundamentally unhappy people generally, because the rest of the world doesn’t revolve around them like their family life does. And he enjoyed seeing you hurt, some was never going to stop hurting you. And he was never going to get help, because being an abuser gave him precisely the life he wanted.

Be really glad that you got out and that your kid isn’t dealing with his toxic behaviour. (details removed by moderator). That’s the opportunity your kids have now. A much happier childhood, the stability that you can provide. The milestones being about them and their achievements, not the drama caused by their father. It’s going to be tough for you in the short term, but in the long term, it’s going to be so much better to be free.

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