4th September 2019 at 9:34 pm #87232
i found the red flags post really interesting they say first impressions and all off that. i was thinking we spend alot off time deliberating are we doing the right thing did we go about this the best way we could. looking back im working out what kept me there?
here is my list; what kept you?
1. he made me so insecure i believed i was not worthy off being loved by anyone.
2. he made me question if it was my fault.
3. i was ashamed – i felt like a failure – so i pretended everything was ok.
4. i had kids relying on me – had to get them to school – i tried to keep a level off normality which wasnt really possible.
5 i felt sorry for him and i thought his mental health was the problem – i felt responsible.
4th September 2019 at 10:45 pm #87235
1. He was an alcoholic and having treatment. I thought he’d get better.
2. We lived in my house and he wouldn’t leave.
3. Embarrassment. I met him late in life and we bought an old house in the country. I gave up my job in the City. People thought it was a real life fairy story.
4. I convinced myself he was the man I wanted him to be, not the man he was.
4th September 2019 at 10:49 pm #87236GoingmadParticipant
Yep everyone of those
Especially 1,2 and 3 I would also add fear !
2 years of counselling to restore my trashed self esteem and I’m getting out!
Looking back it’s taken about 5 years to get here
First a car so I could visit people and have my own friends, counselling and now hanging on as the divorce process creeps on!
I remind myself daily that I have to step of this hamster wheel and breathe my own air
Hope life is better now and you’re in a better place Allow yourself time,healing takes a long time
4th September 2019 at 11:05 pm #87240ThalieRoseParticipant
Oh wow, I experienced every single one apart from kids…
I would also add the trauma bond and constant hope that things can go back to how they used to…
He broke up with me and I will always thank him for that. I am scared to think what would have happened if he hadn’t. I am just realising the sheer amount of trauma I’ve been through and if it wasn’t for him I would have still fought for this relationship… You girls give me so much strength to realise just how bad it all was.
5th September 2019 at 9:27 am #87262
I also knew he had nowhere to go but the homeless shelter and that meant I took him back when I shouldn’t have.
5th September 2019 at 9:30 am #87264IwantmebackParticipant
What stopped me leaving was my own ego. Have first husband and couldn’t bear him knowing I’d failed, plus I really did love him. All that was before i knew it was domestic abuse. Once i finally admitted to myself what he was, that was when i woke up and started making plans to get away from him
5th September 2019 at 10:04 am #87273HunkyDoryParticipant
It was really interesting diymum, as is this question! I thought about this quite a bit this morning and it boils down to two:
1. I was terrified of him when he was on a rant because it would usually become physical from knocking things out of my hand to grabbing my clothes and pulling me and occasionally hitting me.
2. I was well and truly stuck. He was thousands of miles from home here with no friends or family. He had nowhere to go and I felt I’d be utterly cruel to throw him out or get him deported. Thank god he went of his own accord.
5th September 2019 at 11:15 am #87285
looks like we all have similr but also different experiences off this – I know some are further out than others. one thing tho for me was I truly thought I would not meet anyone else ; I still wonder why I was so adamant this was the truth. out off millions off men he made feel like he would be the only one who would ‘ put up with me!!’ talk about projection :)!
so to sum this up I ask myself what do I think of him now – I look back and think sometimes with even a giggle what a prat. I don’t see him as a real man – I see him as very weak – I see myself a much stronger – I see him as a nobody now. I do regret meeting him and I do regret wasting so much time on him xx
5th September 2019 at 12:50 pm #87307
I don’t think I’ll meet someone else, but I’m better off alone I think. I’ll never trust a man again.
5th September 2019 at 10:47 pm #87374fizzylemParticipant
Me too DM! Exactly the same. It was only once I realsied I was not responsible for him and that this is never going to change that I ended it, after years of putting myself through that list! x
5th September 2019 at 11:28 pm #87381EscapeeParticipant
Apart from the fact that I love him I stayed because I believed I wasn’t capable of looking after myself.
I also felt we deserved each other; I being selfish, stupid, a useless wife and mother, and very self absorbed; him being bad tempered, lazy and critical.
It took several years of therapy (as he deflected everything so cleverly I believed I was completed screwy) and a few soul seeking therapies to make me realise it wasn’t me really, my ‘going mad’ was actually me being desperately unhappy.
6th September 2019 at 12:38 am #87385AnononagainParticipant
Not in a position to answer as in what stopped me but this has made me re think what is truly stopping me:
1: I worry my children will be taken away
2: I worry that everything I’ve trusted that he’s never turned so bad and tried to kill or harm me fully (as in his jokes of finishing me) ( if I left or went with anyone) may actually be truth and he may follow through
3: I’m not Normal and he understands me I genuinely would never find someone that can deal with my worrying and panicking
4: joint tenancy
5: my children may grown up and thinkmive given up on him
6: the small belief that tells me he only hurts me cus he’s so passionate about me and I can help him.
7: I promised God ( May sound daft to some)
6th September 2019 at 11:04 pm #87473fizzylemParticipant
Hi A, classic abused responses you’ve written there; after years of listening to his sh!t.
1. Your children will not be taken off you; but they are at risk now and suffering, if you suffer they do, if there’s a bad atmosphere in the house, they feel it; they are not living a normal or best life and are witnessing abuse – this is confusing and frightening.
2. If you leave without telling him, get a refuge lined up, you can access the safety and protection you need.
3. When you go, the last thing you will want in your life for a long time is another man; you can do this alone with support. You will meet other people, kind and compassionate folk if this is what you choose; you won’t be panicking and worrying when you feel safe.
4. Tenancy can easily be sorted. Your refuge support worker will help you with this.
5. It’s essential your children grow up knowing you ended it because no one should ever tolerate abuse. Staying only teaches them they must tolerate abuse from others.
6. This is not passion, it’s control and abuse. No one can help him, he can only help himself.
7. You promised, but that commitment ended the first time he abused you, as this was not in the deal.
Get a protection order lined up for when you leave. Come on hun, you can do this. Life is for living, this is not living is it – give this to yourself and the girls x
7th September 2019 at 12:16 pm #87506AnononagainParticipant
Ah Fizzylem it really isn’t much of a life but I do have my girls and they are my world .i wish I was brave and can take a leap .. those reasons when put as you have I can totally see that there is no real reason to stay or stopping me but inside of me they are so strong that I feel frozen stuck and unable to do anything about it yet can see in black and white the answer I just can’t . I don’t know what’s wrong with me surely i could just do it but I can’t 😢 x*x
8th September 2019 at 8:42 pm #87606
we felt exactly the same Anon – frozen into action they brain wash us – psychologists say that if were told something over and over we start to beleive it. they put these doubts in our heads intentionally to emotionally paralyse us. you dont know what the road ahead is when your in this situation thats because off trauma we cant see/or think straight what fizz said is so true all off this is acheivable but i dont beleive people can do this without the right support xx reach out youve already done that coming on here xx hugs much love diymum
8th September 2019 at 11:41 pm #87619TiffanyParticipant
1. I am disabled and he convinced me that I couldn’t live without his support.
2. I saw him as my only chance to have kids – I didn’t think with my disability that I could find a new partner before I got too old.
3. I had invested a lot in the relationship before the abuse became blatant.
4. I thought my disability made me hard to live with, because of his abuse.
5. My disability made me financially insecure, and I saw being in a relationship as a way to be more stable, even though he was abusing me financially.
Basically it all boiled down to disability and insecurity. The disability made me vulnerable – particularly as it also isolated me. That made it easier for him to play on my insecurities.
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