What the hell is wrong with me?

[Mime]

Aghh!! I’m so so angry and frustrated with myself – I’ve gone and made everything 100 times worse!!!

So he’s been doing the silent treatment for a while now, also walking out and refusing to say where he’s been (normal for him) getting nasty and saying horrible, cruel things (on the rare moments he’ll say anything at all) and I’ve been not reacting – doing really well (I thought), until very recently (I can’t say when in case it identifies me)

So he stepped up his nastiness and it was becoming blatantly abusive and cruel and crazymaking – the things he was saying were so far from reality and so clearly designed to hurt, undermine, even break me.

Well he did break me – when he carried on saying these horrible things, unknown to him (it was dark, we were in bed and the light was off) I started (detail removed by Moderator) It wasn’t dramatic – I lay completely still and listening to the things he was saying.and occasionally answering with the smallest thing to defend myself (why?? I know it makes him worse), but never speaking above a whisper, while he was getting louder and louder, and as he was saying all these lies about me, (detail removed by Moderator) all silently, in the dark – he doesn’t know. (detail removed by Moderator) It did hurt, quite a lot tbh, (detail removed by Moderator) But I still kept on doing it, like one part of me was watching the other part and I couldn’t stop,(detail removed by Moderator).

So then, after a while of this, with his insults increasing and becoming more cruel and venomous, when he had stopped for a pause, I said something in the calmest voice – I can’t say what becasue it will be identifying again – but it was like I didn’t even recognise my own voice because it didn’t sound like me – it was like a low monotonous quiet tone – but I said this thing and kept repeating it over and over again – the thing I said was basically a boundary I was setting, like a final one – and his voice changed then, there was fear in his voice, you could tell he was shocked I was saying this thing.

So now I’ve had about 3 hrs sleep (again!) – I can’t sleep, I feel so ill. I don’t think I’ve ever felt close to having a complete breakdown as I do now (I don’t even know what that would even mean, I feel a sense that I’m barely in control of myself anymore). Because of what I did, basically the boundary I tried to set (in my strange semi dissociative state) I know for sure I’ve just added several more days, if not weeks, of his silence and cruelty and his intermittent attacks – and I don’t think I have the strength to cope with it anymore.

I know it seems obvious to leave but I can’t atm – he’s already hinted he will do everything to have our child removed from me – I can’t go into details (identifing) – she’s not biologially mine, but I love her and I cant bear the thought of losing her – I’m sure he would do it, I’ve no doubt, all the lies and accusations he throws at me, he would start saying them to other people and I wouldn’t be allowed to see her. It’s actually worse and more complicated than that but I can’t say here.

Im so so sad this morning. I tried so hard to be strong and he finally broke me (to be fair it didn’t even take him that long – why am I so weak??) I feel so afraid and alone now and I don’t know how to get through this
anymore.

And to make things worse I feel like a whining drama queen with first world problems because he didn’t even physically hurt me (not like in my other relationships). I did that to myself, and I actually despise myself for it. And I feel its wrong to say that here, because how can you compare one pain to another or one experience to another, but I do, and it makes me feel un-entitled and like I should shut the f*k up. What is wrong with me??

[KIP.]

You’re being abused and self harming as a coping mechanism. You need help to get out of this. Start building a support network. Talk to your GP. Abusers will change the forms of abuse until they hit on something that works for them. Threatening to remove children is a very common one however if this isn’t your child and you have no rights to them you need to separate your emotions from them because one way or another I believe eventually you won’t be in their lives. It’s another thing he can use to abuse you. For me the emotional damage was deeper and far more lasting than any physical abuse. Don’t underestimate how damaging to your mental health his behaviour is. He’s causing self harm which is physical damage. I used to bite myself.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Mime,

I am really concerned for you after reading your post. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, but you are reacting to the trauma of ongoing abuse. You are not a whining drama queen at all, you are a woman who is being abused and who is being affected by this abuse.

Your self harm is not uncommon in these situations, and your body is going through a stage of disassociating itself from the reality in order to help you cope with the trauma. Please reach out and seek help.

This atmosphere at home will also be affecting your daughter. Even though she may not be biologically yours, you can still protect her from what she is witnessing, and it may not be in her best interests to stay with her biological father. If you do not have legal Parental Responsibility for her this could change things for you going forward in the short term, but depending on her age and the closeness you have, she could choose to remain in contact with you going forward, or if she does not stay with her father due to the abuse, another relative may assist you maintaining contact, especially if it is in her best interests to have an ongoing relationship with you.

Your mental health will not improve whilst you stay with this man, and your physical health is at risk too. Please see the same red flags that we see too and speak to someone who can help you break free from this abuse.

[Mime]

Thank you Kip and Wants To Help – your words are so kind and I think about the things you write very carefully. Since joining this forum I’m starting to understand that what’s happening is abuse and taking it more seriously.

I’ve decided to look into some counselling as I’m clearly not managing this situation very well.

I’m embarrassed about my emotional post this morning- I woke up feeling so sad and I started typing and all my feelings came out, but I can’t go back and read what I wrote now because I feel embarrassed be so close to breaking point and feel so vulnerable.

I did what I said I wouldn’t – which is basically apologise about 100 times. I won’t write what I said because that would be identifying, but in a nutshell I took complete responsibility for everything, and told him every single thing he wanted to hear – because I had to make him stop because I didn’t think I could cope with more of his cruelty and I knew nothing else would stop what he was doing.

So now he’s like the cat that got the cream- he made me grovel really quite a bit, but I knew he would and I braced myself and did what I needed. So he’s speaking to me again, and I’m treading on eggshells until the next time. I’ve promised him I’ll do / be better (not in those words – that’s just the take home).

The thing is, I didn’t mean a thing I said. I only said a those things to make him stop – until he does it again. In the meantime I’m planning to read ‘Why Does he do That’and find a counsellor who understands about abuse, and work out ways to be kinder to myself, try and get stronger- like eating better, and having a better sleep routine so I’m not permanently exhausted.

Thank you again for your kindness. I’m worried that I’m a drain on this forum and I’m trying not to be. I’m so grateful to be here, at the moment its become a bit of a lifeline for me x*x

[KIP.]

Hi, this forum was a lifeline for me and saved my life. Some wonderful women shared their wisdom and I will forever be in their debt. What you’re describing is survival mode and you will do what you have to do to prevent his torturous trauma inducing abuse. I would do and say things simply to get through the day. Little things like let him hold my hand while my skin crawled and I felt physically sick. Be kind to yourself and many of us suffer PTSD which is even more difficult to deal with.

[KIP.]

Keep a secret journal. I used to send emails to myself.

[Secretlife]

Hello Mime

Firstly, don’t ever feel you’re a drain on this forum, there is no such thing, we are all here for you, as we are for each other as and when there is a need. Your situation is not your fault. Please seek help, I’m not sure exactly what to advise but the ladies on here will know more. I think I would contact my gp and seek advice from Womens Aid. Please, please contact someone for help. Xx

[ladiesand gentlemen]

PLEASE PLEASE get some help
it not you its him, this is what abusers do, and it gets worse the weaker we get, try to remove him from your head at least.
Speak to your GP,or anyone you can trust, we are ALL here for you x*x
In the meanwhile, keep a diary, take photos of anything you can (detail removed by Moderator) etc
They are so vile, and he does NOT deserve you AT ALL !!!!
Take care x*x

[Author]

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