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I’ve been out (detail removed by moderator) months. I haven’t been able to go full no contact because I have his dog. He’s homeless so my only other option woukd be to sign her over to a rescue and I can’t do that to her. She’s (detail removed by moderator) years old, this is her home and she adores me.
Thought I was doing so well. Getting the house done up, having as much me time as my life allows and after the first (detail removed by moderator) months, no regrets at all.
But all of a sudden in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I’m falling apart. Massively anxious and tearful. At work today wanting to sit at my desk and howl. His family have arranged for him to see the dog. They collect and return. I think this is a lot of what triggers my anxiety. I feelije I’ll never truly escape him until one of us dies.
He’s an alcoholic and so many good people have been dragged into the mud with him. Anyone who helps him is a target for abuse, it seems.
Contacting the office staff assistance people today. Don’t even know why I’m posting this, except I want to rant and you’re the only people who will really understand.
What has happened to the feisty, independent woman I once was?
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She’s still there Landy, you’re doing everything right, it’s just the ongoing contact messing with your head.
It’s really lovely you are looking after the dog and I know you must be very attached to her too. However if it’s getting too much, is it possible for his family to take her? He can then have access without involving you and you can break free totally. This is the only tie keeping you linked which in turn is causing your distress I think.
When there’s nothing to make you think of him you can truly be free. I too have been waiting for a meltdown but since I went NC totally I have felt much better.
It’s probably not helped much but I just wanted to show you some support xx
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Hi Landy, I get this I totally do. I’ve hot one of our dogs more and more since mine died, i really believe it’s another form of control, as I can’t have her at my place, no pets allowed policy,and I’d be too afraid if he found that out and I kept her here that he’d phone someone. He doesn’t know I’m in wa refuge accommodation. So I still go up to walk her a few times a day, take her with me till it’s near his time to come home. Once the contact is broken, there will be no ties. Once I have my own place that my dog is legitimately allowed to be, I know then
will be the time to put in for the divorce. You’re doing so well, think back to where you were this time last year, look at what you’ve achieved. I’ve to pinch myself sometimes. Oh yes I certainly have days when he still gets to me, but I can walk away, I’m no longer trapped in the house with him, waiting fir the atmosphere to settle, fir me to feel safer. I’m so proud of you mo charaid, time to start feeling so yourself. Lots of hugs IWMB 💝💞 -
Thank you. His family won’t take her, so that’s not an option. And what you’re asking me is pretty much akin to saying I have to give my child away. I guess I’m just scared he’ll take her. I’m just so tired of feeling so weak and pathetic. I have a very successful career and I’m worried that I can’t sustain it right now. I’ve just lost every ounce of confidence I ever had. Feel like I’m going backwards right now and just want to crawl under a stone.
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Sounds like he cant provide her with a home, but you can, so she needs to stay with you L. I wonder if he could recognise this?
Maybe you need to say she either comes with you or me because I cant carry on with this arrangement.
Have you called the RSPCA or any other animal charities for advice? He cant actually look after her can he, it’s not fair to give her a life on the streets. Maybe they have some power here if she’s registered in his name? Sounds like this is another sad loss he needs to feel.
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Hi landy I meant to add earlier that ive been looking into pet fostering. All you have to do is supply food and ensure the dog is insured. Not sure where you are in uk, but try googling. It’s a big step, one I’ve seriously looked into recently as I thought I was going to be moved from the refuge to smother one elsewhere and of course can’t have her living with me 😏
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I’ve taken legal advice on this. I’ve been paying her food, insurance and vet bills without any contribution from him for more than three years, so I would have a good chance in law of having her awarded me. But at the same time she’s all he has left. He’s lost everything and everyone else. My hope always is that he’ll pull himself together one day and possibly have a carefully phased return to him.
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No. He isn’t. But for the foreseeable future, the dog is.
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Hi Landy,
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a low patch.
It’s good of you to look after the dog and shows what a decent, compassionate person you are. It must be very hard to have this last connection to him and I’m sure you’re aware of the emotional cost involved. That awareness should help you to remain strong if you decide to choose the emotionally harder option to continue to care for the dog.Afterall someone has to. I’m sure you are very aware of what the potential costs of this choice are but you are still that strong confident woman even if right now she seems far away. I think that giving the dog up would not sit right with you so you need to fortify yourself against contact with him or his family. Possibly a local animal shelter could act as a contact point where you drop off and they pick up with no contact?
It’s worth asking at least. For what it’s worth and I think we are out roughly the same length of time too, I’m feeling fragile and set back too. It may be part of the up and down process after leaving.
I hope whatever you choose to do that you feel stronger for it.
Take care xx -
Sometimes it’s really hard to cut that final thread. That last connection to someone we once loved. It’s just a suggestion and you might not even be conscious of doing it. I understand your connection to the dog and if it’s what you need for the time being that might be a stop gap. But allowing contact with him via his family is keeping you stuck in that traumatic past. No matter how strong you feel. Any contact is toxic. The more contact the more toxins. How about slowly lessening access to the dog. So if it’s every week, try once every three weeks? If he really cared about his dog he would be pulling himself together for her sake if not his own. I think it was you who posted about always coming second to an addiction x
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I think what KIPs saying Landy is that it’s not your responsibilty to be part of the set up as it is now. This arrangement you have now may be on-going for a long time and the longer it does the less likely he is to have her back.
It sounds like you’ve tried it but it’s not working for you – fine hey. You’ve taken care of her for 3 years; so other than see her and take her for a walk however often he does, he does nothing for her. Seems to me he’s already abandoned her; dumped his responsiblities onto you.
You are the responsible pet owner here, not him, if you wanted to carry on without having to give him access this is absolutely fine and understandable.
It sounds like it might feel like you are removing the last thing he cares about, when actually, this is his life, his choices, he is where he is and that is ALL down to him – nothing to do with you at all.
Dog needs a home, you can provide this. He can’t. The right thing to do here is for him to acknowledge this and let the both of you go. I totes get it could feel like kicking a man while he is down, sounds like you and his family are rallying around hoping she might be the one thing that makes him wake up and sort his life out – which seems wishful, I can see how it would feel difficult to be the one to say I cant do it anymore if this is the case, as you may meet with their disapproval and angst – or maybe fear being blamed in some way if he were to take his own life or carry on drinking.
Sounds to me that he doesnt have any choice other than to accept he cant take care of her, he should be thankful that you are willing to, they all should. While you are they’re not hey.
She’s your dog now – if you want her – perhaps you need to decide in your mind that she is – then what to do will become more clear. Seems your options are to choose to carry on and find some way to resolve how you feel so you feel ok with the situation and doing this – or you take full ownership of her and you walk away with her.
He really shouldnt be putting you in this position and others shouldnt expect you to carry on with this either, if they are. When they no longer have to taxi her around I imagine this will also likely be some relief to them too – even if they dont admitt this nor see this now. Keeping her or not is completely your choice; maybe the time has now come to ask yourself do I want her fulltime or not?
NMP, not my problem, his issues and difficulties are not your problem anymore – this man doesnt need a clean up crew, he needs to experience the painful emotions that go with letting others down and behaving the way he does – see and feel the consequences to his actions.
Yes there is likely a risk this man may commit suicide or drink himself to death – this is his choice and we all need to respect that, however hard and uncomfortable this leaves us feeling sometimes. These are two options available to him – so is choosing life. Only he can help himself here – no one else can do a thing for him, until he starts to help himself first. Its sad for sure, but all of us both want and need our choices to be respected always – through the good times and low – this never changes does it, even when we make poor choices, it’s still my poor choice to make huh.
Can understand how difficult this feels for sure, highly emotive, can see that this is maybe a real test for you to give yourself what you need here and feel ok about doing so. Put everyone else to oneside and work out what is right for you here and go with this x
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I know having her here makes things more difficult for me. I’ve made that conscious decision.
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Hi Landy, when we are traumatised our decision making process is not working properly. I can tell you after a couple years I would never ever make the same decisions I made. Like you I seemed to make decisions that were extremely detrimental and kept me in the trauma. Maybe there are psychology reasons for this. Some kind of safe feeling being linked to what we know. Maybe it’s a process you have to go through. It seems to me youre actually saying you have made a conscious decision to make things more difficult for yourself. Perhaps you need to look at why you come to that decision. I think counselling will make a huge difference to you moving forwards and I know it’s not always possible. I had to prioritise counselling and borrow money for it but it was worth every penny x it’s a long process but you will get there in the end. Keep posting and exploring other options. It’s hard to think straight when our heads are still full with trauma. Sending you strength just to get through each day. I know how hard this is x
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Kip, you don’t sound like an animal lover to me, so I don’t suppose you’ll understand. I work full time and already have a lot of debt to pay off, plus a house needing tens of thousands of pounds spent on it. I’m doing what I think is right.
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Hi Landy,
Can you claim possession of the dog? if you talk to the police, these things can get a bit blurry by law, and especially if you can prove it is more yours than his, if you bought the dog initially, have spent most on it, also talk to animal rescue charities for advice regarding ownership, abuse etc you may be able to get it recognised as your legally, then you could tell him where to go and be free of this custody situation. I totally get where you’re coming from i had to leave my animals – big regret, wish i hadnt done it, but circumstances at the time – will never give up my pets again. Stay strong x -
I’ve taken legal advice and it’s likely that she’d be awarded to me if it came to it. I don’t really want to go down that route, but if I have to, I will
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If he is heavily invested in alcohol abuse that is his primary attachment. He will not have the ability to pursue legal ways to retain her (which has a financial costs as well).
The dog may be a red herring, a means for him to get attention from others and the dog but he will lack ability to care for her as well.Never heard of anyone doing so either!!
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Agree on all counts.
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This is why I am campaigning to get our pets with us in refuge(single occupancy)never mind having to fight for custody of them. Having to go down the legal route fir ownership is as bad as having to report our oh to the police as far as I am concerned 😔 I wish you the best of luck landy and hope he doesn’t start up.
IWMB 💞💞
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