What thoughts and feelings did you have when you knew you were leaving?

[Overcome]

Just curious to know what it actually felt like when you finally stuck to your guns and left the abuser?
I have left and gone back so many times i’m not sure I believe myself that it’s actually happening this time.

Also, you know that doubt in your mind that says “was it really that bad?” Does that ever go away?

With love,

Overcome x

[KIP.]

Hi, women return on average seven times before they finally leave for good. For me it was fear. When he realised he couldn’t control me any more his abuse became violent and threatening. He was arrested and removed. I also had huge doubt if I was doing the right thing. We minimise and normalise abuse. Imagine a close female friend, sister or your own daughter being treated the way you were. It’s just as bad that it’s you. You’ve left before so you know how it works but I bet he thinks you will come back again. Trauma fogs the brain so you won’t have the headspace yet to work things out.

[Overcome]

Yes, I think after today and getting advice on here I realise I still have a lot of work to do on myself. But I am determined, like you say, to not give in.

It is true, I would not be happy at all if this was happening to anyone else in my life… I would be mortified!

O x

[HunkyDory]

Guilt (that he wouldn’t cope without me), fear – of him coming back, what people would say (now I’m out I don’t care, I know the truth), sadness, emptiness. And it doesn’t stop when you get out, but believe me it gets better every day. Good luck and keep posting xx

[ultraviolet]

I’m experiencing this right now! I’m leaving next week and I have as many ducks in a row as I can, but I’m still terrified, guilty, anxious, stressed etc. Its more about the fall-out from him than anything else as he can be violent but also very manipulative. I have the support from our daughters who have literally fallen over themselves to help me, they are so desperate for me to be free, free to be a proper mother again, they are both adults. I keep having panic attacks and such a feeling of guilt about leaving, sometimes its overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself what he is really like, and the terrible things he has said and done to me over the years, and continues to do every single day. I just want to sit in front of the mirror in the morning and look at myself without thinking – ‘its not worth putting any makeup on today, as i’ll be crying with either pain, frustration or both, by lunch time’.

This is not the first time I’ve left, even after hospitalising me last time, but it really is going to be the last. I have a lovely granddaughter now, who he has never even met, because of his refusal to let go of the control he so desperately wants over all of us. Our daughters cut him off months ago when the baby was born, and I’ve finally realised if I want a normal, loving and wholesome relationship with my granddaughter and daughters, I have to leave, as he is never going to let that happen.

I feel ashamed that I have put our daughters through so much by staying with him for so many years and even today, when I was surreptitiously packing some things while he was out, it just didn’t feel real, it didn’t feel like I was actually going to go through with it – but I am, I’ve promised them, and myself, and my lovely granddaughter – this time I will leave, as I have so much more to lose than gain and I just have to continuously bring that to the forefront of my mind when I’m feeling a bit shaky.

My other remedy is to come on and and read other peoples stories – that brings it home with full force that I’m doing the right thing.

[ultraviolet]

I’m experiencing this right now! I’m leaving next week and I have as many ducks in a row as I can, but I’m still terrified, guilty, anxious, stressed etc. Its more about the fall-out from him than anything else as he can be violent but also very manipulative. I have the support from our daughters who have literally fallen over themselves to help me, they are so desperate for me to be free, free to be a proper mother again, they are both adults. I keep having panic attacks and such a feeling of guilt about leaving, sometimes its overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself what he is really like, and the terrible things he has said and done to me over the years, and continues to do every single day. I just want to sit in front of the mirror in the morning and look at myself without thinking – ‘its not worth putting any makeup on today, as i’ll be crying with either pain, frustration or both, by lunch time’.

This is not the first time I’ve left, even after hospitalising me last time, but it really is going to be the last. I have a lovely granddaughter now, who he has never even met, because of his refusal to let go of the control he so desperately wants over all of us. Our daughters cut him off months ago when the baby was born, and I’ve finally realised if I want a normal, loving and wholesome relationship with my granddaughter and daughters, I have to leave, as he is never going to let that happen.

I feel ashamed that I have put our daughters through so much by staying with him for so many years and even today, when I was surreptitiously packing some things while he was out, it just didn’t feel real, it didn’t feel like I was actually going to go through with it – but I am, I’ve promised them, and myself, and my lovely granddaughter – this time I will leave, as I have so much more to lose than gain and I just have to continuously bring that to the forefront of my mind when I’m feeling a bit shaky.

My other remedy is to come on here and and read other peoples stories – that brings it home with full force that I’m doing the right thing.

[Peacethroughhealing]

Yes I understand it completely. I haven’t seen ‘my ex’ who was the absolute love of my life for well over a month now. When we did see each other it was difficult and I desperately wished to go back to a time when it was all still innocent and he hadn’t shown his true colours to me. That’s not possible, I know that. Some days I think I’ve done the right thing and others exactly as you say I ask myself if it really was that bad but when you are in it it is hellish. It becomes normalised though and because I’ve been out of it for a bit you start to question was it that bad because you miss the cuddles the talking, all the other things that were there in the relationship but not the violence and verbal abuse. It’s a long road to recovery and I really hope for me every day will start to get easier as other women say on here. Just now I feel like my whole heart is broken into pieces. I loved him so much and would have spent my life with him but he broke us and destroyed what we had.

[Overcome]

Thank you for sharing everyone.

It’s horrible that we are put through so many emotions, right now I am so angry and upset that I am forced to make this decision. I have tried so many times to make this work, always being the one to change things as it was always my fault. Of course, I know it’s not all down to me now – and this will be my life forever if I don’t do something about it. That scares me more than he or staying does!

I’m so scared of what is to come, he has cleverly worked it so I come away with nothing. I was trying to get some money saved up before leaving but recent events have turned my hand and that is an impossible thing to do now.

I truly hope it gets easier…

With love,

Overcome x

[KIP.]

Financial abuse is also a huge part of domestic abuse. If you’re not financially independent it makes it much harder to leave. There are laws around financial abuse and coercive control now for a reason. It’s normal to fear their reaction, that’s how we become trapped. Fear Obligation and Guilt the FOG of abuse. Once you’re free there’s the rest of your life to build back up financially and it’s much easier to budget and live frugally than you think. I upscaled pine furniture by painting in shabby chic. Looks fab. The world is yours when you’re free and such wonderful adventures await. I’ve been to places I’d never have gone. Met wonderful strong women I’d never have met x keep going. You’re strong than you know x

[Author]

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