What to do about MH issue?

[Brewsandshoes]

I’m struggling because it’s pretty clear my partner has MH issues and that’s probably got a lot to do with his abusive behaviour. It came to a head because (like I’ve posted before) I likened him to someone’s boyfriend who he knows is angry and abusive. I was careful what I said – it was him who used the term abusive – but since then my partner has been giving me the silent treatment. Then (detail removed by moderator) he’s called in sick to work and is missing a big social thing. He says it’s because he can’t sleep – but it’s what he does when he can’t cope. What I said to him is obviously too much for him to deal with.

I know it doesn’t change his EA and coercive behaviour. And I struggle to have sympathy for him because of that. But I also feel like if he could tackle his MH issues he might be a better man. But I don’t know if he’s ready to join the dots – and if he can’t then I suppose there’s nothing I can do.

Life with him is a quiet hell.

[Borntobefree]

Hi hun
There is no excuse for abuse
Hes marking you feel guilty
My ex had mh problems but I suffered severely because of him. Sexual abuse emotional abuse.. I nearly died too

Do.not let him control you.x

[diymum@1]

hi there, abuse men hate to be seen for what they are “abusive” he wont own up to that ever. because if he did he would see that as him caving in and actually taking responsibilty for his abuse. they dont want you to see the real them. Have you looked at narcassism they hide behind a fascade. not to sound cynical but also MH. if you dont mind me asking have you ever seen any evidence from the doctor of what hes actually suffering with. if hes on medication like venlafaxine, lithium or mirtazipine his problems are serious. depression is treated with fluoxitine,citilopram and setraline amongst others. as above even if he does have MH it sounds like hes hiding behind this. i have experience of this because i believed my ex was bipolar – his medical records were released when we went to court he had mild low mood! one thing that was disclosed though to the psychologist was that he had to be top dog xx very scarey because he revealed himself to her xx luv diy

[diymum@1]

what i meant to say too is MH does not usually make you aggressive/abusive id go as far as to say it makes your retreat into yourself. hes in a huff at being found out by the sounds of it, the silent treatment is his way of punishing you for even think of calling him out however subtly you did xx

[keepswimming]

OP – I read your post and bad to double check if wasn’t mine because our stories are so similar.

I’ve recently left the relationship and it’s given me time to reflect on the relationship. My ex also said he had MH issues. He never sought treatment and never took medication. There was always an excuse.

Towards the end I realised he weaponised his MH against me, like it was a trump card that made him not accountable. It was another method in which he blamed me for how be was and also made me responsibile for him getting better. He would sulk for days, not go to work and threaten suicide. It was always method of control. Does he only show this side to you?

I realised that any treatment wouldn’t work because he was always in denial that he was abusive and that his behaviour was as a result of his mental health.

Please OP, I’d ask you consider yourself and your own mental health. He isn’t your project to fix, you aren’t responsible for his actions x

[Iwantmeback]

I have been around people with mh issues since I was 12 years old. They are not usually aggressive, coercive and manipulative. Their drugs help to level them out so to speak, to enable them to deal with life. Many many abusive people use mh as a mask to hide behind, to blame when they step out of line(ie your boundaries), to accuse you of not understanding them. There are many types of mh problems. Being abusive does not cause mh problems, as does neither mh cause you to be abusive. But you can have mh problems and also be abusive. My oh has caused my mental health to not be at it’s best, but I don’t abuse him because of it.
Keep noting what he does and says or tries to get out of by playing the mh card.

IWMB 💕💕

[Brewsandshoes]

Thanks all. Nope – he isn’t and never has been on anything or been diagnosed with anything. The only ‘diagnosis’ was from the GP last year that he scored high for anxiety and moderately for depression. But he never ‘does’ anything. And you’re right – these ‘retreats’ only happen when I’ve confronted him in some way.

BTW does anyone else have a partner who acts like they know how you think? I mean literally saying ‘you like this thing’ or making a statement then saying ‘don’t you think’. It’s usually about very minor things, but it’s like he can’t even let me have my own thoughts about TV shows or stories in the news.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and yes my oh seems to know exactly what I’m thinking/ feeling. I just tell him that he must be really clever to know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling yet he can’t tell me what he thinks/ feels. Look up the book, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft., it explains these men to a T. He’s gaslighting you, trying to get you to disbelieve your own reality.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

the chances are i bet 99.9% hes faking xx its a great fasade and everyone will put up with his behavoir ans say nothing. I did this with his mum what can we do to help him? poor him he cant help flying off the hannd;e its not really his fault. well in hindsight he really fooled me xx my ex wouldnt wash, get out off bed, brush his teeth or help with the kids. ive never had someone tell me what im thinking but that sounds like control. i hopw you dont think im being harsh xx it just makes me mad when these guys play on our kind side. i wasted many years trying to help him, i even put antidepressants in his coffee so that he would behave xx i shouldnt really confess to that! i had no idea he was lying about his MH it took seeing that report to see it for what it was xx luv diymum

[Starandlittlestar]

Brewsandshoes, and Keepswimming – there are so many similarities in our experiences, it is almost chilling.
MH is used so often to excuse unacceptable behaviour by these men. I was even told that a medical professional had told him that he can’t control it! That was his way of saying I had to put up with it and let him do whatever he wanted. His family would say the same thing, that I had to just go along with it, poor him, he can’t control it.
He could control it when he wanted though, when there was something he wanted to do, or when we were with friends or something.
But he never actually did anything about his MH, we all had to just accept it.
It makes me shudder now I can see the level of control.
Have you got any way to get out/make an exit plan? It isn’t going to get any better if you stick around, I’m sorry to say.

And yes my ex would try to tell me what I’m thinking. And even more frequently he would finish my sentences for me! Generally not with the words I had intended, but it would distract/confuse long enough so I would lose my train of thought, or just agree with him for an easy life. He did not like me having my own thoughts and ideas about things. Still doesn’t.
As the others have said, start looking at your own mental health. Put yourself first. Getting out would help you feel a million times better (eventually), not controlled, not guilt-tripped etc. You could start living again. You deserve that.
Luv Star xx

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