What to do if can’t get refuge place?

[bluedolphin]

I’ve mentioned this issue in another thread. I’m sorry if I shouldn’t start a new one, but the other thread is quite long and talks about other things.

In short. I was turned down today by my local WA for a refuge. He was making violent threats last night. I slept with the furniture against the door because I was scared. He wasn’t physical last night but has been in the past. They told me they could only help if I was in immediate danger, but even if I was in immediate danger I had to call the police and go through them for the refuge. She then told me to call the samaritans. I wasn’t in a bad way mentally when I spoke to her. I was scared but was quite calm.

I want to avoid police involvement if at all possible. I found it so traumatic when they get involved. I thought also it would be safer to leave before an emergency?

I don’t know what to do now. I’ve decided to wait because he’s off on a lads holiday next week. I’ll have some time, but what if I can’t get a refuge place when I’m ready and packed? Do I really have to wait for police and an emergency?

[KIP.]

While he’s away on his holiday would be a good chance to escape. Sometimes police involvement is what is needed to progress our safety plan. Can you rent a room privately from someone? Obviously not tell him where you are going. Or explain to WA that he threatened you recently and his behaviour is escalating. Please keep a journal of his behaviour and record it if safe.

[maddog]

If you go to the police they will take you through a DASH form. They will not go barging around your partner unless it is safe to do so. They left my ex well out of things until now. I first reported him a long time ago and by now I expect they are rather sick of me.

[maddog]

You are coming on so well, bluedolphin. It sounds as though things are really shifting. Well done! You are right in thinking that it’s better to move before things are out of control. You don’t have to wait for an emergency to call the police. Perhaps you could do it while your partner’s away? Keep in touch with your local WA and the national helpline.

I am going to be sleeping in my luverly car for a few days. Lucky me. That’s my decision. I will have animals to keep me company and I will be comfortable enough. As long as I have coffee!

[bluedolphin]

Thank you so much for the replies. Having a wobble right now. Questioning whether he really is that bad or dangerous. Having a bad time with my health issues and a bad experience with the doctor, which has set me back confidence-wise. I’m worrying about the medical issues rather than focusing on my situation, which is easy to do because he is (detail removed by moderator).

Maddog, I’m thinking of you. I really, really hope things are as ok as they can be for you right now. Especially with you sleeping in the car. I hope you have enough coffee! I wish I had the courage to go to the police like you. I just can’t face it. I don’t understand it but the police have never respected my wish for them not to interview or arrest him. It felt almost like no different to his control. I know that might sound silly. It was just horrible when they got involved.

I think I perhaps will try Womens Aid again. I’ll avoid my local WA, but I’ll try the national helpline.

I think it might have to be refuge if I leave? I wish I had enough money to find somewhere to rent instead. I’ve tried to leave before. No money at all. Bad health, and he doesn’t like me working. I’ve tried DSS-accepted ads. All want either deposit or several months rent upfront. Except for a very sleazy sounding male landlord (He started trying to ask me questions about sex). I’m also a bit too old for a lot of rooms – they mostly ask for tenants younger than me (detail removed by moderator).

Sorry. This is a miserable post. I think I should try to sleep and hopefully wake up with more confidence.

[freedomtochoose]

I am with you. in spirit. not much I can do from here but just wanted to offer moral support.
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

However I am pretty cross as to why no one is offering you place in refuge.
WA I am asking you straight. And lisa, why is this, why are you refusing a woman who deserves it?
oK I know cirumstances are complicated but this doesn’t seem right. Come on people and WA.
all best
ftc
x

[maddog]

The police would only arrest him if they thought he was seriously dangerous. My ex was in a foul mood this evening and angry with my daughter. I asked her what it was all about and she didn’t know. I think he is isolating himself as no-one takes much notice of him. Not surprising really when he is so angry. This police interview has taken a long time coming. I hope they would have called me before they called him. Maybe not.

I was looking at moving into a caravan. It’s much cheaper than renting, and at this time of year, lovely.

[bluedolphin]

I was about to go to bed. I’m so tired and know I need to sleep for a clearer head, but I just saw your replies and had to reply back.

Maddog, that’s coincidence. I used to think about a caravan too. When I had a little money from part-time work (until he stopped that). Hopefully you wouldn’t have to stay too long…I hope you can have him removed from the home soon or get the place sold. Your poor daughter. Is there no way you can get him removed even before the house is sold? I don’t know much about how it works. I was called by the police before my partner was released, but that was after he was arrested on a 999 call-out. I would hope the police would tell you before your ex-husband is interviewed, but I think it might be best to call them to check? I think you should have advance warning.

Ftc, thank you so much. That really does mean a lot. The moral support from here and the national helpline has been so helpful for me. I hope I haven’t given the wrong message about WA. The national helpline (and a WA in a random part of the UK that I found by googling WA) have both suggested refuge to me. I’m often so tired when I post – I don’t sleep well. I haven’t been turned down for refuge from anywhere except my local WA (they run refuges in a neighbouring council so I’d be able to go there and still keep to the staying away from your own area thing).

I wasn’t ready those times I spoke with the national helpline, but I think I will be soon. I wish I didn’t have to though. I’ve been told I’d have to call the numbers (given to me by the national helpline) myself. I just couldn’t help worrying, after the local WA experience, they would all also turn me away. I shouldn’t pre-judge all of them by one bad experience. I couldn’t help panicking I suppose.

I’ve lost the sense of urgency right now. He’s away on holiday so I don’t feel scared. He was being nice again before he left. I know that might not last. I know I need to deal with it all. Perhaps I’ll feel more up to it tomorrow. I know Kip’s right that him being away is a good time to leave. He’s out all day at work though so I think I’d have time any weekday.

[maddog]

The breakdown of a relationship is terrible and far more dangerous when the partner is abusive. You are sounding more positive, bluedolphin. It is all a massive step into the unknown and it is frightening. Was your experience of the police unhelpful? Does your police force have an IDVA service? They should have something.

There are so many reasons we stay in abusive relationships and it is difficult to move from loving someone and all the strings that go with it to cutting the strings one by one and realising that the partner is actually a parasite which we are better off without. Keep snipping at those strings and keep going.

[Lisa]

Hi bluedolphin,

I’m glad you’ve found the National Helpline useful for support. As you know, a helpline support worker will be able to provide you with up to date information about refuge vacancies, which change on a daily basis. It is best to call for refuge vacancies in the morning, giving you enough time to go through a referral. I am not able to comment about your specific circumstances on here, as it could be too identifying. However please be honest with the helpline worker about any concerns you have and they will do their best to address them.
It sounds like you are just starting the process, but if you are having any difficulties getting into refuge the helpline workers may be able to provide additional support for you. It’s important that you take this at a pace you are comfortable with, also taking into account keeping as safe as you can.
Any questions, please ask.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

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