What to expect in the aftermath of leaving?

[lostouthere]

Hi all,

I left my abuser (detail removed by Moderator) days ago, and I feel so sad and heartbroken both in missing the person that I love, and also in recognising what I went through. I facetimed a friend yesterday, and when she said ‘I’m so sorry you went through that, you never deserved it and it never should have happened to you’ I broke down, because now I’m out of the relationship it’s the first time I’ve had the space to think about everything in a way other than being terrified and just having the immediate fight or flight response, and I feel so devastated that I’ve been treated this way. It’s the first time I’ve truly recognised that I’m also sorry myself that I went through it and that I didn’t deserve it, and it’s really messing with my emotions.

I don’t really know what to expect for the near future since I’ve only just left, and I’m kind of scared about how to get over it. It is especially scary still feeling so attracted to him personally and sexually, and missing my best friend of nearly (detail removed by Moderator). He wanted us to spend literally all of our time together (to the point of even going to the bathroom together) and that makes it so much harder to be away from him now. I’m not going to contact him or anything of the sort, because radio silence from me is his worst n**********c nightmare! But I just struggle with my emotions and what to expect as time goes on.

Can anyone help with sharing their experiences of the trajectory of things the first few weeks and months?

Thank youuuu <3333

[Bananaboat]

Firstly, massive well done for leaving!

These first few weeks are a rollercoaster but worth it. Your brain is probably going to go into overdrive, it can be easy to get stuck ruminating sometimes.

You’ll have days you miss the hell out of him and days you’ll think w*f was I doing. Remind yourself of that when that pull is strong because tomorrow you’ll feel differently. I found it almost impossible some days to make a decision at this stage but that’s ok, write things down and tackle them on your strong days. When you miss him, read any old journals or come here and remind your brain of the bad.

You’re breaking a chemical addiction from the highs & lows, breaking the trauma bond and going through a lot all at once. So be gentle with yourself, you can’t do it all at once and you’re going to be very tired – but obviously when you head to bed you might be wide awake. So sleep when you can. Write stuff down to get it out of your head.

Final tip – continue to learn about abusive. Some days you won’t want to and that’s ok but when you do, you’ll see more and more patterns which in turn, will make you feel stronger.

Take one day at a time. You’ve been through a lot. It’s the start of the new, better chapter now xx

[Llgirl]

When I left I was a shell of a person and felt the same, I just wanted to go back but knew going back would mean being unsafe and I just couldn’t do that to myself. It’s the trauma bond. I threw myself into books, Lundy Bancrofts book, the domestic abuse recovery journal on Spotify and groups. When I left I had an IDVA, a social worker, health visitor, talking therapies, the lot. I needed all of that support just to get on with my life. I do freedom programme online and still go to a group every (detail removed by moderator) and I’m months and months out now.

Take it easy, take each day one step at a time, start learning about the cycles of abuse, and you will start to see it for what it was. It’s really really hard and a bitter pill to swallow. I did not think I had left such an abuser, I just thought he had issues, but I see how how horrendous it is, the brainwashing g, the control.

Start figuring out who you are without him without any pressure on yourself.

Inbox always open
Xx

[Llgirl]

I was also ringing the helpline to women’s aid daily as well, and using online chat

[StrongLife]

Excellent that you got out.

Expect that this will pass and in future you will be safe.
Expect less stress in long run after a period of stress.

Yes I agree wth expect counselling and plenty of it. Expect better health.

[Hereforhelp]

First few weeks I felt sickening strong waves of guilt, self doubt, misplaced responsibility…
I took bad days hour by hour…. I read up on Trauma bonds, podcasts… other days I was filled with energy, I started to do things which my husband had stopped me doing.

You will need time to recover as you have been through so much, your emotions will be all over the place at the moment.

HFH ❤️

[wildandfree]

Well done for leaving! It takes immense strength.

Don’t expect to feel wonderful straight away. Breakups are hard, but when combined with controlling, abusive behaviour they are off the scale. I think I cried every day for months.

A really good book I read recently was ‘Was it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham. It really helped me to put things into perspective. And practical things to do too to help rebuild your sense of self.
For me I found journalling helped. Write it all out. Get all the anger and sadness out. I sometimes look back on those days I thought I would be broken forever and I am so proud that I didn’t go back.

Be gentle on yourself. Healing takes time but you can do it.

[StrongLife]

In the first weeks there was contact, escalating threats, calls, lawyers letters etc. I also personally made a lot of decisions. He escalated a lot prior to my relocation.

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