Viewing 10 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #14327
      Starmoon
      Participant

      So his brother is probably the least like the rest of the family… Seems sweet and a little simple in the nicest way possible. He’s much older than me but his wife is my age. They recently separated because she decided she didn’t love him anymore. I was always very close to her but in the run up to their split she didn’t treat him very well in my opinion and I sort of sided with him… Because I could relate to his heart brake.
      Today I reactivated Facebook after a very long period of time… I can’t say I interns to perminantly be back on there but it was nice to see what people were up to. I’d avoided being on there because of my now ex and all the trouble it (or rather he)caused while I was on it. But since he’s left me, I didn’t see any harm in logging back on. I uploaded a few pictures of the children as I hadn’t been able to share them while I was with him because of him twisting why I was doing things. His brother instantly commented on the pictures… He made 3 or 4 comments asking how I was and if I wanted to chat. I eventually sent him a private msg saying I didn’t want any trouble but that I still wanted him and the rest of the family to see the children. He said he’d bring his son over in the week (his son is the same age as my daughter). I don’t know if he genuinely wants to be amicable or if him and my ex are plotting something…..

    • #14331
      Eve1
      Participant

      Starmoon, a warning bell is sounding to me here. My ex was the younger ‘sweeter’ brother of a bully. Turns out his bullying behaviours were just buried more deeply but they came out eventually. His Mum is very dominating. I met the family through his sister, who is also a very mild character. I wish I’d never got involved with the family. There is something toxic about them.

      It sounds as though you are already being very cautious about his brother. Are they close? I would be very careful in your dealings with him.

      Eve
      x

    • #14333
      Starmoon
      Participant

      The whole family is very controlling, my ex is the youngest and by all accounts the favorite of four brothers. His mum seems to have the impression that he is golden but it’s clear that not one of them is. The other two are so blatently cruel to their wives and they must be long suffering abuse victims. The brother that has messeged me never seemed that way but then he was on his third wife so who knows… I won’t divulge into conversation with any of them any more anyway- I had already decided that was the best thing to do.
      Thank you for your reply xx

    • #14334
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      Hiya Starmoon – well it’s difficult – only you know him best and would know IF he WAS being genuine and nice – some people are just genuinely nice, kind, people, who do care and mean no harm.

      But then that’s my problem – I’M too nice – I always see the best in people, and I trust them.

      I was badly let down by my exes family, me AND my daughter got the blame for the breakdown of the marriage – it was never HIS fault!!! None of them believed for a second that HE just might have done anything wrong!!!
      Is it so hard to see he’s ‘like father like son’ – his father is a stage worse that him, a really nasty, vindictive man. He controlled his wife and children, and ‘ruled with a rod of iron’. I hate to think what his poor wife has had to put up with over the years.

      Yet they all refused to believe their brother/son was incapable of the same…..

      They have ALL cut me and my daughter out of the family, no contact from ANY of them – only exception being my daughter does get a birthday card from his sister – but that’s all – no Xmas card, no money….while my son on the other hand gets money and cards from them all for both birthday AND Xmas – they treat boys differently in that family – boys are ‘prized’ and ‘put on a pedestal’ – they are ‘the golden ones’ – girls on the other hand are treated as a lower class, and easily cast aside – for you see it’s boys who carry on the family name – and that’s important to the grandfather.

      I don’t care how they treat me, but it disgusts me how they have cast aside my daughter.

      The sister was the one member of the family who I thought had some decency about her, but no, she stood by her brother too.
      The one brother had been especially nasty, defriending his niece on Facebook, and he actually went as far as sending Xmas money the first year, and telling his brother to tell me, to tell my daughter “that her card and money were at her father’s, IF she would go and see him she would get it” …..if she refused to go “the card and cheque was to be ripped up” – she refused to see her father – and so now gets nothing. Whilst her brother who sees his dad every week gets gifts and cards from them, how nasty is that to treat them both so differently.

      I’m really surprised at how nasty and vindictive they have been to their granddaughter/neice. She’s still family, still their fresh and blood – how can they be so mean, and nasty, all because I left their son/brother.
      I’m really disappointed in them, but now I can see what they are all REALLY like…..

      So you think carefully Starmoon, maybe he IS the ONE decent, genuine one amongst them all, but you are the only one who really knows him…..we don’t.

      Take care.

      x*x

      • #14335
        Starmoon
        Participant

        Like you, I think I see the good in people too much… I hope for the best in them at least. I would like to think he was being genuine but I suppose weighing up the odds… They aren’t in favor of him being a nice guy.
        He certainly never seemed to control or belittle his wife in the way the others did… If anything, she seemed to be the one wearing the trousers.
        How horrible of the family to single out your daughter like that. I thought we lived in modern equal times… Certainly my own dad and brother are modern men.. In fact my dads dad was a modern man… My family believe in treating women equally. Perhaps why it slipped past me that my own partner wasn’t on the same page at all.
        His family are much the same over girls and women although it obviously wasn’t initially obvious. They have seemingly ditched and forgotten the older granddaughters… And his brothers (their dads) just don’t seem interested in their daughters once they are no longer children. Their grandmother isn’t either… It’s like she sits on her thrown watching her boys and allowing them to treat women- even their own children as if they are nothing. Non of this was clear to me until recently although I don’t know why.
        I was glad that I had daughters… I was dreading having a son with him because the boys are bought up in that fighty sort of way… If they punch or kick its excused because he is a boy…
        But then the girls are second class citizens! I hope I manage to find the strength to be able to show my daughters that is not how women should be treated. And your daughter will get that strength from you too xx

      • #14361
        mixed-up mum
        Participant

        Hiya Starmoon – well I guess I’m just a very gullible, and let folk trample all over me – I just don’t like fights or rows or falling out – I’d rather remain on civil terms with them all – after all I w*d once a member of the family, they knew me for over two decades – I’d brought two children into the family – and yet all of that now means nothing to any of them.

        I was a great support to the one brother when his wife left him, he came to me when he was low and depressed, and I’d listen, and advise him (we were 100s of miles apart) he would regularly text and ring me…..and then I find out many years down the line (after I left him) my ex actually thought I was having an affair with his brother – there was no truth in that – I was just being a good sister-in-law and supporting him – but my husband actually accused me of having an affair – though we lived 100s of miles apart and only ever saw him once or twice a year!!! Talk about jealous and possessive!!!

        I believe in giving people a chance – ’til they prove you wrong…..but I guess most others on here will think I’m wrong…..

        In fact I’m in a bit of a dilemma at the moment, there is a baby due in his family soon – and its not in my nature to be nasty and vindictive – so I’d like to buy the baby a present – but then as I said all of his family have chosen to turn their backs on me and my daughter – so I guess I should just do the same with them…..but I feel so bad doing that, that’s not ME – that’s not the kind of person I am….and I feel bad ‘lowering myself to their level’ by ignoring the poor baby.

        It was not just MY daughter who was treated badly by ‘the family’ the other brothers ex wife and her daughter were treated just the same – I stood on the sidelines and watched how they where treated (whilst still ‘in the family’) I saw how badly they all treated her – but I was WAY too scared to stand out from them and stand up for the ex wife and her daughter.

        Girls in the family are tolerated – so long as they do what is expected of them, and do as they are told – but cross the line and stand up for yourself, and you will be cut out of the family….girls are not allowed a voice or an opinion…..

        The sons of ‘The Godfather’ are all the same as him, to varying degrees, I’d say my ex was the worst, but then I never lived with the others ….so who knows….
        One brother I got on with and he seemed nice enough, until I left my ex and then they all ‘banded together’ and I saw a different side to him ….
        The other brother was always and arrogant, snobbish, selfish man, whom I never liked – he always looked down on me and my ex (when we were together) and we were treated like ‘poor country cousins’ – like we were ignorant and knew nothing…..

        I tell you this – I now know what they are REALLY LIKE – and I know we are better off away from them – but it still hurts nonetheless that they could so easily turn their back on me and my daughter after more than two decades in the family…..

        Whatever you decide to do – you will know in your heart thats the right thing.

        Take care.

        x*x

    • #14341
      White Rose
      Participant

      Hi star moon
      The brother is on his 3rd wife!!!!
      I’d not trust him but there’s no reason your children can’t have time to play together while you and he talk general things like the weather!! you could always suggest he goes away and collects child later?
      Be careful pretend he’s the dad of one of your children’s friends and don’t let him pump you for info spend all the time talking about the children not you, and if he starts talking about your ex just say politely you don’t want to discuss and this is between you and ex and no one else.
      I’m lucky my ex family are my rock. They’ve all been hurt by him over the years. There’s one exception who is very close to my ex and every time I see her and her husband they’re always pumping me for info about my life, the husband says weird things like “you having fun and enjoying yourself now” I just say I’m ok thanks and leave it at that.
      Take care and be careful and more imoortantly don’t let him upset you xx

    • #14343
      Starmoon
      Participant

      It always seemed he was the one heart broken by his past relationships where as the other brothers are out right narcissists- definitely the eldest is and the others ones wife is just a shell. He blatently talks to his wife like dirt but says it in a way that he thinks it’s funny. Clearly no one els thinks it is. Even my ex would remark how horrible he was to her… At least he’s obvious about how he treats her.. My ex was so covert it’s next to impossible to explain to anyone what he’s done to me. I always thought that my ex was very similar to his eldest brother and the one who is horrible to his wife… The ironic thing is- my ex hates his eldest brother, doesn’t talk to him at all and on the edge of falling out with the other one constantly. He always always said that him and the brother that emailed me were the most similar but I see no similarities at all. He seems to genuinely care (although I could be wrong) about other people’s feelings and on a number of occasions in the past actually told me that my partner was an (detail removed by Moderator) for how he treated me.
      I think all his brothers are fully aware of what my ex is like… They’ve told me as much but their values are to c**k anyway so they probably don’t care. And for his mum to say that I deserved for him to leave me while I was losing his baby… Well she’s as messed up as they are

    • #14347
      KIP.
      Participant

      Do not do it. In my experience blood is always thicker than water. Even if you meet up and it goes well, you will spend days wondering if you said too much or something slipped that will get back to his brother. You are already questioning things. My ex is pouring out a sob story to anyone who will listen about how he is withdrawn and victimised by me! He raped and abused me for decades, has a criminal conviction but still boo hoos to anyone that will listen. Me on the other hand as a real victim is trying not to talk about my abuse and my ex and move on. I would be uneasy with a man who spills too much.
      Don’t take this the wrong way because I have been in your position but I think you are nowhere near healed and strong enough to handle getting involved with his family. It sounds like it would be no big loss if you didn’t meet up. Facebook is not a good idea either. I never went back on. I just email my friends any pictures or info. Please take care. I’m only saying this because I can see your vulnerability x x

    • #14351
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I have no intention of meeting his brother in the light of day. I’d had a few drinks last night so it possibly crossed my mind for the sake of coming accross amicably but actually I have nothing to prove to them. And they all see things in a totally warped way anyway. To them he is the victim just as your ex (I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been threw so much- but glad you seem strong and he is at least convicted). I was always so concerned in that they didn’t hate me, keen to make them all happy and prove I’m not a bad person but it doesn’t matter what I do- they will always think I am and that their son is hard done by. There’s no point trying to change their mind. The more I gave to him and them, the more he seemed to want and the more of myself I lost. I can’t imagine ever being friends with anyo of them.

    • #14354
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done👏👏 the fog is lifting and your self esteem and confidence are coming right back🌷🌷 good for you. You deserve better and don’t need their approval. You take that power right back😃

    • #14366
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi hUn

      I just read your post and my gut instinct warns me to tell u to keep away from the whole family, you dont want any contact with any of them

    • #14480
      Starmoon
      Participant

      After yesterday it’s obvious that they are all in on it. I won’t be speaking to any of them

Viewing 10 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account