What to say?

[Chestnut]

Hi
I would really appreciate some advice on how you left, what did you say? I copying important paperwork and sorting my bank accounts so when I can go I can just go, I don’t want to be hanging around. We have a joint mortgage, but he is not currently working, I am so I can’t just get up and go as I am liable for it, but I also own less than 50% of the house (legal paperwork in place about this) so I will be one who has to go. I don’t want any aspect of the house but also know I can’t just run away with my name on things. No physical things going on all emotional, mental and I am concerned this is going to be a manipulative nightmare. How did you manage it, mention your concerns about behaviour and you going, make something up in hope they can’t find an argument against it? Any suggestions?

[Escapee]

Hi Chestnut,

I was in a good position that I could just pack up and go; no children and no liability. In order to avoid the manipulation and head games I decided to take the blame (I’d tried it the other way around but the consequences were so bad I decided to halt the drama and let him blame me – he would of anyhow. I was just too exhausted to engage with it all whilst getting out.)

I also moved into temporary accommodation whilst packing up and waiting for all the paperwork to be sorted.

A friend of mine left her husband many years ago, he stayed at the house. Her name was (still is) on the mortgage but she works with the lender to sort issues out…..she refuses to pay anything. There has been a lot of issues for her but it is possible for you to walk.

Have you got advice from WA or a solicitor?

I’m sorry this isn’t more informative but I didn’t want you to go without a response plus it’ll push your post back up the pile xx

[Chestnut]

Thank you, everything is informative as I am struggling how to do this. I do not want to be pulled back in and want to make sure there is no chance I can be manipulated back as it has happened before. Thank you I am going to try and think of something that he can’t twist and question. I read the Bancroft book which was amazing, but downloaded the healing from hidden abuse book yesterday and felt like I was reading about the last x years of my life! I have had flowers (detail removed by Moderator) and actually feel physical sick. I have managed to very quickly photo lots of paperwork on my phone but sadly the one very important legal document I need about the house is not there. I think I need to get some legal advice to check where I stand in all this. Your reply is really appreciated. I feel that I am lucky in lots of ways as not violent,can intimidate but the warping is mind bending. I no longer know what is true and what isn’t so this is helping to ground me, a long with a lot of reading!

[Lottieblue]

My biggest piece of advice is to speak to a lawyer – but not just any lawyer, make sure you find one who specialises in DA. Your local WA will have a list. Not only will the lawyer know your legal position but will be very experienced in dealing with this type of man.
I have spoken to two lawyers. The first is, I believe, a top-notch divorce lawyer. She was expensive and fixated on what I was entitled to. I asked her where the DA came into it and she simply said that if he didn’t play ball then I could claim unreasonable behaviour. (I should probably specify that this isn’t England so not English law). I came away feeling scared.
A couple of months later I went to someone recommended by WA. She was amazing! She was so matter of fact – it wasn’t all about what I would (Could) get out of a divorce, but how I could safely get away, and then how I could look after myself and the children having done so. She knew what I would be up against and she had all the answers there already.

She was also very discreet. I got a follow up email (to a safe address) just lying everything out, and saying h thy is is it, you won’t hear from me again until I hear from you saying that you want a letter sent (ie when I tell her I’ve left).

It is the best thing I’ve done in the whole process. Be sure to do it – you will so much more powerful. X*x

[Chestnut]

Thank you both. I am going to get some legal advice so know exactly where I stand. (detail removed by Moderator) I feel like I am remotely watching a text book of everything I have read. It is a very strange sensation but also incredibly liberating!thanks again x

[Rubymurray]

Chestnut – similar situation right here , i can relate a lot. I too read a book or two and lightbulb moment’s and it all making sense in front of my eyes most days… keep reading and talking in here, it’ll help so so so much. xx

Lottieblue – when you approached that 2nd great solictor, were you paying at that initial stage? How do i get more than a couple of free phone calls when im not working & little money?? Do we have to start paying someine at this stage if we need the support?? They sounded great, I’d like to know what kind of advice she gave you on when leaving and looking after yourself & children?

[Iwantmeback]

I’m interested too @Lottieblue. Could I pm you

[Author]

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