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I’m making plans to get out, but the thing I keep getting stuck on is what to say to him (whether that ends up being verbal or in a letter). Do I tell him I’m leaving because he’s been abusive? Or just say stuff like not happy, don’t love you anymore etc?
He’s going to be devastated when we go, and I’m not sure to what extent he knows what he’s doing. I’m pretty sure that even if he knows what he’s doing then he doesn’t know the effect on me and the children. I will prioritize our safety, but once we are safe I still want to be kind to him. I don’t think this is through misplaced loyalty (though maybe I’m kidding myself), it’s just that he’s a human and I know how upset he’ll be and so I feel being kind is the right thing to do. Plus, if I say nothing then what might happen to a woman who gets into a relationship with him in future?
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You say nothing to him. He knows exactly what he is doing and exactly how it affects you and his children. That’s why he does it. He chooses to behave this was and nothing you can do will change that. They use fear guilt and obligation to manipulate us. Google trauma bonding. Being kind to him will not change him or help your situation. He will just take advantage of the situation. You need to be prepared to go total no contact and use solicitors for legal issues and children. You owe him nothing and he will use your kindness against you to destroy you. Work with women’s aid on a safety plan. They will help you through this. His devastation will come from losing his ability to control and destroy you and your mental health. They are great actors. While mine appeared devastated he was emptying our joint bank account and cheating on me. Don’t believe a word he says. If he cared for you, you wouldn’t be leaving x
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Just wanted to say I agree with other replies. When mine was devastated and sobbing in my kitchen he was clearing joint bank accounts, getting an aggressive solicitor and swearing my name to everyone so when I was being kind to him he was setting me up. I was completely isolated because of this.
You are feeling sorry for a person who has consistently abusive and controlling. Why do you feel sorry for him? He is manipulating you. He will see himself as the victim because all abusers feel they have the right to abuse there partners. They feel sorry for themselves like a child when they can’t get away with it. It must be so hard for him Haha!
I hate to be hard but he expects you to soften and be kind. It’s worked before. My advice cut contact to minimum. You are crazy to let him come to your house when police are involved. He will lie and if/ when he gets abusive again you will not be believed or helped. I have heard about kind women who do what you do and end up with a restraining order. Call wa to talk through with them.
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Thank you for your replies. You’ve convinced me. A few days ago I had been thinking I would tell him face to face and ask him to leave but now I’m thinking I will just leave then sort out getting the house back later.
Do you know if I could get in trouble for just taking the children away from him? If I leave then I’d have to go quite a long way away to start with.
He has been so unstable today.
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Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. You can also get advice from the helpline number on here. Your local women’s aid. There are refuges available too where you can be safe with your kids until you’re settled. The refuge will also help you with the legal side of things. You can also get half hour free consultations with local family solicitors. Keep a journal and gather evidence if you can. No one can blame you for leaving with your children when it’s not safe to stay. Your solicitor will tell you what you can and cannot do. Perhaps other women with children who have fled can advise you.
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