What to tell your children?

[Newst@rt]

Hello everyone.

I left my emotionally, sexually and financially abusive ex earlier this year and returned to the UK from overseas with my two young children. We have zero contact. My children have accepted the move, have rarely wanted to speak to their father, and rarely ask about him. At first I thought they were oblivious but the more I read about abuse the more I realise that my eldest in particular is likely confused, burying his emotions or has suffered some trauma due to his father’s behaviour towards the three of us. How would you deal with this? I try to answer the rare questions he has honestly but without going in to too much details, but it feels to me as though there’s this this big elephant in the room that we’re not speaking about.

When my children were born my ex wouldn’t let me treat them as a priority, and I felt denied that special, precious time in the early years. It has left me traumatised to the point that I find walking through baby shops and departments very upsetting. I’ve always attachment parented, partly due to what felt like an urgent need to keep them close to me, but I also strongly agree with the principles of this style of parenting. We live close to my parents but my mum is an alcoholic (and I’m starting to believe she was abusive when I was growing up) and so I don’t have anyone I can rely on for childcare. I’m slowly starting to make friends, but my confidence is very low so we don’t have a lot of support around us. I’m constantly exhausted, feel as though I never have any time, and feel increasingly irritable with my children, particularly my eldest, and I hate myself when I snap or shout at him as isn’t the kind of parent I want to be, I know they only have me to rely on now, and I know they need my love and support now more than any other time.

My eldest is at school and my youngest will be starting pre-school for a couple of afternoons a week soon, so I’ll have some time to myself. I also have a doctors appointment next week where I’m hoping to start anti-depressants. I don’t want to, but know I need to be the best mum I can be for my children. I’ve had a lot of counselling, I’ve ordered some books recommended on the forum, and have also contact the da charity about joining a group for a seven week course next year. Other than what I’m trying to do to get better, how can I deal with my feelings or irritability (and occasionally anger) towards my children? I constantly feel as though I’m failing and that I’m not enough, that I’m not good enough.

Thank you xx

[Put the kettle on]

Hi, have you tried journalling- writing it all down, your thoughts and feelings, without any filter or judgments. Then you can rip it up if you want.

I’m a single mum too and have no support network so I the feel extra pressure of being the only one looking after my child. I too hate it when I’m feeling irritable so I’m trying to ask myself OK what’s wrong with me- tired? Hungry? Need to get outside? Usually all of the above. Can you wrap kids up and go for a walk, even if it’s just for ten minutes or so. I think a change of scenery works wonders, this time of year is nice for the kids to look at the houses decorated with lights and I know we feel better for fresh air and a bit of exercise.

There is children’s counseling available so it might be worth visiting doctors and/or chatting to school. Personally I would say to eldest a brief simple explanation like you’re living in separate houses but you both still love the kids and it was between mum and dad, reassure your kids it wasn’t anything to do with them and that they’re loved and you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready to talk

[Put the kettle on]

Also maybe write down 3 or more things each day you’re grateful for, doesn’t have to be anything big. Could be cup of tea while kids played/were asleep, watching cartoons with kids, stuff you might not have been able to do before. Plus do you make sure you have some you time, self care? I found it really hard to find time at first but when I realised I’ve not been looking after myself I make it a priority like washing pots. Again doesn’t have to be anything big, could be a bubble bath, reading, watching TV, starting a hobby, putting on face cream, clean bedding – little things that make you feel better.

[fizzylem]

Hey NS, when you feel like a failing mum and not good enough it is usually a sign you don’t have enough support. You’re playing catch up all the time, juggling a lot of balls and without a minute for you – so become tired and irritable – your needs are likely last on the list and don’t get met at all most days atm from what you’ve described.

I think you’re going to start feeling much better once your youngest starts pre-school and you start the group. You’re going to have a couple of afternoons a week soon, so try not to fill this time with jobs, maybe one after noon get some jobs done and the other make ‘my afternoon’ to spend as you like? Or hell, take them both as my afternoons for now! This time is for you, to meet up with a friend, go swimming or to a class or veg on the sofa – spend it however you feel you want to – no jobs!

Google ‘Winnicott the good enough mother’ – Winnicott recognised that all mum’s need a third leg, doesn’t matter who this support is and it can come from many places, but when trying to do it alone it leaves the mum feeling like she’s failing when she’s not, what she needs is more support.

Go and discuss anti-depressants with the GP of course, I get that there may be a lot more going on than you have written, naturally, but it sounds to me like the answer here is not anti-depressants, it’s to work on widening and strengthening your support network and to adjust things so that you can better meet your needs – when we carry on doing the same at a fast pace we reach burnout eventually – then we’re no good to anyone ;and when you’re already up to capacity everyday there’s no room for anything else, so if something happens and you suddenly find yourself needing to find more it can tip us over the edge!

The irritibilty is likely you in need of some time to yourself, and you’re tired, you need a break and a rest. Once you’ve had ‘me time’, time just to be you not mum every waking minute, and you’re back with the kids again you feel recharged and ready for them – feel ‘ok I can do this!’

I would suggest that for a while you focus on working out what is it I need here, now, today, tmorrow, this week and give this to yourself – do this for a period of time and you’ll start to feel back to your old self, maybe even better than before?

Barnardos or the NSPCC could help your eldest – especially now you have removed him from the abusive situation and he’s getting settled. Perhaps he needs some one to one support with a professional – to be on the safe side. You’ve said his father was abusive to all three of you and that he’s been seperated from him – this is a lot for a wee man to deal with isn’t. If it were me I’d get him some emotional support to help him adjust. If he doesnt want to talk about things then fine, because what this would do is boost his self esteem if nothing else – chances are this is much needed atm after what he’s gone through – so it will help him in some way, and maybe if he’s not ready to talk this would be a positive experience for him so that he knows what counselling is and feels happy to do it again whenever he is ready to talk.

For now, to address the elephant in the room, I would maybe say something like, I know it’s been difficult for you, living with your dad, moving country and now not seeing him anymore, so I’d like you to know I am always here for you if you feel you’d like to talk about what has happened, now or in the future, in fact I’m here whenever you’d like to talk about anything – please know that you can always come to me and talk about anything, I’m your mum and always here to help; if you haven’t already of course; and maybe that’s enough for now? Sometimes just knowing the door is always open can help to make a start xx

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