What was the last push to leave?

[BlueberryField]

I know there’s probably not many women use this forum after leaving their abusive relationships, but I’m hoping there are still a few left. So to the ones who left – what was the last thing that pushed you to make that final decision and leave? How many attemps in general did it take you?
I’m sorry if I’m asking too much. I understand everyone is different and for one person it could take 1 attempt to leave forever, whereas someone else might need 20 attemps to finally end it.

I already tried to leave twice but both times ended up coming back home the following day.. Even know I keep telling myself I am ready to leave, I am done living like this, BUT I am still here waiting for something and I don’t know what. I feel sometimes that I’m waiting for another big abusive outburst and think it will finally push me to leave.

This is why I was wondering how many attemps it took for other or what was that actual last thing that made you think “this is it, I am leaving” and you actually ended up leaving without coming back?

[StrongLife]

The last straw was the fact I nearly got hurt severely and he took pets. Neighbours convinced me in end. Gave myself 1 hr to pack and leave.

Between six – 8 attempts of varying success plus extended holiday.

[BlueberryField]

I always say after the last outburst this is it I’m leaving. Yesterday over a little thing that wasn’t even my fault he got so angry very late at night and basically was trying to kick me out together with our baby.
We live in the middle of nowhere, he knows I have no car, no money, no friends (thanks to him) and my family is far away.

It is one thing to tell me to leave but with our son? After yesterday I lost any “guilt” I had about leaving or feeling bad for him because he is struggling.

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart. i know how cold & callous they can be when doing this sort of thing, especially when being so incredibly vulnerable & so severely isolated.
are you in touch with your local domestic abuse service at all, as they could support you whilst you are trying to dealing with this horrible situation. and only if you actually wanted to, they could also help you with any options moving forward.
please know that there is a lot of help & support out there if you need it – you certainly do not have to go through any of this alone.
try in the meantime to keep you & your baby as stay as safe as you can x

[BlueberryField]

I have been talking to them before, at the very moment I am only using this forum, since this is the only place where I can truly say what the situation is and what I feel like, because everyone here are going or been through the exact same situation and I know everyone here will understand truly what it is like with no hidden judgements.

We are in NI and last time I contacted local women’s aid they said all refugees are taken even in other towns around. I will contact them again to check what the situation is like now and if it’s still the same talk to them about possible solution.

[selfish]

I haven’t left yet, but I’ve been making plans to, and hopefully will soon. I know if I’m strong enough to get away, I’ll be gone. Will only have minimal contact for the kids sake. I’m done. For me it wasn’t even one big thing that opened my eyes, it was just daily name calling and blame, and i don’t know why but I started to research abuse, and it clicked. Stories from woman whose experiences of abuse was exactly what was happening to me. And when I finally opened up to a friend, although not they were not surprised, they were shocked at the extent of what was happening. It opened my eyes to how my children were affected, and my relationships with friends and family. Now I can’t forgive him. He’s trying hard, as he found out some of my plans, but everyday I’m a bit more sad, more empty, and the feeling this could be my life overwhelms me. All I can say is trust your instincts, it’s taken me over half my adult life to get to this place, I wouldn’t have been ready even 6 months ago, I had to see it for myself, and realise how badly it affected me.
I’m wishing you the best, and please keep talking. It helps. X*x

[BlueberryField]

I’m in the same situation. Just to my surprise I had opened up once to his mum and it turned out she lived the same life with his father. So I guess the apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree.. He is abusive to his own family too, I have heard from every single one of them that if they had a chance they would all move far away just to stay away from him..

Stay strong! It took me over 2 years to stop feeling bad and guilty for him. Because he always had bad relationships with everyone and I always felt bad that his closest people are turning their backs on him, etc. He would sit at home crying.. Even though the reality is nobody actually turned any backs on him, just nobody is ignoring his abuse anymore and taking any s**t from him, when they get attacked, only because Mr wasn’t in the mood. But I understand why they do that and I don’t blame them. I kind of wish he was left alone. Maybe then it would give him a tiny idea that he can’t treat people like s**t all his life and expect them to “get over it”.

I hope that me and you both leave soon these toxic and abusive environments. I am million % sure we will be so much happier with our children away from these monsters.

[minimeerkat]

witnessing the true extent of their cruelty – the gloating after inflicting so much pain x

[BlueberryField]

I have noticed the same thing. Even heard his family saying a few times that he somehow “gets off” and gets so happy after putting somebody down or making them angry. And it is true. Just recently he wasn’t in the mood so decided to annoy and insult his other 2 family members. He treated them worse than piece of 💩, after a massive argument he got so happy afterwards! It is so weird and disgusting to watch. He does the same thing with me all the time.

[Copevarde]

Hey thanks for your message..My exs behaviour was escalating , he was drinking heavily every night and very angry and drug use.

I had no plans to leave, I spent hours upon hours upkn hours reading forums and researching when he was out on drinking sessions . I actually became very very angry and resentful of him. I realised nothing served me anymore I didn’t even get any love anymore- just nasty verbal abuse.

When I left I took my daughter and my dog and very few things but I was in crisis when I left and the only thing that kept me sane was not seeing him, and only talking about my daughter.

The emotional and Pyshcological abuse when I left was probably almost the worst he had ever been and when I was vulnerable it was hard.

BUT its 9 months on and slowly slowly slowly that trauma bond is detaching. I no longer feel sorry for him.

He blamed me for so much. He drank because of me and I was s**m. After many years you belive what they tell you is true.

Sending you so much love ❤️

You can do it when and if its right for you. Xxxxxxxxzz

[BlueberryField]

Mine is drinking often too. I was lucky that yesterday he wasn’t drinking. I think if he had, I would have ended up beaten so bad, over the fact that HE FORGOT something.. it was just another case that he wasn’t in the mood all day and needed to release his anger on someone, which is always ME.

I am constantly blamed for everything too, I could do somethint perfect, but he will still think of something negative.
Any time I mentioned leaving he always blames me for ruining the best years of his life, but I was never holding him to stay with me. He was the one who never let me go and still doesn’t!! But yet I am ruining his life? He got so abusive yesterday and today he’s acting all normal as if nothing had happened. It makes me sick. I wish he just left the house and went somewhere, but instead he decided to stay home for a few days now. It will be the longest few days.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. I feel like once I will leave, at first it will be the usual begging to come back, that will follow with even more threats and abuse once he sees that this time is for real.

[Bananaboat]

It felt gradual, like I kept setting myself targets – if he’s nasty this event I’ll leave then I wouldn’t. Like others his behaviour escalated over time, that linked with learning more about abuse allowed the rose tinted glasses to drop. I recognised that I hated weekends, feared his returns home, couldn’t plan a life with my kids.

Like you I keep saying one more incident and I’ll go, I told him it was over after a physical event and I called the police but a few weeks later I took him back. Then one day something broke inside and I stood firm. Living together for months after was tough but telling someone helped, having a new house meant I couldn’t back out when the FOG was strong.

Some people leave big bang, some have to give X number of chances – there’s no right or wrong way. They also say it takes on average 7 attempts so be kind to yourself. This isn’t like leaving a normal relationship x

[BlueberryField]

I think until I do not have a place to go, I will never be ready. The last time I was offered the same refugee place I was in before, but the problem is since then one of his family members have moved in that area, there is no chance I would be risking taking up that space and put other women who live there in danger.

[Bananaboat]

Have you contacted the local council housing? I got classed as homeless while still living with him and privately renting in joint names, it took a few months but that was an enormous help

[BlueberryField]

I haven’t contacted them yet, but I was recently thinking of this. I was just scared that they would end up sending me a letter to our house or calling me whenever he’s home. But someone on here told me they did the same and if you explained your situation they would be very careful in how they are contacting you.
But for some reason I am still scared to take this step. I know if I got the house that would be it, no way back and it would be a good thing. But I still can’t take that most important 1st step..

[Mellow]

For me the abuse got worse it was not physical no it was emotional he started triangulating me with women but it was very blatant he started posting provocative videos on social media for me to see and more of them together as if we weren’t in a relationship.he also then acted like nothing At happened it took all this and me speaking out about his behaviour to realise there was more to it .i realised he constantly gaslighted me but I didn’t know what gas lighting actually was at the time or how to describe it until I confided in a friend.my friend and another one said what I was experiencing was not right and they was even very angry and couldn’t believe a man I had children with very young .they couldn’t believe what he was doing and so blatantly.i looked back on the relationship and realised it had gone on the whole relationship this triggered me to have ptsd and tinnitus I had nightmares and panic attacks when I used to think about him .my sleep was disturbed he was living a double life .he used to torment me the thing what also stood out was he was on his phone 24/7 and guarded it with his life and turned it over at the time I laughed it off but he was cheating that wasn’t all he was also deceitful in other ways I can’t forgive I left I didn’t say a word packed everything up and my kids and left but I really had no where to go I ended up returning but I told him I wanted the relationship to end he was hesitant but deep down I think the triangulation gor worse because he was planning to leave anyway he in my eyes got what he wanted from me.these people are users I built him up financially and gave him things no one else could I don’t forgive him I wasted a decade and I’m disgusted I’m upset for not knowing and brushing things off but I’ll just tell you this it never gets better only worse

[BlueberryField]

Mine does the same. We could be driving somewhere together and he would be looking up and down every single woman that walks past and tell me how sexy they look or what he would do to them. It’s disgusting. He creadet a social media profile where I know he adds random women and when I confronted him about it and said why he is not adding me since we live together and have a child together, he said it’s his private thing. So other women are important enough to see his private posts and etc, but not me. Like I know he doesn’t care about me, but with all these things at least I stopped believing in all that rare lovebombing or him talking about our future. Before it was nice hearing it, but now I just sit quiet pretending I’m listening, but in reality I don’t even care anymore. I feel so much happier just from the thought of being in a refugee house alone with my child than his b******t stories about our non-existant future.
And he has the decency to tell me that if he ever lost his mind and started going around with other women and partying, I need to get him out of that state and get him back to our family. Each day that passes I find him more and more repulsive and he thinks it’s all the same. He will abuse me and because he pretends everything is normal, I will do the same.

[Mellow]

I also threatened to leave so many times and he used to say that I wouldn’t he knew I wasn’t strong enough at that time and they know you won’t go.i even asked him to end it for me he would not do it.triangulation got so bad I think he was doing it to another woman but with me either that or he was deleting my photos and only sending her pictures of him and the kids it was so wierd.he had another woman but acted as if I didn’t exist and I started noticing it but she knew about me and he sometimes would talk to her whilst I was at home or in the room it was very abusive I can’t even believe I am writing it and I allowed it to go on for sure long

[BlueberryField]

Mine used to always say he will leave, but never did. Now it changed to, attacking me and telling me to pack my stuff and leave. Only thing I tell him now to watch what he wishes for because it will become a reality one day. Then every single time he goes somewhere he constantly video calls me randomly. He never does that on any other day unless he needs something, that’s why I know he’s checking if I didn’t run away.

[Hereforhelp]

3 attempts to leave over a long period of time …. what made me stick to the 3rd attempt… to raise my children in an abuse free home propelled me forward along with seeing a photograph of myself whereby I didn’t recognise myself as my ex had taken everything from me.

Realising he hadn’t changed over the decades married together so he wasn’t going to change in the future..the ‘nice’ him wasn’t real and was part of the abuse cycle.

There were a lot of factors which propelled me to leave.

Massive hugs ❤️
HFH

[Bananaboat]

That’s true, rereading old texts was one for me and I realised I’d received the same apology almost word for word each time, with no change x

[BlueberryField]

This reminded me of seeing an old picture of myself years back before we started living together and then a recent one. The change just in the looks is horrible. I remember how happy I always used to feel and was smiling every day, full of energy. Now, constant feeling of emptiness and no energy, motivation to do even the most simple task. I always think to myself the only sunshine in this dark life I have now is my child.

I agree with you, they will never change. I remember all those times of him crying, his tears and empty promises of him changing and how he will treat me.. It’s not that he hadn’t changed a single bit, but he’s getting even worse with time.

[StrongLife]

I called a help line a few times after getting numbers. They put me in touch with accommodation. However, I remained in same home (wanting to keep kids in familiar situations- school) This was a mistake. I had opportunities to relocate with kids and too scared to take it and dv help not good enough at time as it is now. I was only ready to go personally when he threatened animals and my life. I really thought I would be next (I was right). I had people not coming to house, no visitors just “in case” he turned up. It was constantly on my mind.

Now yrs later. I’m safe in different house. He does not know where I live. People are around me I can go to and I control own money. I have nice home and it’s different. I’m in counseling but considered stopping it. Clearly in future I will.

I am lucky to be alive.

[BlueberryField]

It is so scary when they threaten your life and especially when you know those threats are not empty but they are actually capable of something so horrible. At least for me these threats stick to me in such a way that no name calling, downgrading or any other manipulation does.

I am so so happy to hear you are safe with your children!

[Happybelle]

I havent quite managed it but (detail removed by Moderator) I told him to go and that he needs to leave. He hasnt gone yet, Im sure it will be another dispute (detail removed by Moderator) but I’m ok with that. Finally.
Last push here has been that I thought we were getting somewhere. He had been quiet for a couple of days and more normal. Then (detail removed by Moderator) I got back from work and straight away he was on at me to get money. More aggressive than ever, really really nasty. I was sitting (detail removed by Moderator) and he was flapping his arms about and getting ajitated and screaming at me. He then swiped his hand to hit the (detail removed by Moderator) where Iw as sitting and I thought “thats eough now – this is ridiculous and utterly terrifying”. I also thought that if I dont do it now then will it now get worse. First time I ever thought he might give me a slap or something. Ive never felt that before. So enough is truly enough.

[BlueberryField]

Good for you, you stood your ground, keep it this way and do not let him intimidate you more. With me it started with flapping his hands around or light pushing at first until slowly it gradually escalated into a serious physical abuse with choking, bruises on face, cut lip, threats with a knife, etc.

I do hope he leaves your house and you finally get to live in peace!

[AloneWolf]

I think I tried to leave maybe 5 times before I finally left him for good (detail removed by moderator). It’s all very new for me. The time before this time, I actually felt brave enough to tell some friends. They were very supportive. Then he did the being nice thing they do. A friend suggested I take him somewhere public to have a conversation, so I asked him if we could go (detail removed by moderator) after work one day, just me and him. He agreed and funnily enough we had a very adult conversation where I set some boundaries and he agreed to them. Funny how he could control his temper in public. I told my friends he was being nice and I thought he had taken on board what I had said.
That lasted a week! He came home in a funny mood and started telling me how much debt he was in, but that he had just put (detail removed by moderator) in a (detail removed by moderator). His (detail removed by moderator) called him then and he was on speakerphone, me and my daughter in the room… he was talking about (detail removed by moderator). His friend said (detail removed by moderator).
After this we argued and the usual abuse came out – calling me names, shouting over me, standing over me, following me and ignoring me when I say this conversation is over and I do not want to speak anymore because he is just shouting at me. He said I should be (detail removed by moderator), not criticising him. I said I’m not criticising him but if he’s in debt and stressed about it he shouldn’t be putting that amount of money in (detail removed by moderator). I said I can sit down and we can work it out together but he just kept shouting and changing the subject, calling me and (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator) because I didn’t comfort him. Then he started shouting about my daughter again and the final straw was when he said we (detail removed by moderator). It hurt me but I know she’d heard that too. That’s when I knew I was leaving for good and I’m never going back. I feel weak sometimes and just want the pain to end but I know it will only get worse if I went back. I have to start healing now and so does my daughter.

[BlueberryField]

They are masters of manipulation, they know perfectly well of how to create an image to others, that they are this kind hearted person, very hurt, not understood, etc. When in reality they are abusive, manipulative, controlling monsters with no remorse.

After last time I fled to a refugee, my partner was like a totally different person. He would do everything for me without even asking him. He wouldn’t even let me clean the house and would always take things off of me and start cleaning himself and tell me to go sit down and relax. (I just found out I was pregnant at the time). It lasted a month. Then his paranoia hit, where I was staying when I left, phone checking, repetitive questions, where have you been, where is that place (Up to this day I never told him where the refugee was, I explained to him I will never tell him for one, if I ever needed to go there again, second, I wouldn’t want to put other women at risk who are or will be staying there in the future of being exposed. He thinks it’s a certain place in town, when it’s not but I let him now believe that this is the place). I only had a first month of pregnancy quiet. From the second month it was constant paranoia that I was staying with some man, etc. And it was getting worse and worse towards the end of my pregnancy. During the whole time and even after the baby was here I was told to get an abortion.

I never noticed before but it’s so funny to see now any time he knows he’s wrong or gets into a massive argument with myself or other people and people want to cut him off, he then pretends to play a victim of how people don’t understand he is under a lot of stress and there’s a lot of s**t going on in his life. It’s always the same excuse. It worked on me before but now I just say to him that it’s not an excuse to treat others like s**t.

[Happybelle]

Blimey, that sounds awful for you as well :(.
I have taken some more steps and have a watsapp group set up with close friends who are close by who I have let know what has been happening and one bit of writing in that chat and they’ll be there. Even if its nonsense and just a string of random letters etc. Just some back-up in case i need it and for getting the police.

[BlueberryField]

It is definitely not a nonsense! It is a very good thing, you have the chat group set up and your close people have been alerted. I hope it wouldn’t come to an emergency, that you have to contact them, but just knowing there are people close who if anything happens would come straight to help you and/or call the police for you if needed, gives you that little feeling of safety somehow.

[Sunshines]

I tried to leave about 600 times I’d say maybe more. I’d forgive him even after the most brutal attacks.

I’d spin it on myself and take some blame.

Don’t be ashamed how many times you try. Day by day.

You’ve already made the biggest step knowing you don’t want this life.

Life on the other side which I’m still experiencing is hard.

The financial stability for me has gone. Along with a lot of other things like confidence and identity. There is freedom in rediscovering yourself. Reinventing yourself to a person that you are proud of. It will take time. My confidence is on the floor but what do we expect after putting up with so much.

Peace for my children is priceless
A healthy Mum who has a plan

Do whatever it takes to get yourself stronger even if it’s day by day.
And have a secret plan or a vision

I was abused that badly I couldn’t even think of a vision or a plan
Day by day xxxxxxxxxxx

[BlueberryField]

I used to do the same thing, after the most brutal attacks, I was always attacked over things that I never even did and it was all his paranoia, because I later on found out that he was doing all those things! And when I say attacked I don’t just mean name calling or just verbal threats, it’s been brutal physical abuse for majority of those times.

I can understand that it would still be difficult afterwards with fully destroyed self-esteem in this relationship and bad financial situation, but to me it would still be a 100 times better living that life than the life I have with him right now. Because I know it is possible to improve your financial situation and if you work on it hard, to get your confidence back, but living with an abuser there is no brighter future.

[swanlake]

For me it was being asked to do an errand. Of course I brought the wrong thing back etc etc. When I think of all the terrible things that have happened it seems silly that that little thing was enough.

[BlueberryField]

This is so familiar, just a small thing like he asks me to go to the shop for him and I ask to be specific what he wants and he always just says ‘I don’t know’ or tells me to choose. And EVERY SINGLE TIME it’s ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ ‘this is not nice’ ‘you are a (detail removed by moderator)’. And then the next time I buy the exact same thing he called s**t previously without him asking, then he eats it and it’s all of a sudden nice? It is so exhausting that constant complaining. Anything you do is wrong, no matter what. You could do something PERFECTLY and they will still find a way to ruin it.

[Dumplin]

Hello, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am in a controlling relationship. When I confide in other people about what my day to day life is like with my husband who I’ve been with for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years they are sure that this is coercive control but my husband has never hurt me and when I read some of the things that you amazing women go through with your partners I feel guilty for accusing my husband of abuse. And it is absolutely draining me flip flopping in my beliefs. He is very jealous and gets annoyed at me if he thinks I am looking at other men. So I now go out of my way to look in other directions when I see men coming into my eyes view, he has told me what he “likes” and “doesn’t like” and will be annoyed or upset with me if I wear things that don’t seem moderate to him and has even destroyed some of my clothing. Also says mean things about me loving all the attention I get from men when I wear make up. And recently he said he felt uncomfortable with me attending a (detail removed by Moderator) party without him and even left me at home with our child so that I couldn’t leave the house to go to the party and during a row about that, then told me that he was struggling financially and would have to stop putting money in to my account, money that I use to look after our kids as he is the breadwinner. After these events I decided I’d had enough of being controlled and that if I didn’t leave now I wouldn’t recognise myself in a few years so started to make a plan. But what if really he is struggling financially? it’s my duty as his wife to support him not runaway. I do some work (detail removed by Moderator) to help pay for the kids extracurriculars and now I am considering doing some night shifts to add to the pot. I know how he treats me is not right and I do believe I am worth more than this, I want to be free to be myself without fear of constantly offending him and getting told off for saying the wrong thing or smiling too much at the wrong person. But if HE is so clearly in the wrong why do I feel so guilty??? I have tried to leave before but he agreed to couple counselling and actually changed his behaviour for a time but more and more he is trying to limit me going out with friends, he just lets me know that he’s displeased when I mention it and that he doesn’t like my friends mainly because they enjoy going out. Any advice welcome. Please help. Thank you

[BlueberryField]

This is exactly how my relationship started. Before I was always using make up and tried to look nice in general. As soon as we started living together, straight away it changed to “why are you wearing make up, who are you trying to impress?”
“Why are you wearing that? You’re not single anymore” or “I don’t want my woman wearing that” and he ripped a lot of my clothes too. So I stopped wearing make up and started dressing very bland.if I can use that word. Same with the paranoia, I remember one time we were walking home and his friend walked by I literally just said hello as I would to a female or my family member. And once we got home he started a massive row how I was “smiling at his friend and said hello in a flirty way” and it got to the point that I say hello to people in front of him as if Im emotionless. So he wouldn’t think I’m flirting. Same like you if there is any man around neither of us even know I still look to an opposite direction because to him I will be “staring at that man, wanting him” He even made a comment before that our post man was flirting with me when literally all he said was hello and have a good day and he’s an elderly man for goodness sake!!

Yet he’s out there looking girls up and down right in front of me and making comments how nice their a*s is.

[1234fr]

I wanted to leave many times but my ex e would cry and beg . I left (detail removed by Moderator) after he pulled my hair and headbutted me (detail removed by Moderator) in front of my kids I said we were over and he begged again and said he wanted his children to not be in a broken hone . I went back to him as my kids were crying and begging me to let daddy home. I went back wit bruises down one side and depressed and hated him. I emailed solicitors about divorce and he found out and said he couldn’t believe I’d do that to our kids … (detail removed by Moderator) months later he left me (detail removed by Moderator) and admitted he’d been planing it . I’d tried to leave him (detail removed by Moderator) times over (detail removed by Moderator) years and wanted to leave maybe 20.. or more . Biggest regret I’ve got is not going ! The last violence he did he got charged for and got a suspended prison sentence and he laughs about it with people saying Ie never have left him !any advice I’d give us never wait for a reason you have a reason ! If I’d had left when my ex was first violent in (detail removed by Moderator) I’d have saved (detail removed by Moderator) years of abuse ! You can’t get those years back… every year you stay is a year or trauma that follows you are you split . I’m lucky my son then (detail removed by Moderator) stopped his dad from hurting me in (detail removed by Moderator) and I am forever grateful my som was so brave to (detail removed by Moderator)…… every year or minute you stay is a moment you can’t get back if he hurts you . I’m (detail removed by Moderator) years now since our marriage is ended and every day i thinj of freedom and thank goodness he left me !! But I live with knowing why didn’t I just leave … he could have killed me !!

[BlueberryField]

I am so sorry you had to go through this for so many years! But at the same time I’m so happy for you, that you’re free!

When I left one time, mine was the same crying crocodile tears and begging in front of his whole family (pretending to make a bigger point) for me to come back etc etc.

He never changed, just the physical abuse is not like it was before, now just occasionally he would throw whatever is beside him if he’s in a rage or had grabbed me by my throat a few times to make a point that he’s right and I’m wrong.

At the same time I wish mine left me like yours left you.
He has told me once a long time ago that he contacted solicitor regarding a child custody, but I am pretty sure he was bluffing and trying to scare me. I want to contact a DV solicitor myself but I never have a chance because he is always home!

[swanlake]

My abuser used to control what I wore and lied constantly about finances, pleading poverty and near bankruptcy.
It’s part of the abuse to make people feel guilty and sadly even to use children in abusing people.

[Intr0vert]

I’ve probably tried to leave over 30 times and I am not exaggerating… sometimes it only lasted a couple of hours before I was back.. the longest I ever stayed away from him was 7 weeks. It didn’t get better. The grander the good gesture, the worse the abuse became. For the first time I am leaving him not because he has assaulted me, but because I finally realised I’m not the problem. He had just lied to me, then tried to spin the narrative and make me the bad guy. I can’t explain it. It’s like for the first time I had an out of body experience and witnessed him gaslighting and manipulating me.

[BlueberryField]

I recently caught that my partner and his father are both the same. Mine lies to me thinking I’m stupid, when I know the FACTS. And recently I heard his father giving an excuse to his son basically meaning if you are not caught you are not guilty. So I guess he had a good teacher for that in his life. His father is with another woman and he is cheating on her constantly. So he teaches is son his “tricks” but none of them realise that I am not that stupid. I would not accuse anyone for things if I didn’t have the facts. And yet he still plays stupid unless I physically show him evidence, otherwise even if he knows that those facts are true to the smallest detail he still lies to my face thinking I’m just making it up. Even yesterday I told him something that I saw with my own two eyes and because I didn’t show him physical evidence I was told that I am just fantasising and making rhings up.
Like I know I am not hallucinating, he knows I am not hallucinating, what’s the point to lie even more

[Intr0vert]

All of these abusers have enablers.. you just have to go no contact with these type of people. They know you are right, they just want you to drive yourself crazy proving so. And even when you do, it becomes a matter of “who told you to snoop”! It’s never their fault. Ever! I hope one day we can all be free of these people and be at peace and happy.

[BlueberryField]

This sounds so familiar. Then as you say it becomes “Why did you look” “why are you trying to spy on me” “it’s your own fault you were trying to find something by snooping”. And the times when I found out accidentally without snooping then it goes to “if I’m doing this then it means you are not giving me what I need”, “everyone does that, you’re just being delusional”

There is 0 respect for women. I wonder why I ever before expected to have at least a tiny bit of respect from him, when he doesn’t respect his female family members or any woman around him. Even when he looks at little girls all he sees is that one day she will grow up and end up spreading her legs to everybody. Even with me, I never in my life had anyone else apart from my partner, yet even I am still a s**t myself? They are so delusional themselves. And it makes me so angry why I didn’t see that sooner and let him manipulate me that much for so many years.

[Intr0vert]

Once you are able to detach emotionally and view them for who they really are, you will feel a huge sense of relief. You were never the problem. Abusive men are often people with (detail removed by Moderator).. they are unhappy with themselves and they project into their partners. It’s a vicious cycle which you will never win.. I am now on day (detail removed by Moderator) of being “out”. I cry myself to sleep most nights but I have to remind myself this is for the best. I hope you find peace soon. I hope we all do..

[BlueberryField]

This is what happened to me a few months ago, I don’t know exactly why, but I just stopped feeling sorry for him and realised I am not the problem and he is extremely toxic not just to me but to everyone. It is a strange feeling, especially when remembering previous abuse and thinking why I didn’t left then when it was so much worse? Why I even apologised to him for things that were no of my fault and I was still attacked for it?

[Runforthehills]

Yes, amen to that. My husbands parents are huge enablers, i have reached out to them so many times for help but they will always find a way to make me the ‘problem’.
It recently came to a head with his parents and I’m now going zero contact unless it’s about the kids.

[Polardog]

It took me so many attempts because he’d always make me feel like I’d given up on being loved when the reality was I was chosing myself and to not be abused any more.

The final straw for me was finding out that his father had not been in a coma for months and he had not been at the hospital supporting him and he hadn’t even died. It was the point at which I knew he was going to far too extreme lengths to manipulate me and I needed to know the truth and then move forward with my life because someone who lies to that extreme is dangerous.

I struggle day to day with feelings because you do miss the good bits, but we are all worthy of more than that.

[BlueberryField]

This is just messed up. You were just right to think that this is too much. No normal person would go to such extremes to lie to you.

[smallbutbrave]

I just can’t seem to get a plan together to leave.

There was (detail removed by Moderator) when he attacked me. Still here I am!

He has said if i want to leave him he will take our son. Son is not a baby he is preteen so I can’t just up and leave.

I think my only option left is to xcall the police next time (and there will be a next time) he attacks me and have him arressted. Just worried he will come back with out being charged and kill me, he said (detail removed by Moderator) he would kill me

[BlueberryField]

Has your son even witnessed those attacks? Did you ever talk to him about you living separate from his abusive father? Abusers are good manipulators and I have noticed when there’s children they use them to control you. Mine does the same just ours is still little. Everyday he shouts at him if our child is just tired or even playing too loud, he doesn’t want to stay alone with him for 15 mins alone and yet he still tells me he will take me to court if we break up for custody. (We are not married). Mine used to abuse me physically a lot and very bad before our child was born, but then it stopped, now I have noticed it is starting again with things smashing or throwing things at me, he had grabbed me by my throat a few times since our child was born and pushed me hard that I fell down and bruised myself otherwise there is no hitting, slapping, kicking like before so there’s not much bruises that I could record. But if you have any bruises record them! This will be a good proof for you to show to police. Also depending on how old your son is, if your abuser is arrested you could contact your local council for emergency housing or Womens Aid for a refugee and leave before he comes back. But you would also have to think about your son telling his father where you are located. So the best thing I think is to sit down with your son and have a chat with him if he is feeling safe at home etc etc

Best of luck and I hope you soon will be able to leave and live life safely free of abuse xx

[smallbutbrave]

Hi

No, my son has never witnessed the physical attacks but has heard my partner shouting, sweating and being aggressive towards me and then me after in tears. He did see my OH last week drag his finger across his neck and point to me, which is just awful. He looked so confused. I try to hide it as best I can but it is getting harder to do.

My son is a lovely boy though and is very sweet, kind and loving towards me. We have a great mother/son bond. How ever he adore his monster of a dad also.

😔

[BlueberryField]

I am truly so sorry you have to deal with this! That all of us have to deal with these abusers..
For your situation, I know it is scary, I have been there previously and still am.. It would be easy for me to try and give you advice, but reality is I haven’t left my abuser either.

Even though my son is still a very little boy, but my main worry is that he doesn’t grow up like his father. And I always had that thought in my head that if he sees his father being abusive towards me, being disrespectful, controlling and so on, he will grow up thinking like it’s normal and this is how it should be. My partner saw that while growing up from his own father and his father, from their father, etc. I would never want my son to treat females the way his father does. His father doesn’t just abuse me, he hates all females. He only sees them as sexual objects. He even said to me and other people many times before that woman is not a person and none of them deserve respect. (He wasn’t like this when we met or in the beginning of our relationship

[Sungirl]

The last push was a fight between him and his (detail removed by Moderator) with me and the kids there. And then his reaction afterwards when we got home -as calm as anything, completely ignored me and then denied what had happened. My oldest then said he didn’t want to live with him anymore. The last (detail removed by Moderator)months I had slowly been detaching myself, focusing on myself and the kids, not responding to his increasing outbursts. This is the (detail removed by Moderator) time I have left, been (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and trying my hardest to stick at it

[BlueberryField]

I feel like I’m still in the process of that detaching. Funny enough I don’t try to hide it anymore, yet he still haven’t even noticed. I guess it’s a good thing in a way.

You did a great job for leaving, especially if your children don’t feel same around him too. (detail removed by Moderator) weeks is already a long time, just keep it up for your own and your children’s happiness!

[Lostnalone]

I was a gud decade in before I became detached then foolishly stayed for almost a decade later!! Its shocking when become knowledgeable about your abuse. My sons a adult now and r friendship as reunited he admitted he was only nice to keep the peace. I’ve lost everything apart from my mind almost!! My anxiety is through the roof. It’s cruel that they do this. My heart goes out to u all in these hard times. Big love ❤️

[BlueberryField]

No matter how sad it sounds but I think a lot of us would still rather choose the life with low self-esteem, anxiety but free from abuse, rather than being abused daily whether it’s mental, physical or both.

You did a great job for leaving! And I do believe that working with yourself you can overcome all the anxiety and trauma experienced in these relationships. Day by day taking little baby steps.
Take care of yourself and always remember you were never the problem, he was x

[StrongLife]

Ex drank every day. Not a day would go by without him having drink in his hand.

I have slowly forgotten what it was like. It’s very different now. No argument, no ex drinking, that life was highly different compared to calmer life now.

If I see any type of violence I’m triggered. It’s difficult and different

I have fear of this all happening again. Being stuck etc.

[BlueberryField]

I have not left yet, but I can still relate to those triggers. Even if I’m not involved in an argument and it’s other people arguing it triggers me, where I start shaking all of a sudden. And by shaking I mean, as if I would he standing naked outside with -20°C. I never had this in my life, but this developed in my relationship. Even a family member of mine who has been through abuse in their life have noticed that (they have the same trigger).

Even if its difficult, at least you know you are safe in your home and free from all nasty abuse that you did not deserve

[browneyedmum]

He shouted at me, “(detail removed by moderator)” in front of our kids, while we were trying to sort out yet another medical emergency for one of our kids. This was after he threw his phone at me.

Not my greatest moment, but I’ll own it… when he (detail removed by moderator) and threw it to the ground, I picked it up and tossed it (detail removed by moderator). Heard the ‘ping!’ off the pavement even. And it was lost. But we were in the middle of a medical emergency for one of the children. So he needed to take that child off to A&E.

Meanwhile I messaged a friend who said, “F**k that! Do you feel safe?” and I told my friend that I didn’t feel safe, so my friend came over.

I did feel some guilt and did one sweep of the front area to find his (detail removed by moderator). Our other child offered to help.

The next morning, we did another sweep– my friend who came to stay to keep us safe, along with the child who wasn’t in hospital– to try to find that (detail removed by moderator). No luck there.

Because my husband mentioned it again (and this was even after I interviewed with our local domestic abuse services to get enrolled there!) … we did another sweep. Still no luck there.

Later in the day, my husband pointed out a (detail removed by moderator). He wanted me to order it because I get discounts on shipping on my account there, where he doesn’t get discounts. However, I knew straight away– he was trying to shame me. He wanted to shame me into buying the (detail removed by moderator) to make me feel bad about it. And I already knew, he would expect me to use it to go find his (detail removed by moderator).

So of course, next day, (detail removed by moderator) arrives. Of course, I’m shamed into unpacking it, sorting out the batteries and then doing yet another sweep. Besides my friend who was already staying with us to keep me and the children safe, our neighbours noticed that I was out there with (detail removed by moderator), looking for my husband’s (detail removed by moderator)… all the while my husband was supervising. So as soon as he left, I let my neighbours know what was going on.

I let my neighbours know what was going on, how badly my husband acted in front of the children … how even though … not my best moment … but I stood my ground … and how my husband since went to shame me and then humiliate me in front of others — including my friend who had come to be there to keep us safe, and now my own neighbours as well.

I’ve not left yet. We’ve got complicated issues to pick apart with finances, with children with special needs, and all sorts of other things. However I am intent on leaving and in the meantime keeping myself and my children safe.

I knew I’d get married only once and I really wanted that to be worthwhile because I waited for a very long time to get married. Maybe 5 years ago, I would have been ashamed of getting a divorce. But oh no. COVID lockdown interaction was a big eye-opener on top of things that came after. I’m leaving and divorcing with my head held high.

[BlueberryField]

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children!
Mine always used an excuse before that he’s not humiliating me in front of others only in front of his family members, which was supposed to be ‘ok’. Now he can do it in front of anyone. And if there are other females around, he will act as if I don’t exist at all, would just totally blank me.

I’m really at the point of if I was financially stable enough and had any money saved, I would have left long ago. And he knows that, which he also uses, because he knows I don’t have any savings.

[Dumplin]

Hello, I posted on here back in mid-November when I was coming to terms with the fact that what my Husband is doing to me is indeed abuse. He had just stopped me from going out and started tightening financial constraints to the point where I now work a night job as well as doing some day work and looking after my kids. I realised then that no matter what I did it would never be enough and it’s funny, I thought the new job would get me a bit of respect and freedom to choose what I spend the money on but he is already asking when I get paid and finding things to spend it on. I know now that over time this will only get worse.

When I posted on here I had just reached out and I had a support worker assigned to me, we talk regularly and she helped me make a plan to leave, having someone there who could not only be a listening ear but also help me get organised to leave and find out the answers to questions that I didn’t know concerning legal things, the kids, school admissions even work out how to tell him I’m leaving and so on has been so invaluable and I will be forever grateful to her but also so glad that I finally got the nerve to reach out to someone. So if you’re feeling stuck but you really do want to leave this might be a good first step for you too.

My leaving day is coming up shortly and I am so excited for my new life but I think equally as scared of how I will cope alone and also the day when I tell him but I know I deserve more than this and my kids do too and whatever I manage to provide for them in the future will be much better than the life we are leaving behind.

On the nice days (well minutes) I do question myself as to whether I am doing the right thing but deep down I know the answer and when my leaving day comes I just hope I can do as planned and walk out without telling him and only tell him once I am safe in the comfort of my loved ones. I look forward to it with equal excitement and trepidation.

I’m sorry that we are all in these situations and hope for better days for all of us. Xx

[BlueberryField]

He was definitely trying to control you financially so in his head you don’t save enough money to leave him. Mine always asks when I’m getting paid and then it starts ‘can you buy this’ ‘can you get that’. My income is very little, and with that I have to pay for bills (He pays rent), buy things for our growing child like clothes, toys, nappies, etc, buy groceries and with whatever little is left I am trying my best to pay off the debts that I have because of him and he doesn’t even bother in helping paying them off because it’s not on ‘his name’ and it’s not his fault. Yet he always has hundreds for casinos.

At this point I have a secret bank account, where I am trying to send little money each time even if it’s £5, £10, £20 so it is not that obvious that a bigger amount of money is going somewhere.

Just remember you are doing a great job for you and your kids. Even in non-abusive relationships it’s normal to have disagreements, but you know deep down, when you disagree you don’t get called nasty names, being physically abused or they keep trying to control your money and where it goes, without even considering your or your childrens needs.
You would never talked to support worker or even been on this forum if your relationship was not toxic and unsafe.
Don’t doubt yourself, you are doing the right thing! And I am really happy to hear that you have a date when you are finally leaving to live an abuse-free life!!

[Dovegirl]

The last push for me to leave was when I was beaten up by him for the 3rd time. The reason I didn’t leave previous was just the pure fear. Fear of being hunted down and hurt again, the fear I would have to go back, the fear of not being believed by anyone. I think adrenaline kicked in and it was a now or never moment. And I did it. The fear is always there still lurking in the background and it’s still really early days. But I made that leap and believe me it was something I thought I could never do. I always clung on to hope that I could one day escape from the hell of DA xx

[BlueberryField]

Before we had children I always feared the same. If I left to be hunted down and hurt again, he had threatened that to me many times. Now thinking back I was so stupid to believe these threats. Now I know that he would never bother hunting me down, he might have tried sending me texts or constant calling, but that would be all..
Where as now I am really scared because I know he would really try to hurt me physically through other people (I wish I had recorded all those times when he threatened me with the ways he would hurt me) because of our kid. The only option I do see and what I am trying to do is to save money and rent a place or put a deposit on a little house or flat to get away from him. In this way I know he wouldn’t be as nasty, because he would still be able to see the child but we wouldn’t have any contact apart from the child matters.
Or maybe I am just being delusional and it would be a lot more nasty than I am thinking, who knows really. Only thing I am hoping that my child does not grow up to be like his father and once he does grow up, he would see his father for who he really is. Because I know once our child is older he will be manipulating him a lot, just like he does to every single person around him – family, relatives, friends or just people that he knows a little.

[Dumplin]

Yes @BlueberryField. I have now accepted that it IS abuse but it’s so hard to actually call it that as he doesn’t hit me, there are no bruises to see, it’s coercive and emotional with him and he is so slick with it, he says things like he is joking, like asking if I can feel him watching me on the camera or tracking me on his phone because he’s “worried” something might happen to me then he would know where I was. His jealousy is just too much now and if another male even looks at me he just gets so angry. I know now this isn’t right and I need to get out before it gets worse because my family lives miles away so if he were to stop me going out more regularly, there is no one around to really notice, that is a scary thought to me.

@BlueberryField I know you reached out to the DA services once before but do you think it’s worth trying again now some time has passed? Also did you try to get on a housing list? A support worker could help guide you through it. Maybe asking questions that you have already answered above, apologies. If you do want any info on my experiences with this feel free to PM me.

Sending hugs to everyone.
Dumplin

[BlueberryField]

@Dumplin I can totally understand. Even before we had our child any place I would go to would be go shopping, any time I had a friend the abuse always intensified and it was either wait until the worst happens or lose a friend, so I did lose every single person eventually. My family is also a far distance away. And same like you nobody notices and it is scary, because in this situation you have no one to ‘check up’ on you.. Even if I take longer than 1 hour when grocery shopping, it means I went to somewhere to have sex and it doesn’t even matter that our child is with me.

I have not reached out much afterwards to anyone. I wanted to call DV solicitors to consult, but I have no time to do it. Because either he is always at home and could hear me or if I leave the house when he’s at home he would randomly call me, so if he saw the line was busy, it would be another episode of me being accused cheating etc etc. And none of them consult over the email. I did not get on the housing list, I don’t know why but lately the fear has taken over me a lot. Even today he had an episode out of nowhere. It all started out of the blue, I didn’t even said a bad word to him.

[Dumplin]

Oh I know that feeling @BlueberryField! If I take longer than he thinks I should, I get questioned, what was I doing? Why didn’t I answer (If he can’t get through to my phone), who did I speak to, what did we talk about??? he doesn’t accuse me of anything, but I get called sneaky and slippery which implies that I’ve been up to no good!

I have to get creative with the calls to my support worker and solicitors though, I schedule them for when I will be outside of the house, I return the kids library books, go to the doctors or pop to the shops but just sit in the car having a quick 10 minute phone call with whoever I need to speak to that day and then get on with returning my library books or whatever. It does feel sneaky but they purposely make it hard for you as they don’t want you talking to anyone else because they might show you a way out! And I have to say that all the services are really understanding that you can’t stay on long as they’ve done often seen this before.

I understand exactly what you mean about the fear, sometimes it can be paralysing. As I get closer and closer to my leaving date I grow more and more scared and doubts start to creep in again, “am I doing the right thing?”, “is he really all that bad?”, “why am I blowing up my life” but deep down inside I know there is no life left if I don’t do the brave thing and take my life back.

The fact is their episodes are never about us they just always manage to pin them on us, hope you have a better day tomorrow. Xx

[StrongLife]

Yes after him leaving and me having no bar of him returning I got txts, calls, visits, emails. Visits with screaming. Threats of visits from others. Barrage of abuse. Then stalking and intimidation as well as threats.

Some time later the threats returned then stopped. This all did not bode well for stress levels.

He escalated- I moved after a while. Just walked away from house with my car.

[Anonymous]

The realization that if I didn’t I would end up dead. Sounds dramatic but the violence got so bad .to leave was my only choice

[Author]

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