What were his intentions?

[Anonymous]

I am away & suffering badly, I look back at how I lived & wonder was his intention to destroy me completely, if it was he did & he has. After a decade of thinking is it me or is he mental. I remember he tried to force me into getting a life insurance, he would pay, as we were financially dependent on him & he had a good job, why would he need money if I died? He tried to force me to have a phone on his contract, I now know that, that was just another way of monitoring my calls! He monitored everything anyway from food, water, petrol, electric which was minimal yet he’d still go crazy at every bill! He Accused me of trying to poison him, take aways were doing it to him too! He would tell people I was fat at a size 10! Tell me I should watch what I ate, yet he was overweight, was this his way of giving me an eating disorder. He told me our home phones were monitored so I only used my mobile, he then told people I was secretive & he couldn’t trust me! My son could not move without him ranting so when he was at home my son stayed in his bedroom,I would then be told we were abnormal! He never said it was because if his actions! I got that last couple of years that I was scared to go out with him because he belittled me in public to tears & humiliation, he then told everyone I was at fault as never wanted to go out. I am away but can’t help feeling all he saw me as was a financial investment, He would have if I hadn’t been brave & refused got that life insurance policy & slowly but surely completely destroyed me, A while decade I lived like that, How du
did I miss his controlling & why did I not see his plan all along? Even when I’d been really ill, that was when he really stepped up his cruelty. He also did it to his mum until her death & no one saw it except me & her bless her, his only intention financial, I have mentioned it in other posts he was a pathological gambler!!! A family history of schizophrenia, which I’m sure he has too. His only intention I believe was for the sole purpose of him, it did not matter how many people he destroyed so long as he was OK. Outsiders told me years he was a control freak, I only wish I had had the strength to have seen it myself before he completely shattered me into this now seriously ill with severe anxiety, depression & ptsd or cptsd. I am not a nasty person but I hope one day someone does to him what he’s done to Me & my son x

[pheonix]

Hi Blueberry

Big hugs from me.

He has not completley destroyed you, the fact you are shareing on this site, show you are surviveing seeking support and help this shows your sense of self is clinging on, it will eventually guide u to the surface.

Take the time to heal reach out bang on doors and ask for the help and support you need, you are a survivor remember thay cannot win we are stronger than them thats why they try so hard to control us because they are weak.

[Anonymous]

Hi Phoenix big hugs to you too xx He was weak very weak like a 5 year old child & yet I was never able to stop his relentless abuse. Someone recently said oh just get over it, it was only words, he didn’t physically beat you did he!!! Only words very interesting His smear campaign has left me isolated without a support system! Everyone saying sorry to him for believing me!!!!! X

[pheonix]

Hi Blueberry

This is what they do they are masters at manipulation and isolation showing the face of a angel but the devil is inside.

The people who beleive him and have let u down are notctrue friends dont give yhem head space only you know the truth of your experience and how he made you feel i used to wish my husband would physically harm me so at least then i could of said look see what he has done i was battered and bruised inside but no one could see.

Remember we are strong they are weak i have joined a number of groups made friends that i have chosen and feel very supported by them
Do u have friends around you if not look for voluntary groups that u could help out with or art classes ect were u can form friendships i hope u have ased WA for help they are amazing
U are in my thoughts xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Phoenix, Thank You. I have said exactly the same thing, I wish he would have beaten me black & blue, then everyone would have seen what he did years. I have been really quite seriously ill with severe anxiety, depression & cptsd so haven’t been out much, a short trip to shops is a massive ordeal. I am so scared of strangers too as that was a massive threat of his from when I met him well over a decade ago. He knew people who could cause life threatening injury & kill, he threatened it on others too, so to get to know strangers & rebuild a life, even a year after leaving is a huge problem for me. I am ok one day, I can get up & think right he is not going to get the better of me & my son, I will not let him ruin the rest of my life, then within hours I am in floods of tears, remembering it all, him 24/7 treading on eggshells, scared of my every move, scared what if, I truly feel disabled by him & it’s awful. I thought once away We’d be okay, but have actually felt worse than any year I ever spent with him! This is all so awful for everyone of us, He plays the victim on a large scale. No one believes us, even some professionals who put you down as some mental case!!! He was the mental case, cruel toxic man. He didn’t just abuse me & my son he also abused his mum very badly. He was abusive to strangers too. Yet portrayed the Saint, The wolf in sheep’s clothing!! Xx

[pheonix]

Blueberry you have been through a horrendous ordeal and healing will take time one day at a time is my motto.

It helps me to set myself small goels ech day today i will wash my hair, today i will take my grandson to the park, today i will walk to the shop, today i feel sad i will allow myself to cry, crying is not a weakness it is a release for our emotions its not good to keep it all in . Just one day at a time
Have you got support from your local womens aide the have some great support groups.
Keep posting i will reply you do have choices contary to what he made you beleive.
Wishing u peace hope today is a better day for u xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Phoenix, I don’t think we have a local WA group, I am setting myself small challenges but they are small, thus week I set myself the challenge to paint the front room, I’m exhausted & can only manage half hour stints, it will take days but it was filthy from the people before. With him before him my homes have always been poor but always clean, since I left in a year I struggle to do anything. Cooking tea, even wash my hair. So this paint the front room is a big challenge, hopefully though one that can get me motivated to stabilise a little easier. I hadn’t been able to relax in a home that just hasn’t been what my homes have always been. Still trying to lose his shadow of how I act to, even painting I think will be criticised! That’s the thing isn’t it fear of being allowed to do normal things x

[pheonix]

Hi Blueberry

Well done for trying to paint ur room keep chipping away and u will get there .

It might be worth ringing the helpline and they can put you in touch with ur local group, you sound very isolated at the minute, that must feel so lonely for you i wish i could hug you and help u feel better.

Can i ask do u have a happy place in your memories that u can go to where u can go to and it makes u smile , i go to mine when i am feeling overwhelmed , sad or anxious i find it such a comfort and always just that little bit stronger afterwards.

I hope tomorrow is a good day xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Phoenix at the minute there isn’t many happy places in my mind I can go to. Sadly prior to him, I had had marriage breakdown, been made homeless, left heavily whilst pregnant by another. It was not until after I left the many years of serious abuse I escaped from (detail removed by moderator)& after the freedom programme that reality hit, I could not understand why or how he had effected me so badly, until educating myself properly. He retraumatised every single trauma going back to childhood!I when first left had said that, but couldn’t at first understand why or how I’d felt like that. I now know that he would have picked up on my mannerisms, fears & weaknesses. Through major outside trauma, over the whole time I was with him he never emotionally comforted during major trauma, it was awful, being scolded for being heartbroken through loved ones deaths,There were other traumas that were life threatening, again he just showed anger at my fear & my sons fear. I saw him do it to his own mum – again at times she was having major crisis going on & right up until her death too, yet he portrayed the loving son! The caring all I do for them act towards me & my son. Always portraying it was us who were pathetic, over sensitive, weak etc. I do feel extremely isolated, it is awful. I have nearly finished painting the front room & that has given me a tiny sense of achievement, however because I feel so ill now & at present unable to work, even that I still live in fear of homelessness, that’s what he threatened over & over again. I was lucky managed to get all of my things away, it’s all old & monetary worthless but mine & my sons, had I have not it would have been destroyed anyway. That is what he was like, again something he did to his mum, threw her belongings away. I was an idiot after I left & kept contact as I felt sorry for him, this made things a whole lot worse, it was just phone contact, he could hear I was getting stronger in my voice then the major onslaught, I’d witnessed him destroy his own family so should have known better than feel sorry for him. Anyway That is it with me, even the people who abused from childhood I forgave again & again, no one gets that, I guess I don’t myself! I had lost contact with old friends & family because of what they’d done to me, again after escaping I knew how important it was to rebuild, so I got in touch with them, I am just so stupid as they are just the same as they were years ago & have hurt me all over again, telling me I’m weak, they do not get dv/abuse plus He has brainwashed them too!! I do have a lady who specialises in it coming to see me this week, whom I desperately need her help, fingers tightly crossed, baby steps, I can grow a tiny bit stronger, lose the fear of his threats, lose eventually his haunting & his shadow of fear that follows me everywhere. I am being as strong as I can be & with little strength left am still having tiny positive moments x

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