What would you have done?

[maddog]

I was assaulted in public by my child, then at the age of criminal responsibility. My ex witnessed the assault and blamed me. He created conflict, and my child had a long history of attacking their sibling, a(detail removed by moderator). The attack on me felt as though it was happening by proxy through my ex, and the child was deeply troubled by the behaviour.

In the end, or perhaps at the beginning, I told my then husband that I could no longer live with someone who condoned the violence (detail removed by moderator). Cue rage. He dialled the 3 9s and had me arrested for physically attacking him.

I spent a terrifying (detail removed by moderator) in custody, having been arrested for something that hadn’t happened.

To my shame, the child in question witnessed the event, and knows her father to be a liar. The police never spoke to them.

I could have faced the (detail removed by moderator) in custody. I was terrified for the children. Had I told the police the whole story, my child would be on police record for something that wasn’t their fault, and they wouldn’t have had the language to describe their behaviour.

It’s sometimes difficult and triggering when people ask about my criminal record. I accepted (detail removed by moderator) for something that didn’t happen. I accepted  (detail removed by moderator) because I didn’t want my child to have a permanent police record. I accepted (detail removed by moderator)  because I was absolutely terrified.

(Detail removed by moderator) . The children are safe and with support, there have been no further incidents of violence. We are learning to respect each other. Their dad has abandoned them.

[Put the kettle on]

This sounds a very traumatic experience for you and your children. I have no advice I just wanted to offer some support as it sounds like you’ve been through so much. It sounds like you tried to protect your children. I am glad you are learning to respect each other, it’s a step in the right direction

[maddog]

Thank you, Put the kettle on. The behaviour of abusers is only ever horrific. My ex doesn’t approve of educating his children. He’s tried to hoover them. I’m so angry. The children are old enough to make their own mistakes. My hope is that they engage with support and learn to deal with life’s bricks.

[KIP.]

You did what you had to do at the time. Abuse robs us of our sanity and I bet you’d handle it differently now. Power to you for surviving such abuse. It shows just how strong you are. In survival mode we are left with few if any choices. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[KIP.]

To answer your question. Exactly what you did. There should be a time limit on this kind of conviction on your record so check if it’s no longer there.

[maddog]

It won’t be long until my name is clear again. It would have been far worse for my child to be on police record, and far harder to recover from. Nobody should be criminalised for the behaviour of someone else. It was so weird, as though my child were a puppet on a string. It was as though they were acting by proxy.

My ex’s behaviour was very, very covert, and hard to nail. He thrives on creating conflict. I really hope the children aren’t drawn back to him, and with the right support, learn to articulate what has happened to them and recognise that it’s not their fault.

Although he behaves as though he has no parental responsibility, there’s no easy way to formalise it, so he can still crop up unexpectedly in the children’s lives, and all they can do is refuse to see him. One day, just maybe, they’ll report him.

[Put the kettle on]

I can relate to your ex wanting conflict all the time, mines the same, always looking to cause a situation. I actually did things out of character when I was in my relationship, now I can see how he manipulated me and used me

[Author]

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