What’s best with young young children involved

[Bambe]

Hi ladies.

Finally I’m getting out, but I’m having to stay in the situation for minimal 5 months.

I’m only a couple weeks in and I’m certain it’s the right thing. I have great support from family, case worker and now school. But whilst living in a worst environment now then ever, am I to just sit tight and take it over the next months? Or do I stop stand up for myself and kids and show enough is enough. Im being called names in front of them, he’s passive aggressive, laughs at me, mimicked me, down talked all the time in front of kids how they’re different when I’m around and they only play up because of me. Which I know they don’t. But they don’t need to hear that- it’s not going to help them respect me. It’ll also make them feel like how they’re being isn’t ok- which in our circumstance it is ok.

I’ve had to say if you don’t leave me alone I will have to call the police as I’m repeated asking for him to leave me be or to shut the door as I’m settling children and unable to go elsewhere. To which he refuses and all the horrible behaviour heightens. I’ve reached out to my solicitor and case worker but I’m worried for my children.

If it was just me I’d apply for an injunction but they’re too young to be visiting in a contact centre? Is this always the case?

I have no idea what’s right, but I know my head has hurt for days and I’m exhausted from night feeds and harassment every night or day if he’ll make sure he’s around (as he’s stopped working as much so he always seems to be around these days).

Sorry for rambling, any advice or related stories would be much appreciated.

Stay safe xox

[Sunshines]

Hi Bambe

So you have little ones ?
If it’s really bad you can stop contact all together then he will have to take you to court for access which will cost him money and be a very lengthy process.

If you get a non molestation order he can see the kids through a third party so a friend or family member.

You sound like your still living with him from your post so maybe a little more complicated.

Either way your children and you are entitled to a peaceful happy home.
So you are being very brave looking into all your options and that’s definitely the thing to do xx

[Bambe]

Yes very little, bless them. I wouldn’t want to stop all contact for them as I don’t think it’s fair- he can quilt trip my eldest and tends to be manipulative. But I would feel so much guilt if they were to ask and I kept them from seeing him.

Yes still living together so things are awful at home. I try my best to cover it up in front of them but there are still unnecessary comments and always atmosphere in the home.

I just wish I could speed the process up- but I know it’s out of my hands.

Thank you for your reply. Hopefully things smooth out and I don’t have to get to that step but police have been to give warning as a few times I’ve been harassed and unable to avoid certain situations. Not easy😞😞😞

Thanks again. Hope you’re ok. X x x

[Better-days]

Hi bambe I have small children and it the only thing keeping me but through this forum I’m starting to think that maybee I can do this and I think having your kids dropped through a third party is a good idea. My in laws are extremely close to my kids see them everyday and help with all my CHildcare I used to think I couldn’t put them through it but then I will never keep kids from them and if their son wants to act like a psycho then that is not my problem I’m fed up making sure everyone is ok. I hope ur ok you sound like youv done your homework on planning to leave. Can I ask does your partner know x

[Bambe]

Thank you for your reply. Yes partner knows-
He’s the one who actually went and got the process moving. I think it was another scare tactic in hope that I’d run back and beg for him as he’s always threatened me with divorce and got closer to actually doing it each time. (detail removed by Moderator).

Hope everything is working out with you x x

[Bananaboat]

I don’t know if I can help much, but having lived the way you are now for several months with a toddler, I can relate. It’s awful, it’s exhausting and as much as you try to protect them the children definitely pick up the tension. I only really realised this after leaving and seeing the change in my kids. I’m sure you know this but he’s trying every trick under the sun to intimidate you and you should expect him to flip flop between nice then vile as he tests what will get you back under his power. Try your very hardest not to react. Keep your phone on you for safety. I used to go upstairs at kids bedtime and that was it for the night, had to keep food & drink supplies for me & kids as it made it impossible to move in my own home after that time.

Having said he wanted full custody of our shared child if I left he now barely makes the effort to see them. You can’t force the parent to parent and as their mum it’s great you want to maintain a relationship but my advice would be to be cooperative but let him hang himself because they always tend to – the let downs & broken promises etc. It’s not about the kids with these men it’s about power, image, control etc. Kids are resilient but they shouldn’t see/hear abuse. Stay strong x*x

[Footballfan1]

Hi,

He is escalating because you have put an end to your relationship.
They don’t like to let go, and the loss of control makes they try anything to regain the control.
Keep reporting everything to police and your support worker.
The police could decide to remove him from the property to protect you and the children.
They treat it seriously when the dad abuses the mum on front of the children.

In the long run, I don’t think you can coparent with an abuser.
They treat the children as pawns I a game to gain control over the mum.

My ex used the children against me, changed times, kept them for days longer than was agreed, threatened to keep them permanently.
He really upset them and interrogated them when he had them, asking them who I had coming to the house, did I go out and leave them with sitters etc.
Eventually, with support from police and support worker, I denied him any contact, including phone.
The kids have come on so much since, they are different children.
I don’t know how long this will last, but my solicitor doesn’t think he will even get supervised contact.

I know you say now that you don’t want to stop your children having contact with their dad, but with abusive parents, although it goes against our nature, it is better for the children to not have contact with an abusive parent.
They might say, I never hurt the kids, but it is hurting them emotionally.
Xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, your situation sounds difficult being in the same home for now. They always ramp up their abuse when you end the relationship, my ex was like a tornado of tactics.. blaming me for tearing family apart, played the victim, became aggressive then passive, threatened suicide.. ah too much…

Tried to co parent and he interrogated and used our children… I also tried to cover up/hide the abuse (I minimised so much or made excuses for him that I feel guilty to my children) children do pick up… both my 2 are in therapy now.

Do you have a DA support worker? Maybe speak to her if you do?

You and your children deserve an abuse free life. He is already abusing your children by involving them, when they hear him belittle you, calling you names etc… stay strong

Keep posting ❤️ HFH

[Bambe]

Thank you all for your advice/ support.

I feel a-lot of pressure for doing the right thing for the kids and today I’ve realised they’re on to
It alot more than I realised. So I’ll do what I can and put things in place and hope this nightmare is over soon. Sad to think that it probs won’t ever be as they do seem to always control/ bring you down even when you’ve found the courage to walk away.

This forum is honesty amazing and the relief I got to have notifications to hear from you ladies who understand is fab. I have a great supportive family but they don’t understand everything.

Hope you’re all safe and happy.

Thanks again xxxxx

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