What’s the best way to confide in your family?

[gettingtired]

It’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to confide in family soon. I’m absolutely terrified of telling them the truth and I’ve been with him years. He’s nice as pie on the few occasions he does see them (he avoids most family events unless he absolutely has to such as Christmas); interesting, chatty, friendly, funny, polite, charming etc. He is excellent at conversation and pleasing people.
I tend to get ignored a bit when I’m in the room with him as he draws people in so well.
He has already spoken to someone in my family behind my back sort of painting himself as a victim of me being angry all the time. They believed him.
They’re aware he has some mental health problems and probably think he should involve himself more but they don’t know he’s abusive because I’ve always hidden everything from them and pretended/made excuses.
There is one family member I’m thinking of telling first, another I don’t want to tell until I really have to as I know they’ll be so worried and won’t be able to sleep at night etc.

Does anyone have any advice for telling them or how you went about it?
Part of me is still fighting telling anyone as then I know it’s real and I’ll have to act on it.
Also, part of me still feels obliged in some way to protect him
I’m literally running on anxiety at the moment as I know it’s make or break soon.

Thank you for reading xx

[Anonymous]

I wrote a letter to my sister as I couldn’t find the words. As she didn’t know the whole truth she was suggesting I try marriage counselling and said I really should try and work things out for the sake of our kids. Like you I had spent a long time protecting him and lieing for him trying to make it were this perfect happy family. Now she knows the truth she is really supportive of my decision and has helped me. I haven’t found the strength to tell my other family members yet but I will. Sending hugs x*x

[Lazarus17]

The one family member I thought could bear it the best, I wrote a letter to, but sat with her to kind of fill in some of the blanks. (This was after I’d left). The person who I thought would really fret, I kind of drip fed them with information a bit at a time, (some before I’d left) so they wouldn’t be overwhelmed. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone all of the real gory details. I just think it would be too painful (for them aswell as me). Although I suspect their imagination may have filled in those particular blanks.

I think, for me, giving snippets before I left actually helped me to leave – when you see someone’s negative reaction to something you consider “normal” is quite eye opening!

[KIP.]

I think your family may suspect more than you know. My family were surprised I’d lasted as long as I did. They watched from afar but didn’t want to intervene. I suppose it’s that thing about other people’s business and waiting for them to make the first move. You don’t even need to talk about the abuse until you’re ready. People end relationships every day. You don’t need to explain yourself. You’re desperately unhappy and in and unhealthy relationship and that’s enough for just now. I spent years waiting for my get out of jail free card so I wouldn’t look like the bad one but nobody really cares. Yes, he will play the victim but hopefully you won’t have to listen to him or his family because you will be miles away. Rebuilding your own life in a safe environment x

[Neueranfang]

I still haven’t been able to confide in my family.Mainly because they live abroad and I don’t think it would be fair to worry them when there is absolutely nothing they can do about it.They can’t even visit me to support me at the moment.However I confided in one of my work colleagues and my manager.It took me soooo much courage to do so but they have been very kind to me and very supportive.Now it feels like a massive weight off my shoulders.And for the first time it feels real.I’ve actually done it.I tried leaving many times in the past but never confided in anyone.This time is so very different.I gave a statement to police and I told people about what I’m going through as well as engaging with (detail removed by Moderator)!

[Daff]

I haven’t told my family the full extent. They know theres more to it and have tried to push. But i dont feel ready and im not sure i want them to know. Theres nothing they can do and they are there if i need them but i think it would hurt my parents and they are not well. I dont think one of my siblings would take it well and i have no idea what their reaction would be if they saw him. I dont want my children to find out everything even though the one knows alot (not because i told them). Make sure your comfortable telling them and that you get the help you need. Some days i feel like i should tell them, others i dont. If it feels right i will but in my own time. I felt to that it was wrong to say anything , i had been told for so long it was my fault. You owe him nothing, but you owe it to yourself to do what feels right to you, what helps you move forward and find happiness. Try speaking to womans aid or your doctor,it has helped me.

[gettingtired]

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I think I assumed I would need to tell them there’s been abuse else they might think I can leave ‘normally’ with him agreeing to it. Surely as my only way to leave will be a secret escape so they’ll need to know things aren’t right for me to have to flee like that?
Also, scared they might feel sorry for him as he has mental health issues (they know he suffers with anxiety). Surely I’d need to get them to block him as I’d worry he’d contact them once he can’t get in contact with me. Otherwise he would probably be able to make them feel sorry for him.
I am feeling so consumed with guilt right now, I just wish I could fast forward years on or rewind back to before him. Even though he has done and said horrible things over the years I feel so guilty for stringing him along now pretending I want to be together. Does that mean I’m not ready to put myself first and accept he has done it all deliberately? Head just feels a mess. X*x

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