What’s the point?

[iliketea]

I’m really not sure. Why bother with anything if it’s all just going to be thrown in your face. (detail removed by moderator). I’m not sure I’ve got any fight left. So tired. Tired of trying, tired of smiling, tired of keeping going for the sake of the kids. He’s started spoiling them and so of course they’ve forgotten everything. I’m the ogre, because I try and keep routines and boundaries. I’m not sure I can do this for much longer. I’ve left him but he’s still causing so much harm. I just don’t know if I can fight for my rights any more. I have no family, hardly any friends left, (detail removed by moderator). I only ever wanted a simple happy life. I met him and have never known such toxic poison, him, his whole family. You wouldn’t know if you met them. Upstanding people but lowlife through and through. It’s those types that are the worst. The smiling, good looking, intelligent ones, poison. They’ve poisoned my life, my children’s life and it doesn’t look like I will ever escape them. (detail removed by moderator). No, I’m not drunk or high or even depressed, I’m just tired, so so tired of Abuse. Hidden poisonous toxic abuse that doesn’t look like it will ever end.

[Eve1]

Yes, it doesn’t just end when we leave does it? We leave because we don’t want our lives to be about fighting, but they carry on. It’s hard. You need a break. Try to not be so hard on yourself. You’ve done the right thing, the brave thing. Kid are fickle,in a way swayed by the ‘fun’ parent, but they need you to be sticking to those routines as far as you can. You know you’ve got their best interests at heart.

Try get whatever rest you can. Are you sleeping ok? I find guided meditations on you tube can help me drift off. Take the best care of you that you can. Are you in touch with WA? Are you getting support locally?

Sending you hugs and best wishes.

Eve1

[Featheredge]

I was just about to post something similar….your post has made me cry. I left months ago, but I’m slowly giving in. What’s the point? Like you my happiness seems of little value and my kids wants us back together, so maybe I should stop being selfish and just give in. I didn’t have a bad life before just controlling a bit and I did everything. I do like having no egg shells to walk on but I hate how I feel right now and I haven’t felt happiness since leaving so what was the point? All I’ve done is cause upset and grief for others. I cannot carry on like this, I am so incredibly sad and I know he is too because of my actions. So I hear what you are saying and would like to hear back, if you feel any different because right now, I’m like you. And yeah I’m not drunk or ever used drugs but maybe I’m depressed…..that’s because of the whole year of c**p so far….I am broken.

Take care and I hope you make the right decision 😔

[Catjam]

Hi, I am so sorry to hear what you ladies are going through. I am still here with mine but I thought I would tell you what happened when I took him back before our youngest was born. She is in her (detail removed by Moderator) now.
He used to turn up with gifts and sweets, take them out to the zoo all the things I couldn’t do. Spend hours playing with them. He talked his way back in but then instead of taking the kids out at the weekend he was busy doing what he wanted again. He stopped playing on the floor, they had to be quiet because he wanted to watch tv. I went from having savings for the first time to trying to find enough money for bread and milk. Life becomes all about them again.
But most importantly the damage it has done to me and the kids. They are all grown up now and left home but my youngest especially has some serious issues, in fact has moved in with a carbon copy of her dad. Her and my middle child have had problems with relationships. Struggle to hold down jobs, found school hard. He worships our eldest and the other 2 resent him so much but also have anger towards me for allowing them to be treated badly by him and he did. He never told off the eldest but regularly shouted at the younger 2, grounding them for petty reasons. Then he would suddenly turn up with new toys for them so they thought he was fab again.
All I’m trying to say is that yes letting him back in may seem the easiest way to move forward but think long and hard.
He always hugs the eldest, tells her how much she means to him, makes plans with her but he hasn’t spoken to the youngest in (detail removed by Moderator) years, she moved out (detail removed by Moderator) and speaks to our middle one but I bet neither of them could tell you the last time they hugged or anything like that. My relationship is good with them all, we have had our hard times but they each know I am there day or night. They can’t say the same about him.

Sorry I have waffled on, had I not taken him back I wouldn’t have my youngest but I deeply regret that I let him back. Kids soon realise the truth.
I hope I have helped rather than make it more confusing.
Take care xx

[iliketea]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. The point is my kids, you’re right @catjam, and I know that. Even if the “system” isn’t that great. I’m picking up the pieces in terms of them now, and I imagine that will be a life long job as he will be part of their lives, despite any abuse to me, or them. Have to keep my focus on them now. Helping them heal, helping them with having a dad like him. Depressing but true. I don’t regret leaving, but I feel depressed at the system, at how blind the world seems to be to abuse, especially the effects on children. Thanks everyone, Im having an early night to try and recharge. Hope you’re all ok, and doing something for you tonight, self care, thats the next important thing we need to focus on too. Sending love and strength, and light and life, a good life, post abuse. It is possible. It will be possible. xx

[Walkingonsunshine]

Sat here in limbo feeling exactly the same. He’s STILL controlling me, changing when he has the kids so it suits him, and leaves me with less time with them. He’s making me think about quitting the job I’ve just started so I can spend more time with the kids, he’s even threatening to take them full time because I won’t be able to have a house as big as his. Demanding money off me (even though he should be paying me maintenance) challenging me if I’ve bought stuff for the kids/taken them out for a nice day. Belittling everything I do. It’s even worse than it was before.

I have also thought about what it would be like to stay, I’m not sure I can now I’ve seen the ‘real him’ I know he’d be more demanding getting me to ‘prove’ I love him by doing things I really don’t want to do. Either way I feel trapped.

I just know on my own it’s going to be a huge struggle financially, and I thought I’d be free if his chains but I don’t think I ever will be. Part of me has thought about just running away with nothing, staying with friends in another country for a fresh start but I couldn’t leave my kids with him.

The more I fight him the stronger he gets. I have nothing left 😔

[Catjam]

Stop fighting him, this is what they thrive on. Arrange a third party to deal with him. Have you heard of Caroline Strawson? She apparently runs a service where all messages go through her company. They remove all the negative stuff and just allow the stuff needed to work out childcare. She has a Facebook page.
You are honestly the better parent. You are considering walking away from them to spare them hurt. He wouldn’t do that, he is using them as a stick to beat you with. Stay with your children, they need you more than him. Kids don’t need big houses and flash stuff. They need love, boundaries and to know you are there for them no matter what.
I couldn’t rely on him to have the money I needed for them, even now it’s his money. He is still one for the big gestures but his needs come first. My kids knew they had a budget amount for Christmas and birthdays and they never complained.
It’s not easy and you need to be proud of what you have achieved. Stay strong xx

[iliketea]

@Catjam, not sure Caroline does that but she does talk about the OurFamily Wizard app which is brilliant for correspondence with narc ex! It even checks your emails for “tone” and makes it completely neutral (no idea how but it works!). Caroline Strawson is running an amazing Trauma Recovery group at the moment and has a good facebook page, and has a podcast which is really good. x

[Walkingonsunshine]

Thank you, I’ve emailed my solicitor for help making things more solid.
I know he’s using the kids to get to me. He doesn’t want them really, he said the other month (detail removed by moderator) But he knows I do and he’s punishing me.

Has anyone had any experience with this at the beginning and they eventually get bored and want the kids less?? I’m hoping when he finds himself a new ‘victim’ he’ll become a part time dad and leave us alone 🤞🏼🤞🏼 Until then I have to sit tight 🤐 it just breaks my heart knowing he has them more than me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

[iliketea]

Have you gone to court? Get a child arrangements order. Its the only way to get an eye on them so they stop messing around. x

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