What’s the point??

[searchingforhope]

He’s tormenting me, still asking are we done. I can’t say it. I don’t know why. I wish he wasn’t in my life, but there is no pain free way for that to happen.
So I’ve got to the stage of, what’s the point anymore. He hasn’t left me alone since he left. Is it just as easy to give in and let him back? I know in so many ways its not, but at least then I can see my kids every day, be there for them if they need me. He won’t put their needs first. (detail removed by Moderator) he even put having his dinner first (so as to not upset his mother) rather than taking our son home for his dinner after his after school activity. Like he doesn’t even think. He could have had them all day (detail removed by Moderator), but chose to work. SO I see his actions, I see he still puts money and work above what’s important, yet I can’t say we are over for good. I’m terrified of the battle that would follow for the kids. I know as their mother I’m their primary carer and should get them more. But I don’t want to miss out at all.

I also get that I need to look after me in order to look after them, but its got to the stage now that I think What is the point? he’s going to torment me and punish me whether together or apart. I know it’s terrible to say but I wish there was something physical as that seems more tangible. There has been one episode of definite sexual assault which I got brave enough to call him out on and of course all he does now in reference to that is dismiss it and gaslight me.
At least if I have kids all the time (even if it means he is here again) I’m there for them I can support them.

Do I just let him back and hope I can muster up strength again in time? I know what your answers will be. I know what I would tell anyone of you or any friend of mine. Why can I come on here and post encouragement for you all and yet not find encouragement or kindness for myself. I’ve so much work to do on myself to try rebuild myself. Could I just do that in the background if I left him back for now and in time get him out again? But then I may never get him out again I realise that too.

This is so hard, I’m so tired and I wish this was all behind me. But I’m the only one who can push through this and I feel stuck in solid mud right now, with no way of getting out.

I feel not able to fight or stand up for myself anymore. Anything my counsellor or social worker says to me to encourage me, I have his voice in my head constantly saying. But he said, but he said, but he said . . .
Why do I give what he says such weight? Why can’t I listen to my voice, my gut, my heart! I feel utterly broken and worn down.

[nbumblebee]

Hey Im eight here with you on most of this.
Im done too tired of fighting tired of struggling tired of hurting tired of trying to become a better person tired of complaining of moaning and not being brave enough to do anything about it.
Im tired of being me.
This is s**t is tough its hurtful its exhausting its rotten its our life.
Having said all thst sweetie what next for either if us what next for others reading our posts who have just started their journeys?
We have no other choice but to keep on putting on our big girl pants and keep on fighting (detail removed by Moderator). We cannot give up we just cant.
We can have days when we sit in the bath and cry all day long when we cant get up let alone put pants on but thats ok as long as afterwards we re group we re focus and we fight again.
You have come so so far you have left him do not allow him and his behaviour to pull you back.
I dont know what you can do to stop him can you block him? Get a restraining order? Can you talk to someone out there who can help? Womans aid even?
You said in your post you know only you can do this you gotta dig deep deep down inside and find that strength that hope that self belief it is there we all have it even me we have just gotta find it sweetie and only we can look for it ourselves.
Im rubbish at advice but my heart just broke when i read your post so I wanted to just say im here too and we got this. Much love n hugs xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate your reply. It means alot. I guess I’m in utter dispair. I know he’ll step up a battle for the kids, for his “entitlement” to half the time with the kids, rather than actually consider the kids stability and routine. So I’m thinking now do I just suck it up for now, let him back, into another room, not my bed, try stay tough as I can and find strength again later to do it all over again. At least that way I’ll be here for the kids everyday and be there for them when they need me. As so many times when they are with him, they text me asking me questions, as it’s me who has always been there for them.
But then I don’t want to jeopardise them either by hurting or confusing them or showing them that I can’t be strong enough to do what’s right for me. I would hate it if it was one of my children in this position later in their lives. There is no easy way out, no magic wand. It’s utter sh*t!
It probably sounds so ridiculously stupid considering where I am right now and getting here at all. I’m just trying to take it hour by hour at the moment and really consider is doing that a realistic option or a completely idiotic one.

[nbumblebee]

Nothing sounds stupid nothing we do what we can when we can to keep ourselves safe.
BUT we can step sideways we can stop take a break we can even change direction and we certainly step foward but sweetie we ahould never take a step backwards. We can look we can see how far we have come how brave we have been YOU have been butvwe never ever step back.

[Mellow]

I know how this feels I need to let go but I can’t I have been with him years and kids together I’m practically living desperate life now he still in the home he takes me when he needs me I feel hopeless and angry sometimes but I know it will be over soon I’m making plans to go I will then have the battle you have with children but he did this not me it’s the only thing keeping me going I’ve been loyal to him I know he no longer loves me even if he says it he’s using me but I’ll keep going and making my plans sometimes I will not give answers to his questions I’m still too ing and fro ing

[Bananaboat]

Been in exactly this spot too, but if you let him back you let back in the anxiety and fear, not just for you but the kids too. The fact they are texting you and telling you what’s happening at his shows they feel safe and secure with you. If he comes back you can’t be the best version of yourself and I know you don’t feel like you’ll ever be that version right now but you will. Right now the kids are a weapon in his arsenal but he’ll hopefully get bored (like choosing to work (detail removed by Moderator)). I know it’s a long way away but a lot of teenagers decide to stop seeing their dad once they recognise the feelings (like birthdays being forgotten, empty promises) I know mine did exactly this. Finally, if he returned you’d be teaching your kids his behaviour is to be accepted or tolerated, meaning they’d be more likely to mirror similar relationships when older (either as him or as you). I’m not trying to undermine the pain you’re in, I get it, I’ve felt it but his bombarding you is working and making you break. What do you do when the kids are with him – are you sitting worrying (I used to) or keeping busy and working on you? That might help. Returning wouldn’t be for you or the kids, it would solely benefit him.

That said if you do return, know that you left once you can leave again and no one can judge you, but he will throw it at you at every turn. Good luck with whichever route you take right now.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your replies. I really appreciate it. I totally get what you are saying and all those things have crossed my mind. Also the fact that I’ve managed to end it once I can do it again. When they have spent time with him, I’ve kept myself busy as I can, go for walks, call to family or friends. But its horrible to think if they are with him and want me. I worry if it is a bad example I’d be showing them. I would be letting him back for him more than anyone else.
I keep trying to reason with him, but there is no reasoning. He doesn’t seem rational, thinks I have everything my way. This is far from my way.
I’ll sleep on it again. Hopefully catch up with social worker tomorrow. I know what she will say though.
Its just utter c**p. Baby steps, just not sure what direction those steps will be in

x*x

[Anonymous2022]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You and your children don’t deserve this. Everyone has written such great words, I don’t have much to add, just keep reaching out for support and moving forward as best you can.

[searchingforhope]

I don’t know what to do. Came to work a bit lighter today. Work is mental which hasn’t helped. I’m feeling so anxious now as I’m thinking I’ll have to talk to him soon, I’ll have to tell him something. Is it completely stupid what I’m considering? Let him back into house if he would sleep in another room which would mean re-purposing a room into a bedroom. Not sure would he dismiss it straight away anyway, I don’t want my kids thrown around from one place to the next when they are meant to be with him if he has other “priorities”. They should either being with him or with me.
I’m so tired from all this. I just want it all to disappear. should I ever have bothered starting this?

[Bananaboat]

The words that really stood out in your post today are ‘feeling anxious to talk’ to your partner about something that affects you, your kids and him. That is the reality of staying together.

There’s a safety feeling in being in the same house as him, not just for the kids but you too. You’ve lived so long listening out for him, watching his mannerisms for clues about what mood he’s in today etc, that it can feel easier and in a weird way comfortable to have that again. It’s survival mode. I’m mid-move and am definitely struggling with this aspect.

Even if you were separating from a non-abusive partner you’d have a lot of similar worries and that’s natural as their mum and primary caregiver. Are they old enough to give a view on him returning to the house? I wonder if as a caring person part of your hurt is feeling like you need to have given and tried everything to fix him/your family? If so, that’s natural and often why many of us have returned, but take a minute to ask yourself what has he done to try fix himself/your family – actions not words.

Finally, what’s the pressure to decide today? Where’s that coming from and could you give yourself a bit longer? xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your post. It’s very helpful. I don’t have to reply today. But I guess it’s another day passed and with each day that passes without me getting back to him he gets more and more aggravated. I’ve told him I’m nearer a decision but not ready and will get back to him. I had to make contact about sorting kids activities this week too so always dreading that interaction, as sometimes he seems to pick fights. Or at least that’s how it feels. I’m afraid to ask my family to help out too, though they are more than willing to, as I’m afraid of what he will say.
You’re right I do feel, should I try again. But then I did so much for years to support him and keep all the balls in the air and apparently it was the wrong type of support which made him angry. So then I can’t get him out of my head. I find myself so often saying when someone tries to advise me, but he says, but he says but he says . . .Why do I give what he says such weight? It’s horrible.
my kids are too young to talk to them about it. They are awkward ages really. Old enough to be upset and a bit aware but not enough to understand. I’m an adult and if someone tried explaining this situation to me then I wouldn’t get it 100% either probably. Psychological abuse is so d**n tricky. I feel it’s only you guys here really get it. How could anyone who hasn’t experienced it really understand it at all.

You made a relevant point in that a separation without any element of abuse would be hard enough I guess without all the hidden layers and factors that go along when abuse plays a role.

Thanks for the support everyone. I need it right now x*x

[Bananaboat]

It’s surprising what kids pick up, my eldest was displaying signs at 4/5 after my first rubbish relationship ended and her school provided support, so there may be an age appropriate help out there for them.

I’ve said it a few times recently but these relationships are addictive, crazy right but our bodies get addicted to the chemical reactions and that hooks us in, throw in trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and FOG and you get exactly what you’ve described- a position where we worry about their thoughts/feelings/worries over and above us and our kids. Which is exactly what he wants.

Your worry and pain is so clear in your post, the fact he’s pressuring you and not giving you space or understanding isn’t helping. Just for a minute, take him out of the equation – if you could wave a magic wand and this was easy what would you want as the outcome? What does your gut say?

If you’re worried you can’t do this, lovely you can. I love this quote and use it all the time but if you’re strong enough to survive in these relationships you’re strong enough to thrive outside of it. xx

[searchingforhope]

That magic wand is something my counsellor asked me about some time back also. The magic easy fix would to have him not in my life.
My gut was clearer before, but I think the magic wand question answers that too in reality. But there is no easy way and there are a million thoughts racing through my head all of the time. It’s so difficult to decipher whats the right thing to do. I still struggle so much with putting myself as a priority. All my life I’ve put myself down the list.
There have been a few occasions where he was away from a few nights over the years when he required treatment for a health condition in hospital. There was such an ease when he wasn’t here. No negativity, no eggshells, no moods. But then that was easier, that came with none of these separation issues or negotiations re kids visits or access.
Hopefully things will become clearer for me soon. I really hope they do.

Thank you x*x I like that quote too x*x

[Anonymous]

Please don’t consider letting him in the spare room , they think they can get back into your bed , I know it’s really hard , but ride the storm out , don’t back down now , it will pass and there will be light at the end of the tunnel , you gtta try and gather all your strength and be as firm as you can . Everyone on here backing you , you really got this xx

[searchingforhope]

There was a time I could see light at the end of the tunnel and see hope. I’m not seeing that as easy now. It’s all so hard right now, that’s probably why its so difficult to see light to have hope. I am always someone who would have hope that things will turn around. I guess this is all tiring me out so much it’s so hard to see.
Then there are times that I wonder is it actually me, have I exaggerated something that isnt there. I don’t think I have. But I just don’t know anymore what is healthy or normal. It’s very debilitating how much he has gotten inside my head.

Thanks for your time to reply and your encouragement. I appreciate you all so much

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