What's the worst that could happen?

[BeautyMarked]

So I’m struggling a lot, and I have been spending a lot of time composing a letter to him. I know it’s probably a waste of time and I’m trying to keep to the NC that everyone is advising. I guess I’m still in denial and hoping it’s just been a giant misunderstanding. I don’t know if I’ll send the letter but I’m really quite tempted just so that the truth is out there. It’s really long. I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask but if anyone would be willing to read it I’d kind of be grateful as I don’t trust myself anymore. I won’t post it here as I expect a lot of the detail would have to be removed. I don’t know what I’m doing or what to expect, but I kind of think what’s the worst that could happen? The best is that he’ll actually understand things from my perspective and understand why I seemed to be acting out and being so needy.

[AlwaysSorry]

To answer on your title, the worst that can happen is you regret it and it will be used against you. The fact that it’s really long seems to allude to it being about more than just clearing up the pregnancy/miscarriage. Are you sure you would want this person who has hurt you so deeply to be given even more information with which he can bully you? I know you wish you could clear up it as if it was a misunderstanding, but it isn’t sweetheart. It’s abuse, and the fact you still place blame on your behaviour is not a good sign either but it is very understandable because that’s how he wants you to think, he wants you to think that you were acting out and being needy when the reality is you were responding to being abused.
If it was just a short letter to say you miscarried, verified by GP as suggested to you before, I think you would be okay to send it. But if it is trying to plead with him or in any way placing blame on yourself, I really wouldn’t send it. It will be used against you, why wouldn’t it? Look at the behaviour up until now – a letter won’t fix anything or change anything. Leave it for now at least I would suggest. It’s still much too fresh and there will come a time where you will feel differently about how much you will want this person to know. I know it’s not what you want to hear sweetheart, but you are giving him much more credit than he has earned. Remember, throughout all of this he had the choice all along to talk directly and respectfully with you. He has chosen to block you. Giving him a long letter will just give him more satisfaction as it will verify you are still hurting from him, I’m afraid.
I’m not going to offer to read the letter out of kindness to you, I truly think you should hold on to it for some time until you start to feel like you aren’t drowning in these feelings all the time. What I do think though is that this could be the start of something I found very helpful and that’s keep writing it out, even in letter-format as if you were to send it to him but never do. See if you can get some anger out too when it starts appearing, I’ve called my ex many nasty names in letters that he will never see. It’s something I’ve been taught is a therapy technique to write letters you never give and for me they serve as a reminder of how f***** up I am/have been/still is? in my head from his abuse. But I would never want him to know how much power he still had/has over my thoughts.

I hope that makes sense and I’m sorry if I sound a little harsh, I just don’t want you to do something with hopes of a happy ending that is really unlikely to happen and then even worse, possibly have it used against you. So please, hold onto it for a while, there’s no deadline for you to tell him about the miscarriage, you can tell him in a month, in a year, it doesn’t have to be right this second x

[BeautyMarked]

Thank you. It’s not harsh. It makes absolute sense. I wish I didn’t blame myself. I don’t know how he would use it against me exactly as it’s just the truth and clears up all the things that I worry about e.g why I looked so crazy. In fact writing it made me realise one or two things that I hadn’t connected before which does make me mad. If I’m honest I am still hoping for a happy ending as well as the truth. But you’re right and everything you say makes sense. I can’t understand this man and how his mind works. How he can be so cruel when he’s been through a similar heartbreak that ruined his life with his fantasy girl. I can’t understand how he can be so callous when he always presents himself as so compassionate and reasonable to friends and his online community. This is a popular guy who seems to have so much credibility. There must be something in him. The more I look into all this the more I see that it the introduction of his friend that drove the wedge between us. Whether she was doing his bidding or her own I don’t know. I kind of think it was her. She always presented him as so naive and incapable of being mistrustful. It was her the sowed the seeds of doubt in his mind. She always used to say she didn’t trust me. She was working against me. Maybe he is naive and innocent and just forgot how to be loving after his heartbreak. What a messed up situation I’m in. But thank you so much for your reply and keeping me strong x

[Flowerchild]

The worst that could happen is that he hoovers you in for another ride on the abuse rollercoaster.

Instead of going round and round in your head about who he really is and why he treated you the way he did, why not read up on what the experts say?

You’ve encountered one abuser. Lundy Bancroft worked with hundreds. His book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ is readily available. When I first read it, lights went on inside my head and I felt so much stronger when I’d finished.

Have you got hold of any of the recommended reading people have named in response to your enquiries?

Bancroft is a very good place to start.

Flower x

[BeautyMarked]

Hi Flower yes I’ve been reading so much. I’ve taken up all the recommendations and even read up about NPD. A lot resonates and yet I definitely don’t think he’d hoover me in for another go because he’s mad with me and my behaviour. The problem is I can understand how it looks from his side and then just blame myself because he was not in full possession of the facts. I know he should have treated me like he did or introduced the third person. I think about it all so much and I do see abuse and yet I’m just not able to accept it’s who he is. I know I must be trauma bonded or plain mad. I read and sometimes it helps and it’s explains everything and other times I’m still full of doubt. I’ve completely lost myself in all of this and it’s not helped by the fact that my complaint might not be taken up even though I think it’s really serious and that he’s a risk as he’s in a position of responsibility. I mean if that’s not taken seriously, I must be exaggerating or at fault in the eyes of others. I worry about it so much and think it’ll just drive me to beg for his forgiveness and to take me back.

[diymum@1]

i think theres a good chance he will hoover you back in – my guess is he would love bomb you for a while and then his abuse would get worse – you would be further traumatised and trauma bonded. try to keep going if you can your doing great your going to have doubts and want to go back – its better to fight this urge though – its in your best interests. i eventually put the fear factor in myself in the back of my mind i knew he could potentially kill me – he did have me by the throat a few times in the end x*x not a nice thought but it has to be considered because it has happened to many women xxxx love diymum

[Twisted Sister]

Dear BeautyMarked

That sounds like absolute torture for you love.

One thing that is so predictable and expected with abusers is that they will never hear your truth. They will often ‘use’ your truth as a way to reel you back in, but they will not hear your truth.

It is a fundamental part of an abusers beliefs that will refuse to allow any kind of taint on their ‘impeccable reputation’ – how funny! Pah!

I can see that you are trying to appeal to something in him that doesnt exist. Hold your letter for you. Not all letters hold their power in those who read them, but those who write them and never need to be sent. This sounds like your letter, its for you. Its for you to look to yourself now,and turn away from him and his harms.

Have you reported him for the risk he poses in his position? Please do raise this with authorities for the protection of those,presumably, within his care.

Keep posting here, and talking through your thoughts in a safe place to keep you from looking to him. He will always deny your truth and blame you, which is very damaging to you.

Warmest wishes

TS

[BeautyMarked]

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that diymum. I have read a lot about hoovering and have been warned that behaviour tends to escalate but frankly I think he’s glad I’m out of his life right now. He blocked me after all because he couldn’t deal with my drama. He hasn’t tried to contact and knows he’d be in trouble if he did. I really don’t think I’ll ever hear from him which hurts me. I think he’s just relieved. He just wanted me to have the abortion. Granted he doesn’t really know whether I did, whether I lied or whether I’m still pregnant, but I think he’s truly done and I’m just going to end up making a spectacle of myself. I’m that desperate though. I’m hanging onto the NC but it’s by a thread.

[diymum@1]

your getting there though – your strong and very intelligent – try to throw yourself into your syudies if you can. you can do this/youve got this xxxx love diymum

[diymum@1]

also remember your thinking through the fog of trauma. let that fog lift do nothing for now. if in doubt do nothing let time pass xxxx

[diymum@1]

your most basic need is to be safe

[HopeLifeJoy]

I think it would be healthy for you to step out of the drama your ex created. Take an enormous step back. It will take your head out of the fog and calm your mind.

Instead of focusing on him, redirect it to yourself and educate yourself on the dynamics of abuse, read up about abusive power and control, the cycle of abuse, trauma bond, triangulation. Normally it will make sense and give you an haha moment. Also read other posts, you’ll see that the dynamics are similar for everyone, the tactics used by the abusers are just that, tactics to keep their power and control over us.
There are good books too on the subject Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
Knowledge is Power. Educate yourself and take your power back!!

Ask for professional help to grieve for your loss, your miscarriage I mean.

Take good care of yourself and happy reading.

[Author]

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